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Better Off Dad

I am a stay at home dad. That’s pretty much all I am. I used to be other things before I started staying home with my kids. But now I’m just a stay at home dad, or SAHD for short. I know that’s what I am because that’s how people introduce me. “This is Marcus, he stays home with the kids (can you believe it?)” Or if they’re over the age of 55, I usually get the “He’s a Mr. Mom.” It’s said in a positive way, sort of like the way people say “between jobs” when they mean “fired for being an incompetent loser.”

July 2008 - Posts

  • All That's Old is Old Again

     I was in the grocery check out line yesterday and I saw something I hadn’t seen in years.  Next to stories about Britney’s weight issues, and some old dying celebrity (maybe Liz Taylor, or is she dead already?  Hard to keep track) and just above an article about Hillary Clinton’s secret love child with one of the backstreet boys (I think the one with the mustache) was an Archie comic.

    That’s right, a comic featuring that scrawny red-headed kid with the pound sign on the side of his head.  I stared in disbelief.  They still make this?

    I picked it up.  Archie had been updated for our generation - somewhat.  He was on the beach and had clearly been working out.  He had pecs and if not a full 6 pack, at least a pack of those weird mini cans their selling nowadays.  He was standing in the middle of three angry girls (Betty, Veronica and some other chick) looking between them desperately.  Jughead was incongruously juggling apples in the background and says “I can juggle three apples.”  Archie replies, “Try juggling three girls.”

    Oh, that Archie!

    Who reads this crap?  No, I’m serious; does ANYONE actually purchase and read this? I left the store trying desperately to figure out who in the world would buy a copy of Archie.  The stories are about things like accidentally setting up two dates for the same night and not having enough whip cream on your milkshake at the soda fountain.  I’m not sure anyone under the age of 8 would get it and I don’t think anyone over the age of 8 would care.  In a world of gossip girl it seems that Archie is just a little too quaint.  And I know that’s kind of sad, but no one reads Little Lulu any more either.  Well, heck, what do I know maybe there’s a big Little Lulu display at the drugstore.

    The last time I saw an Archie comic was at my grandfather’s house.  It was on a book shelf and had belonged to my uncle, I suppose.  I was eight at the time and read it because I was bored, but I remember at the time thinking that it was pretty lame and outdated.  And that was almost 30 years ago.  (I think that was the same summer I came across another of my Uncle’s books lying underneath a mattress titled “What the Teacher Taught” and let me tell you, it wasn’t algebra.)

    My only thought is that maybe old people are all nostalgic for Archie and like to relive the days when stories like this were hysterical:

    “Pool Player – Archie’s job as a pool cleaner gets him all wet!”  (that’s real, I swear)

    I don’t know.  I don’t even think old people would find that funny.  I just can’t see them throwing that on top of their cart of Metamucil and All-Bran.  Besides the font is too small.

    In my effort to get to the bottom of this phenomenon, I did check out the Archie website

    www.archiecomics.com

    Which includes things like Archie’s blog, a section where you can buy a Veronica throw pillow and some really strange fan art.  It’s all very odd and all very wholesome in a the-whole-premise-is-that-Archie-is-a-two-timing-horndog kind of way.

    I don’t know.  I’m sure it appeals to someone, maybe people with pound signs on the side of their head.

  • News of the Future: Schools Ban High Rise Pants

     Editors note:  This is the fourth in a series of articles we have obtained from the future.  The articles were found in a sort of reverse time capsule and have been verified to be 100% accurate…. To the best of our knowledge.


    Washington Post October 2038

    Schools Ban High Rise Pants

    Schools from California to Maine have been enacting policies to restrict the height of many students’ pants.  In what is seen as a reaction to the low rise jeans of their parents, students across the country have been clearing the shelves of the new “high rise jeans.”
     
    These pants, sold at stores ranging from the conservative Abercrombie and Fitch to the cutting edge TeenHOR! Have been flying off the shelves in droves according to most area retailers.  And they’re not just being worn at parties.  Sporting names like “the girdle” and “the Cramden,” these overly concealing jeans are finding their ways into High Schools across our region and are causing quite a stir. 
     
    “Look, I know clothes are supposed to be a little rebellious,” explains McLean, High School Principal Britany Summers sporting a conservative low rise pant suit with cropped blouse revealing her belly button ring of a cross, “but these kids have pushed the envelope too far.  It seems like girls these days are leaving everything to the imagination.  And if the students are not able to see what they want through their clothing, they’re going to find another way.

    This concern for an excess of decency was apparent in many of the students in McLean High.  Mabel Davidson, 17, was wearing a pair of jeans that came up well above her stomach, draping her hips and bottom in yards of fabric.  “I just think their dap you know?  It’s justa the old old school coming full circle into the post modern school y’know?  I think it’s totally cal.”

    Many of Mabel’s classmates must agree.  It was not difficult to spot boys staring advidly at Mabel’s backside as if trying to discover just exactly was underneath that billowing seamline.

    “It’s disgusting,” continued Principal Summers.  “When I was her age, all it took was one quick glance.  Now guys spend minutes just trying to identify which part is which.  We’re losing valuable education time and I’m not going to be the first principal in 20 years to leave a student behind, just because of a hidden behind.”

    Summers is still mulling over whether to enact an actual restriction on the pants or merely to let the fad run its course.  “I know that in Arlington, they have been sending kids home if they weren’t showing at least an inch of skin,” says Summers.  “We may have to consider that.  She sighed audibly at a handsome football player sporting pants up to the sternum and a pair of argyle suspenders, before hurrying off to literally dress down a girl whose sweatshirt was deemed simply too baggy.
     

     

  • Going Old School

     My kids don’t watch much TV at home, but this is mainly because they get more than their fair share in the minivan.  We have one of those DVD players in the van and since my oldest learned how to use the remote control, it’s pretty much on before we hit the end of the driveway.   This wouldn’t be that big of a deal except for the fact that we spend a LOT of time in the car. 

    Last week I took the van to the repair shop (is that what you call it?  I just spent 5 minutes sitting here trying to think of what you call that place that the car goes to get fixed:  the service center?  The garage?  The repair dock?  The car fixy thingy place?  I have no idea.  They all seem wrong.  I must be going senile.  Or maybe it’s because I was up with my son three times last night.  Hmmmmm that could be it.) 

    ANYWAY…  I took the van in because it seemed to be riding rough, as if the tires were not aligned correctly, or perhaps magical elves had taken up residence on the struts.  I really have no idea.  Well the guy peeks really quickly and tells me that the tires are wearing unevenly and need to be replaced.  At this point I get defensive and try to prepare myself to be that guy who always gets his way, instead of that guy who gives in all the time and pays whatever they tell him to. 

    “But we just replaced the tires 9 months ago,” I said knowingly in a ‘don’t try to rip me off buddy’, way.  The guy looks at his computer and says, “Yes, but you’ve put 50,000 miles on the car since then.”

    Holy Crap!

    So my point is the kids watch a good bit of TV in the car.  Now my further point, before I went all tangential on you, is that my kids have taken a liking to some of the old cartoons and movies that I grew up with as a kid.  This is mainly because that is what I have been purchasing for them to watch in the van.  Funny how that is.

    Well, my son, Asher’s, favorite cartoons now are Animaniacs and Tom and Jerry.  In some ways I am very proud.  He is clearly going to be a very funny kid.  However, the immediate repercussions have been a bit more peculiar.  There has been a fair amount of him running around hitting his sister on the head with oversized plastic hammers (why did we ever buy those?) and I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to run off the edge of a cliff, with the assumption that he could keep running.

    I also overheard the following:  Asher was at the playground with Audra and he says to her, in a perfect send up of Henny Youngman:

    “That’s no lady.  That’s my wife!” 

    They then both immediately crack up.  I really don’t know what to say.

    Audra on the other hand has become completely enamored with the musical Annie.  She’ll run around the house telling us (rather preachily) that “we’re not fully dressed, without a smile.”  

    I’m here to tell you.  That’s not really something you want to hear from your 5 year old at 7:00 a.m.  She also has taken to singing the songs from the musical.  Yesterday she ran around singing “It’s a hard knocked up life.”

    Asher, my goofier child (if that’s possible) has , much to my surprise, also really enjoyed Annie.  He has, at age 2, managed to fulfill his destiny as a Zumwalt male and started to sing the songs but with rewritten lyrics.  This is a proud tradition that goes back at least as far as my grandfather, was used to a point of overkill by my father and shows up pretty darn frequently in my own humming around the house.  Well Asher has taken to singing:

    “Tomorrow!  Tomorrow!  I’ll give your bottom a spanking!”  (and then of course cracking up)

    I wish to heaven I could act appalled and tell you I have no idea where it came from, but it is truly genetic.

    Audra has also been pulling out a few choice phrases from Annie recently.  A couple of days ago we were at the playground and I was talking to a couple of adults while the kids played.  I looked over and Audra was standing on top of something that she shouldn’t have been.  I told her to get down and she looked over at me, swatted the air with her hand and said,

    “Oh blow it out your old wazoo!”

    That got a talking to.

    So, I suppose the point of all this is that the immoral minority can sit around all they want and whine about the deterioration of society and how Spongebob and the Simpsons and whoever else are corrupting our youth with their smart alecky dialogue and impertinent behavior, but the truth is that it all started a long time ago with what we were watching as kids.  And if you watch some of those Bugs Bunny cartoons carefully – it apparently started with our parents.  And that’s why we all turned out the way we are today.  And if you don’t believe me, well:

    Blow it out your old wazoo!

  • Life Goes on....

     When I go on vacation, I try to really be away.  I try to leave all of those things that distract me on a daily basis back at home, preferably kicked underneath the couch next to an old sock.  I try to avoid email, and especially emails with titles like “Emergency Vacation Bible School Meeting!” things like that can get a headache started before I even read it.

    Yes, the point of a vacation is to get away and to relax and if you take all of your daily life stuff with you, then chances are you’re not going to have a vacation, you’re just going to have the same week you would have had, but at the grand canyon. 

    There is, of course, a downside to this disconnectedness.  I have a pair of friends who are likely to become engaged this summer and I knew that there was a very good chance it would happen while we were away.  I thought about it off an on, wondering if all of my friends were calling one another, toasting champagne and showing off diamond rings.  (Or maybe diamonelle rings – they work in the public schools).

    In fact, that didn’t happen (still waiting), but I did come home to some other surprises.  No less than two of my friends who had both been struggling with fertility issues discovered that they were pregnant. One, who had gone through a round of semi-aggressive fertility treatment is now pregnant with twins.  And the other, a dear friend of mine who works at a school in Africa, went to a fertility specialist in the states to start a round of treatments only to discover that she was 27 weeks pregnant (You see,  you hear about it all the time, and it really does happen). 

    Both of these friends found out about their pregnancies about 2 days after I had left for vacation.  And in the midst of the excitement of finding out about their news, I had a twinge of regret that I hadn’t been here to share in the excitement right when it happened. 

    I also returned to a phone message from someone I didn’t know.  It was one of those ominous phone calls.

    “Hello, this is Debby Selvage, Pat’s sister.  If you could give me a call, I would appreciate it.”

    The tone of the message was even - giving away nothing and everything at the same time.

    Pat Selvage was a dear friend of mine who I first met when I worked as a driver for her in college.  Pat was diagnosed with a sever case of juvenile arthritis when she was young and had spent most of her life in a wheelchair, her body rigid, unable to move without assistance from someone else.  She had limited use of her hands and feet and that was about it.  But Pat led an amazing life, despite these limitations.  She went away to college, became a social worker, bought a house, lived on her own, got a job working at a crisis hotline at the hospital, and volunteered at several organizations. 

    Throughout all of this, she was unable to get out of bed, get dressed, get into a car, get to work, prepare meals, or travel any significant distance without the assistance of someone else.  Pat had built up a small army of people who assisted her in the daily challenges of life.  I came into her circle as a driver.  I would come to her house early in the morning before classes started, and with the aid of a half dozen afghans, pillows and blankets that all had to be arranged in the most exacting of orders, squeeze her into my 2 door ‘86 Celica and drive her to work, help her into her wheelchair and send her off on her day. 

    It was a small thing.  An easy way to earn a little money that required little more of me than a strong back and a willingness to get up a couple of hours early.  It was just a job, but it somehow became more.  In those 15 minutes drives to and from work, we talked, laughed, listened to music and told each other stories about our lives.  Pat especially liked listening to some of the Broadway musical soundtracks I had (I know, I’m a major dork.  I think we’ve established that). 

    She would talk about how much she loved the theater, but how hard it was to ever go.  Pat required 5-10 different people a week coming for an hour or two here and there just to get her through her days.  And this group of people was ever changing as they moved, or graduated, or proved unreliable or incompetent.  It was an additional full time job for her just to schedule this never-ending logistical time table of part time employees.  And anything that threw this delicate schedule out of balance, such as a night at the theater, had rippling repercussions.  

    But then we made a discovery.  Pat lived about 45 minutes from New York City and I decided that, despite the cost and hassle, we should go into the big apple to see something on Broadway together.  I started calling around and discovered that in addition to theaters reserving seats for patrons in wheelchairs, they also greatly reduced the price of the tickets for that individual and their guest.  This meant that Pat and her poor college student friend could get last minute tickets to a sold out show for as low as $20 a piece.  It was as if a veil had been lifted and we suddenly saw the possibilities.

    Before I graduated the next year, we probably saw 6 different shows.  It was an amazing opportunity, both of us able to go do something that we never would have been able to accomplish without the other. 

    It was never easy.  Negotiating a fragile person in a wheelchair through parking garages, busy Manhattan streets and then finally hordes of Iowa tourists, was a harrowing task for both of us, but the rewards were immense and out of it a beautiful and unexpected friendship developed. 

    After I graduated, I moved 1,000 miles away to Mississippi and my daily visits with Pat stopped, but our friendship didn’t.  We communicated through occasional letters and phone calls, but neither of us was very good at that.  But once a year, I made an effort to get back up to New Jersey so Pat and I could go into New York to see a play.  It got to the point where whenever I called Pat knew immediately to reach for her calendar.

    For a dozen years we were theater buddies and friends.  I called her when each of my three children was born and she reveled in their pictures and stories.  I listened, sometimes pained, as her health worsened, she had to give up working, and she told innumerable stories of employees who would call in sick or just not show up, never seeming to understand that this didn’t just mean that McDonalds would be short a fry cook, but that a woman would be trapped in her bed, calling desperately on the phone for someone to come rescue her.

    We were supposed to go see Mary Poppins last December.  By this point, Pat required a third person to go with us to assist her.  We tried to coordinate schedules, but somewhere along the lines, the whole event fell apart and I got tied up with all of the preparations that go along with Christmas in a family of five.

    I felt bad, but it wasn’t necessarily my fault and I knew that once Summer arrived and life slowed down, we could all try again.  Mary Poppins would still be there. 

    Although she didn’t tell many people, Pat’s health had been weakening, and while my family was away on vacation she became disoriented, backed her wheelchair off of her ramp at home and suffered a head trauma that she wasn’t able to survive.  She passed away before she ever reached the hospital. 

    It’s a sad, undignified ending to a woman who fought her whole life for the dignity and normalcy that most of us take for granted.  I never got a chance to take her to the theater one more time, and although everyone tells me that it is illogical, it haunts me. 

    I’m going to miss those annual trips into New York.  I’m going to miss the conversations on the way in and the theatrical criticism and analysis on the way out.  I’m going to miss those half dozen ugly checkered blankets and cushions that allowed Pat to travel around, arranged differently into every vehicle like a game of Tetris until it fit her perfectly.  I’m going to miss the inspiration I always felt from being around a woman who sometimes got frustrated with the little problems in life, because she was so busy not being affected by the massive, room filling problems.  She was a gem.

    So I returned from my two week vacation to life and death on a grand scale.  The whole continuum of existence played out in a couple of innocent phone calls.  It is easy for me to sink into my own self centeredness and accept the myth that the world can hardly turn on its axis without my presence.  Yet miracles and devastations still manage to occur whether I’m here to witness them or not. 

    Our control over the lives of others is miniscule and sometimes the control over our own lives isn’t much better.  You just have to do the best you can, despite the odds, to do what you know is right and to live the best life possible, one that hopefully changes yourself and touches others.

    Pat taught me that.


    Obituary: http://www.dailyrecord.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2008807130343

     

  • 5 Things I Learned About the Americans - by Friedrich!

     Dear Readers,

    Hallo.  I am Friedrich and I am a Swiss.   Recently there was an article published about the Swiss which said terrible untrue things such as that we do not have a good sense of the humor.  This is not true!  I will tell a joke now to prove this.

    What do you get when you have the mix of a chicken and a horse?

    The answer to the joke?  Nothing!  Because a chicken and a horse are genetically incompatible.

    You see, we have a good humor.

    In response to all of these untruths that have been written, I am writing about 5 things that I have learned about Americans.


    1.  You are all fat.

    Holy Heidi, you Americans are quite round.  In Der Switzer, we do not have this fatness.  We like to rollerblade uphill and eat lunches of 2 crackers, a slice of cheese and a piece of chocolate.  Then we smoke many cigarettes.  This keeps the fatness from getting on us.  How do you expect to keep the fatness away without smoking cigarettes?

    But you Americans!  You don’t even walk.  You ride in cars to go everywhere, even if it is just a quick 10 mile walk to the grocery store and your police use the segway because of their laziness.  Then for lunch you will go to the Ruby Tuesday and order a breast of chicken deep fried in fat served with potatoes deep fried in fat and followed by a dessert of the cheesecake deep fried in fat.  It is craziness.

    I traveled to Memphis to see where the King of the Rock and Roll lived and everybody there looked like they had been inflated.  No wonder you Americans must all drive your big SVU cars.  If you rode in European cars you would break them,


     

     

    2.  Your trains are quite horrendously

    I travel to Memphis to see the blue suede shoe man and I take the Amtrak train.  This train is terrible.  To go from Washington DC to Memphis, I have to go to Chicago, get off the train, wander around for 12 hours, get back on the train and still pay $300.  This is crazy.  That would be like going from Bellinzona to Lugano by going through Feldkirch!  You see the craziness! 

    And your trains do not run on time!   My train was late always.  And it crashed several times.  Why is this?  Why do you have terrible trains that make no sense? Cost great money and crash?  In Der Switzer our trains run on time and go where they should go, not crazy places like Chicago.

     

     

     

    3.  You put Mayonnaise in a jar

    This is very strange.  You have mayonnaise in a big jar.  And you must use a knife to pick up the mayonnaise.  This makes no sense.  In Der Switzer we keep Mayonnaise in a, how do you say?  A toothpaste tube.  Then when we want some we just squeeze it out on the bread and replace the top.  Sure there is the occasional mistake with a toothbrush, but we all have learned.

    You also do crazy things like keep eggs in the refrigerator.  No wonder you must be having the large refrigerator if you are going to keep the eggs in them.  We keep the eggs in the cabinets like you are supposed to so that we can have refrigerators the size of a large lunchbox.


    4.  You like to invade random countries

    Oh you crazy Americans.  Always you are invading someone.  Balkans, Vietnam, bay of pork and now this Iraq.  Why do you love to invade people so much?  We do not invade anyone.  We mind our business and count our money.  Although it is good for us that you invade since people who are getting invaded always want to put their money in our banks.  But if you ever tried to invade us, we would be so mad.  We would rain down fondue pots on your head in a torrent of anger.  Our cows would rise up against you, their merrily tinkling bells a sign of terror that would strike you deep in your heart.  Our young maids would use their braids to lash you over and over again.  Yes you would feel our fiery passion.


    5.  You have restaurants that are all same. 

     Why do you do this?  Why do you have so many restaurants that are always the same?  Everywhere I go I see the Applebees and the Rubys Tuesday and the Starbucks, always the Starbucks!   Why is this?  Why do you love to always be going to the same restaurant and eating the same food?

    In Der Switzer we have no same restaurant.  Every restaurant is different.  In the town I live in we have 3 restaurants.  The Steinhouse is quiet and sells a good wiener schnitzel and fondue.  The Rheinhouse is a lovely place that is very quiet and has an excellent fondue and also sells the wiener schnitzel.  And of course there is my favorite at the Hotel Alpin, which is a nice quiet restaurant that has a lovely battered piece of pork also known as a wiener schnitzel and a very nice heated cheese dip served in a chafing dish.  So you see how nice having the different is?


    Yes, you Americans do some things right.  If you did not exist, we would never be able to watch the King of the Queens on the television or those Desperate House womens, and for this we are thankful.  But in many ways you are failing to be great like the Swiss.  I believe that you should lose weight, eat more chocolate, find a mountain to bicycle to the top of and stop eating at the Burger’s King.  Then you will be fit and good like us Swiss

    Auf Wiedersehen!

  • 5 Things I Learned About the Swiss: Continued

     

    This is a continuation of the things I learned about the Swiss while visiting their stunningly beautiful country.  Yesterday I discussed that the Swiss are very very healthy and in great shape, except for that lung cancer thing and that they don’t like kids… or at least my kids.  Don’t seem to care a whole bunch for their own kids either.  Anyway, today we’ll discover some other aspects of the Swiss personality in this fair and balanced examination of their personality and culture as viewed through the eyes of a condescending American.  It’s what we do.

    3. They’re Self Centered

    My wife and I debated a long time about whether the Swiss are selfish or self centered.  We decided that there wasn’t a whole lot of difference between the two, but that self centered was a little less mean and since we had been guests in their country, perhaps we should give them the benefit of the doubt. 

    Back in the day, I had a lot of respect for the Swiss.  I thought that the whole neutrality thing was pretty cool. 

    “Hey we’re a bunch of peaceniks, we don’t want to get involved.  We’ll just stand on the side and sell you bullets while you kill each other and, oh, if you want us to put a whole bunch of stolen Jewish art and money in a vault and not tell anyone we can totally do that.”

    Ok, ok, so they weren’t perfect, but I thought the neutrality thing was nice.  Sort of like that kid in middle school who refuses to get involved in the big food fight.  (Yeah, I was totally that kid.)  You see I had always assumed that it was because the Swiss were a peace loving people and just didn’t like war.  As it turns out, it’s just because they don’t really care what happens to other people. 

    They are the wealthiest country in the world and I think maintaining that is more or less their prime objective.  Hitler can take over the whole world, but as long as he deposits his cash in a UBS prime checking account, then whatever.

    So, that’s probably a little harsh (if not historically accurate), but it’s the conclusion I reached after being there for a while.  People just don’t seem all that concerned about other people aside from how it affects them.  This was obvious in their aggressive but efficient driving, how people would push by you but never say excuse me, how waiters would do the bare minimum to communicate and in the Swiss’ general indifference to being friendly to strangers.  I started actively trying to catch people’s eye to say hello and most of the time they would stare at me blankly or go out of their way to not make eye contact.

    Now, I know the US is not perfect.  We can be rude, terrible drivers, invade random countries, and we are known for being terrible international travelers (not my family of course, but you know, those tour buses from Akron).  We also have a bit of a healthy ego ourselves.  But that being said, by golly I like to think that we are a pretty friendly people.  Sure, some of us are rude and we might shoot you on the highway in LA, or in a school in Baltimore, or in a field with Dick Cheney, but in general we’re a pretty nice people.  Even New Yorkers will stop to give you directions if you ask.  They might not smile when they do it, but they’ll probably help out.  The US customs guy was nicer than just about any of the Swiss we interacted with.  Heck the Swiss customs guy didn’t even speak to us.

    I think, through minutes of scientific study and reflection, that the reason behind this is that the Swiss don’t really care about you.  They live in a crazy beautiful country, they have lots of money and honestly, they don’t need to be nice.  They’re too busy thinking about themselves.

     

    4.  They think they’re happy, but they’re not.

    A few months ago, I read a book called “The Geography of Happiness” by Eric Weiner.  It was a pretty interesting book, although long on observations and short on conclusions.  Anyway, the premise was that this guy was going to visit all of the happiest places in the world and see what made them happy.  And what do you know, Switzerland was at the top of the list.  The author said he met with the people and they all said they were very happy because Switzerland was efficient and clean and the trains ran on time (seriously).

    Here’s the rub.  These people aren’t happy.  Maybe in a stepford way they are, but not in a smiling, wrinkles around your eyes, laugh so hard you have to cry kind of way.  I saw virtually no signs of happiness, or any emotion for that matter.  The Swiss make the Germans seem warm. 

    I think the Swiss are content.  They have what they need.  Their government and services are run effectively and life is pleasant.   This is not happiness though.  This is lack of major annoyances.  There’s a difference.  

    Now the Italians, those are a happy people.  They’re also at times a sad and an angry people, but boy can they be happy.  If you heard a bunch of laughing and shouting and kids running willy nilly without any supervision you knew the jolly Italians were coming down the street.  You can see it on their faces.  They are enjoying life.

    And here’s how I know.  If the Italians all got poor, they would be angry and frustrated and resentful, but I guarantee there would be moments where they were still happy and laughing and having fun.  If the Swiss were poor… man!  If the highways had trash on them and the government was a mess and the trains started running an hour late.  They would all be suicidal.  If those things happened to the Americans?  Well we’d be pretty much like we are now wouldn’t we?  A little annoyed, a little frustrated, a little angry, but, with the help of a little Xanax, more or less happy.


    5.  The Swiss have a giant Stick up their a**

    Ok, that’s not very nice, but boy is it accurate.  I know it’s accurate, because my wife said it, not me. 

    They do.  They really, really have a giant stick.  This is most obvious in the information centers.  Every town has an information office that gives out pamphlets and helps you figure out what to do.  Now, we probably visited a dozen or so and let me tell you the last thing these people want to do is be helpful and give you information.  They are happy to answer a specific question.  “Yes, the train leaves at 3:47” but they really can’t be bothered to help you out with any ideas. 

    At pretty much every one we stopped at, we asked “What is there to do with children?”  Most of the time the answer was some version of “go to a different city.”  No one had any ideas on things to do with kids.  So we would do things like say.

    “I noticed that there is a petting zoo with a playground.  Is that open?”

    “Yes it is.”

    “Can you tell us how to get there?”

    “Yes.”

    …….

    “Would you please?”

    We went to one city that was a little upscale and Sarah came back to the car after going into the info booth and said “Boy the sticks are really big here.”  Apparently the woman had gotten upset because Sarah explained that she had read that there was an alphorn concert at 3:00.  The lady insisted that the concert was only at 11:00 and that we had missed it and demanded to know where Sarah had gotten such an idea.  When Sarah pointed her to the website, the lady snuffed and begrudgingly gave us directions to the concert. 

    This is their hospitality sector.

    The waiters are more or less the same.  They will deliver a menu and food.  But answering questions or offering suggestions is really beyond them.  One night in Switzerland after a long day of traipsing across an alp with our kids.  Sarah said, “I could really use a nice waiter tonight.”  We didn’t get one.  When we got back to the states and went out to eat, I swear Sarah got a little weepy when the waiter smiled at our kids, joked with us and was generally kind and  polite.  

    You know why?  Absence of stick. 

    I swear a giant pair of tweezers and some Vaseline would do wonders for that country. 

    One of the nice things about traveling abroad is that you really appreciate your own country when you return.  When we went to England, I was less homesick for the US.  Sure I missed ice in my glass, peanut butter that didn’t taste so weird and driving on the right, but the cultures were more similar than different.  And even though the Brits can be a little formal at times and occasionally have their own stick issues, most of them are nice, funny, friendly people.  Plus they have an awesome accent.

    And don’t get me wrong.  Not all of the Swiss are like this.  The people we swapped houses with were wonderful.  You know how I know, they're both Italians.   We had an awesome vacation.  I wouldn’t change anything about what we did or where we went.  The alps are one of God’s most amazing creations and it is a life changing experience to walk amongst them, listening to the cow bells and watching the waterfalls that pour down their sides.  But there is a price you pay to do that.  A tax if you will.  A tax on the stick free.  It’s annoying, but not nearly as annoying as having that stick up there.

     

  • No Being Sexy in Switzerland

     One of the great things about visiting another country or even a different part of your own country is that you can learn a lot just by reading the signs.  I have always had an affinity for odd signs such as the one I saw in Mississippi that said “Grossery Store.”  Possibly accurate, but mainly just sad.

    In Switzerland there were a number of signs that amused me, either because something didn’t translate, or because the Swiss are just that weird.

    You sometimes hear how big movies stars will go to Japan and shill for products and occasionally we’ll get video of Brad Pitt endorsing Japanese deodorant or Julia Roberts fauning over Italian pasta sauce.  Well it’s totally true.

    This was on the top of a mountain after we rode a cable car.  Good ol’ George Clooney.  Sure he’s too good to Endorse Jiffy Peanut Butter here in the states, but he’s got no problem lending his name to this fancy pants coffee maker.  (By the by, the house we stayed in had a nespresso machine.  George is 100%  right.  I’m totally addicted.) 

    We also saw all of the desperate housewife gals out promoting, ice cream, cleaning products and make up.  Those Europeans have it so good.

     

     

    This was on a condom machine in the men’s restroom.  I always find Condom machines amusing.  Heck, I find almost any vending machine in a men’s room amusing.  It seems so dirty and secretive that they had to hide it away.  

    “Your girlfriend will never know that you got your Calvin Klein cologne from a dispenser next to a urinal.  Impress her now!”

    But condom machines always seem a little odd.  I just imagine the guy sitting in the restaurant thinking “man this is going really well!  I thought we were just going to hold hands, but it looks like this might go all the way.  Quick!  To the Batcave to procure a questionable condom from a questionable source, for a questionable evening!”

    Anyway, I thought this picture on the side was very amusing.  What exactly is she doing?  And why is everyone’s hair so big?

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    This isn’t technically a sign, but it was a window diorama advertising the “Wild Side –American Store.”  You see this is our problem internationally.  This is what people think of us.  Cowboy boots, camouflage, spiked collars, the terminator.  I’m surprised they weren’t selling an AK47 and vials of cocaine.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    And this is my favorite sign.  I assume it means no sunbathing, but it’s hard not to read it as a general prohibition against being Sexy while in the land of cheese, chocolate and cowbells.  I took note and tried so very hard not to be sexy, but it’s difficult.  George Clooney would have been screwed.

  • 5 Things I Learned about the Swiss

     
    It’s always interesting to travel to a new country.  In addition to the differences in the natural surroundings you learn a lot about the differences in the culture and, more specifically, the people that make up that culture.  I think many people might argue that there is an American culture, but it’s much harder to define.  We’re such a large and diverse country that our American culture is a little harder to put into a box, which is why when you see an “American Store” in another country, it usually sells cowboy hats.  Sure that’s a part of our culture, but it doesn’t represent about 90% of us.

    Anyway, we just got back from two weeks in Switzerland and the nice thing about Switzerland is that it’s so much easier to harshly stereotype people.  You’ve got a whole country of people who are generally white, well off, and share a similar religious and cultural background.  It would be like if everyone in the US had grown up in Martha’s Vineyard.  Sure some of the Swiss herd cows in the Alps and some work at banks in Zurich.  Some speak German, some speak French and some speak Italians as well as few other weirdo languages, but for the sake of locking them all in a small little box (all the better to ridicule you, my dear) let’s ignore all that.  So, without further ado.  I present to you, five things I learned about the Swiss.

    1. They’re Crazy Healthy… and not

    They’re really aren’t fat Swiss people, if you get a little closer to Italy, you start seeing people who are a little more… uh…. well rounded, but the hard core Swiss in the middle?  They are a bunch of lean, fit, freaks.

    It’s not hard to figure out why.  Everyone there rides a bike or goes hiking.  We were staying at a town at the top of a 5100 foot mountain and everyday we saw dozens if not hundreds of people biking up the mountain.  And I don’t mean huffing it, I mean chug chug chugging their tiny little buttocks up this alp like it was no problem.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  When I’m pulling my kids in a bike trailer, I break out into a sweat if we have to go over a speed bump.  I literally saw a man, riding his bike up a 12% incline, in the rain, with saddle bags of luggage on his front wheels and back wheels, pulling a kid trailer and he looked like he was out for an afternoon stroll.  You know how male gymnasts have these huge bodies and spindly legs.  Well the Swiss are like 80% calves.

    To be fair, this is what the young people do, when you get old, you have to slow down, and then you have to just hike up the Alps.  Everywhere you go, you see these 70 year old women with hiking boots and walking sticks setting out to cross an Alp.  And this is what they do for fun!  It really was amazing.  In most of America, the elderly have to be hooked up to oxygen if they’re going to walk from their car to that motorized shopping cart at Wal-mart.  I guess in Switzerland, you just hike until you’re body gives out and you fall down the side of the mountain and are devoured by sheep and marmets. Natural selection at its best.

    At the same time, they all smoke like chimneys.  It’s bizarre.  I guess if you spend you’re life biking up an alp you can smoke all you want.  Who knew?

     


    2.  They don’t really care for children

    There is a joke that the Swiss like their dogs more than their children (in Switzerland that passes for a joke.  Humor really isn’t their forte).  This seems a little harsh, but it’s more or less accurate.  The Swiss do love their dogs.  They take them everywhere – shopping, to the grocery store, on ski lifts, in restaurants.  It’s the only country where the moving walk way at the airport doesn’t say “hold your child’s hand,” but rather has a sign saying, “dogs must be held while on the moving walkway.”  Screw the kids, they’ll be fine.

    Everywhere we went you would find little boxes with bags to clean up dog poop.  And when I mean everywhere, I mean if you take a cable car to the top of a 10,000 foot mountain and then walk a mile to your left, I guarantee that you will pass about 5 of these boxes.  However, if you want to change your kid’s diaper, you better get down on your hands and knees in front of the urinal, because you’ll need to leave the country to find a changing table.  In Switzerland, the Koala Bear does not Kare. 

    And we probably put our kids in a dozen different high chairs at various restaurants and not a single one had a safety strap on it.  And I know for a fact that all of those brands come with safety straps, they just weren’t there.  Now, I don’t want to say that the Swiss were actively trying to injure our children, but…..

    We didn’t see many Swiss kids, and when we did, they seemed to be an only child – quiet, sullen, contemplating their investments while they biked up an alp.  (no kidding, I saw 8 year olds hoofing it up mountains.  It was crazy).  Our family looked like the Brady Bunch by comparison when we showed up with our three kids.  The only times we didn’t feel out of place was when an Italian family showed up.  They would have a whole slew of kids running around, laughing, shouting and having a great time.  They were Sooooo not Swiss.

    Thank God for the Italians.  I could always tell if someone was Italian, because they would smile at our kids.  The Swiss completely ignored our children.  Now, I don’t want to sound pretentious, but my kids are pretty darn cute.  I would say on average when I am out with my kids that about 3 or 4 times a day someone will stop and comment on the kids, or ask how old they are or something.  Now, I’m not suggesting that my kids are special, I think anyone who is out with their kids experiences this… just not in Switzerland.  It is no exaggeration to say that the only Swiss person who said hello to our kids was a lady who had spent 20 years in the states.  On the other hand, we couldn’t beat the Italians off with a stick.  (We were about 20 miles from Italy).  They were always coming up and talking to the kids, and calling them bambinas and smiling and laughing.  They’re a wonderful people.  I had three elderly ladies who didn’t speak a word of English, stop and try to talk to me for 10 minutes about the kids.  Cooing over them, asking with their hands how old they are and generally being nice little old grandmothers.  And then they gave me a copy of the Watchtower.

    To be continued:  The other three things I learned

  • Houseswap - It's Like Wifeswap, but with a Lower Chance of STDs

     We just got back from a two week houseswap last night.  Ok, ok, I know what you’re thinking, and no, we didn’t redecorate each other’s living rooms with a budget of $1,000, or tell each other how to raise the other person’s kids (which, of course, I could have), or strand ourselves on a desert island and have to eat salmon testicles (do salmon have…..?  nevermind).

    No, my family just swapped houses and cars with a Swiss couple for two weeks.

    Why would you do this you ask?  Well, there are a lot of reasons, let me enumerate them for you.

    1.  Saving the Moolah, baby!

    The main reason anyone does this is to save some money.  Now we are not a poor family, but it was definitely stretching us a little bit to buy plane tickets for our family of five to Switzerland.  There is no way we could have afforded to stay in a hotel for two weeks and rent a car on top of it.  Quite simply, we wouldn’t have gone, and instead would have stayed at the Best Western Little Rock (free continental breakfast!) and visited the Ozarks.  But if you take any trip and remove the cost of lodging and car rental, you cut the price in half if not better.

    2.  It’s a whole house!

    Have you ever tried to squeeze a family of five into a hotel room for two weeks?  It goes something like this.  One kid on the bed, one kid in a play tent on the floor (no seriously try it, it works) and the baby in a crib in the bathroom.  This means that no one can go to the bathroom after the baby goes to sleep and that when the kids all go to sleep, either mom and dad go to sleep too, or they stay up watching CSI reruns with the mute button on.  It blows.  After a few days you’re ready to kill everyone, plus your eating three meals a day at a restaurant.

    With a house swap, you have a whole house for your vacation.  The kids each have their own room, Mom and Dad can stay up watching CSI reruns in German and you have a full kitchen.   Food and eating out was pretty expensive in Switzerland, so we had breakfast at the house every morning, usually made sandwiches for lunch and cooked dinner at home half the time and ate out about half the time (mmmm Weiner schnitzel).  It’s like renting a vacation house for two weeks.

    3.  It’s cultural.

    For me, the greatest part of the house swap is the cultural aspect of the exchange.  You learn things about other cultures that you would never learn staying at a hotel.  For instance, Europeans keep their eggs in the pantry, milk only comes in quart size containers, and that tiny appliance in the corner?  That’s the refrigerator.

    I love feeling that for a couple of weeks, we are a part of the area we’re staying in.  I like shopping in the grocery store and trying to identify what animal various meats come from.  I like trying weird beverages (dandelion-burdock soda anyone?)  I like going to the bakery and the pharmacy and the butcher to get things for our stay.  I like identifying the things that are superior in the houses (solid wood doors, a dish rack that has a drain directly into the sink) and the things that are not (washing machine that can hold two socks and a t-shirt, no dryer, $10 a quart ice cream).  You really get to know a place when you live there.

    Basically, I love it.  We’ve done three now.  One for three weeks in England during maternity leave a few years ago, one for a week on a sea island in Georgia, and this recent one.  All have been awesome and no, no one has ever stolen our TV, left a giant mess in the living room, or driven our car into the garage door. 

    I can understand why people are nervous about it.  It’s a little weird to have people sleeping in your bed (although a lot less weird to have one person sleeping in your bed, than, say, staying in a hotel bed that thousands of people have slept in and, lets be honest, done naughty naughty things in.) 

    And of course, there is the very real chance that someone could back up your plumbing, dent your car, or leave a stain on your rug (of course, if you have children, this is nothing new).  But none of those things have ever happened.  We have always returned to houses that, if anything, are cleaner than when we left them, cars that were dent free, and a TV that was still sitting where we left it.

    In short, I think house swaps are awesome and I would recommend them to anyone.  In fact I have, and so far no one has taken my recommendation.  This says something about someone, possibly me.

    If this seems interesting to you at all, there are lots of websites you can go to.  (We use  www.homelink.org )  It’s fairly simple.  You pay an annual fee to list your house on the website and look at other people’s homes.  Then you simply email people who have houses that you like in places that interest you and say something like

    “Hey.  You want to swap your house and car for two weeks in July?”

    (swapping wives is optional)

  • Satan to Attend Harvard Law School

     I have always loved the Weekly World News.  You know, that crazy newspaper that used to be at the checkout stand in the grocery store.  You know, the one that always had a story about Barbara Bush giving birth to an alien, or a three headed baby that could speak Portuguese, Icelandic and Russian.

    I loved that they made no pretense at all that there stories were remotely true, or that their photo shopped images might possibly be real.  It was absurdity for absurdity sake, and that, my dear, is a beautiful thing. 

    So I applied for a  job there.  Well, not so much applied, as I just mailed them a story that seemed to fit their genre.  I thought perhaps they might be so impressed that they would offer me a freelance job writing the future sagas of batboy (which is now a musical – no joke.  Check it out: http://www.batboy.co.uk/

    Anyway, this is what I sent them:


    Satan to Attend Harvard Law School

    Associated Press

    The Dean of Harvard Law school surprised many people, including the Deans at Yale and Stanford when he announced that Satan would be admitted into the 2009 Law school class this fall.  While rumors of Satan applying to law school has been circulating for some time, it was unknown where and when he would actually attend.

    Beezlebub, or Bubba as he is known to his friends, seemed upbeat about his choice.  “I was considering several schools, but in the end I knew Harvard was in the best position to supply me with the world class education I needed.”

    When asked why the world’s foremost purveyor of evil would want to pursue a legal degree, Satan seemed circumspect.  “It’s the times really.  It used to be that we could just trade a soul for a bag of gold, a few misplaced ballots, or a final three spot on American idol and that was the end of it.  But more and more of our clients are finding ways out of their agreement due to legal loopholes and sloppily written contracts.  To be honest, we’ve been struggling ever since that whole Daniel Webster mess.”  Satan went on to say, “That, and I’m tired of my family asking me what I’m going to do with my life.  It was either law school or another uncomfortable Thanksgiving dinner at grandmas.”

    Harvard Dean of Admissions Marianne Williamson said she thought Satan would do well at the University.  “His application showed a keen ability to present a compelling argument and also to identify the weaknesses in others’ arguments.  That and he promised me a date with the tall blonde guy from Big Brother 5.”

    Satan himself seemed up to the challenge of law school.  “Our family has spent most of the last couple millennia dealing with the wicked, immoral, perverted and deviant in society.  To be honest, I feel like law school should be a good match for my talents.”

    ----------------------------

    Needless to say, they never contacted me about a possible position at their esteemed paper.  They did, in fact, go bankrupt a few months later.

    Coincidence?  Only batboy knows for sure.

  • News of the Future: Last Child Left Behind Dies

     Washington Post October 2038


    Last Child Left Behind Dies
     
    Thomas Granville of Bucksnort, Tennessee died yesterday in a car accident just south of his small Appalachian hometown.  Granville gained notoriety in the early teens by becoming the last child left behind by the education reform policy nicknamed “no child left behind.”
     
    Up until the early 2000s an estimated 1.7 million children were being ill served by our nation’s education system.  Due to poorly funded schools, unknowledgeable teachers and a culture of poverty crafted from over two centuries of racism and a class system that worked primarily to reward the rich, millions of families and their children were suffering through miserable living conditions and being educated in schools whose crumbling buildings reflected the despair and administrative ineptitude that wallowed within.
     
    For over a century, reformers had tried everything from increased funding to a focus on social programs with only modest effect.   It wasn’t until 2003 when a group of Conservative law makers, including President George W. Bush and Senator Ted Kennedy, crafted the No Child Left Behind Act, which centered on the belief that every child should succeed in school.
     
    Initially, the act was met with skepticism.  Few believed that a program focused almost exclusively on tying funding to high stakes testsas a means of motivation would succeed.  At the time,Maxine Davis of the American Teacher Federation was quoted as saying,

    “This whole act is completely asinine.  It’s predicated on the belief that teachers are simply not working hard enough and that if schools and teachers were threatened with being closed down then the teachers would finally get off their duff and become effective.  That’s like suggesting that the only reason we haven’t won in Iraq is because the soldiers haven’t tried hard enough and that if we simply required that they have the entire country stable by 2008 or the military loses all their funding that they would then eliminate all the insurgents overnight.  It’s completely illogical.”
     
    As President Bush was fond of saying in later years “I guess we proved Ms. Davis wrong on both accounts, heh heh heh.”
     
    Shortly after the unequivocal success of the Iraq war and subsequent peace treaties in 2009, Thomas Granville dropped out of 11th grade, the last child in America to get left behind.  It turns out that increased test pressures was, in fact, all that was needed to turn America’s troubled school system into a bastion of intellectual rigor.  Since 2010, every child has been lifted out of poverty by the hard work they exhibited once they understood that the government was serious.
     
    Thomas Granville had become a sort of anti-celebrity as the last American failure.  Cameras followed him around and he even had a short lived reality program titled “Tommy – The Life of a Left Behind.”  The seminal moment of this series was when Tommy attended what would have been his high school graduation.
     
    Gary “the chunk” Daniels was the valedictorian of Bucksnort High and he had this to say in his graduation address. 
     
    “I grew up in horrible circumstances.  None of my family had ever graduated from high school.  I never even knew who my father was, and my mother’s meth addiction kept her from being the role model I so desperately needed.  I spent much of my youth screwing around and getting into trouble and skipping school.  Nobody seemed to care about me.  Then in 6th grade we spent most of the year studying for this one test.  We stopped reading novels and silly details in math and focused on the things that really mattered: the hand full of topics that were going to be on this state test.  I could see in the eyes of the teachers that they had a renewed sense of purpose.  It was as if they had woken from a fog and were now fully dedicated to their jobs.  I didn’t mind that recess and gym and music and art had been cancelled to make more time for test prep.  I finally knew that someone actually cared about me.  My government cared.”
     
    Granville was filmed crying helplessly as he listened to this address, his tears an indication that he finally understood the future that could have been his.  This moment in the series became a touchstone for America as the country came to recognize how much they had failed society in the past and how that was now all behind them. 
     
    In the ensuing years, Granville worked a series of menial jobs mostly alongside undocumented immigrants who the 2008 Freedom to Live act had prohibited from attending public schools or receiving any other government services.  He drifted from job to job struggling with alcohol and drug addiction before his untimely death yesterday morning.  He will be buried near his family in the Bucksnort Peaceful Gardens Cemetery on Friday.  PBS is expected to carry the funeral live, followed by a special entitled: America, Now Failure Free. 

  • Why Can't Cinderella Just Find a Man on eHarmony Like Everyone Else?

     GET A JOB CINDY!

    As you know, I’m a stay at home dad.  That means that occasionally I do manly things like mowing the lawn, changing light fixtures or grilling a steak, but most of the time I am doing things that society has deemed generally unmanly:  washing clothes, mopping floors, baking cookies – heck, Hillary Clinton doesn’t even bake cookies. 

    And, I’m fine with it.  My wife goes off to work every day and does big important things for big important people as a lawyer.  I stay home and use my hands to physically remove feces from the bottom of another human being.  (Insert your own lawyer joke here).

    So here’s where the irony comes in.  Yesterday, Audra is talking with Sarah and says to her something along the lines of “Daddy can do anything because he’s a man and men are brave and strong.”  (note:  that is actually the first time those adjectives have ever been used to describe me.  Now, “scrawny” and “sarcastic” on the other hand…”)

    So Sarah says to her, “Now honey, Women can do anything men can do.”

    “No they can’t.  You can’t build a fire, or mow the lawn, or cook dinner, or drive the van.”

    “I drive every day!”

    “Not the van….”

    So my wife comes to me, upset.  She wants us to mix up our gender roles so our daughter doesn’t get a warped view of what men and women can do.  She blames this all on that helpless trollop Snow White.

     

    I happily responded that perhaps Sarah should start washing the dishes, or cooking dinner, or doing the laundry so that Audra could learn that women can do those things too.

    She was not amused. 

    It does raise an interesting question.  If a girl with a mom who works full time and a dad who stays at home and plays dolls with her can still get the impression that men can do more than women, what does this say about society?  I feel like we’ve done our part.  We bought her a basketball, we gave her a doctor kit for Christmas.  Heck, we even let her watch Hannah Montana.  How much more empowerment does a 5 year old need to compensate for the fact that Cinderella can’t even keep track of both of her shoes without some man to help her out?

    I don’t know.  If the daughter of a working mom and stay at home dad can’t realize that the genders are at the very least equal, there’s not a heck of a lot else I can do.  If we mixed up our gender roles any more I’d have to go to work and Sarah would have to stay home and I don’t know if that gets us anywhere except into the poor house.  (let’s just say the choice between living off of a teacher; salary or a lawyer’s salary was not a difficult one).

    Maybe it is my fault if Audra leaves here thinking that men can do anything.  Maybe I’m just that awesome.

    But it’s probably Cinderella.

     

  • Nothing But Net's Baby!

     Ok, if you were presuming that this was a blog about my basketball skills, I am sad to say that you will be wildly disappointed.  I don’t actually have any basketball skills.  When I used to play HORSE with friends, I always insisted on playing HOARSE.  I needed the extra letter.  Sometimes I even tried to go with the latin name, but no one ever wants to play a game of EQUUS CABALLUS.

    No, this is a much more boring blog, but a much more important one.  I know, it may not be very entertaining, but I wanted to share about a charity that is doing some important work.  That’s right, this is nothing more than a pitch to get you to donate some money to a worthy cause, so know that up front.  I’ll try and write something funny for tomorrow.

    Nothing But Nets http://www.nothingbutnets.net/  is a charity that is working to stop the spread of Malaria in sub-Saharan Africa.  It was started by a partnership between the United Methodist Church, the UN, Sports Illustrated and NBA Cares.  I came across it at my church and feel like it is one of the better programs out there.  First a few tedious facts:

    Malaria affects over 500 million people a year, leaving many crippled and unable to work.  It kills over a million people a year, almost all of whom are children.  In fact a child dies from Malaria every 30 seconds.  On top of this, when someone is infected, they cannot work and often their family members must stay home to take care of them.  This means that the disease helps to keep families and entire countries in poverty.

    The nothing but nets campaign does something very simple.  It sends mosquito nets to families in Africa.  These nets are coated in pesticides that kill the mosquito on contact and are large enough that a family of 4 can sleep underneath a single net.  These nets are deigned to be used for up to four years.

    It only costs $10 to manufacture ship and deliver a single net to a family.  In addition, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has offered to match net for net every donation that is made.  So far over 2 million nets have been sent.

    It is not often that we are provided with an opportunity to have such a significant impact with such a small amount of money.  Most of the times are donations go to an unknown use.  We may donate to the Red Cross, but we don’t get to see exactly how our donation is being used.  Or we may send money for food to a starving nation, but that food is eaten and gone within days.  I am in no way demeaning these kinds of causes.  We give to them and will continue to give to them (heck, I’ll probably write some blog about that kind of organization soon enough), but it is uniquely satisfying to see how your donation so clearly helps a family and will continue to do so for years to come.

    There is something powerful about understanding that $10 can literally save the life of a child and the prosperity of a family half way around the world. 

    I would love for people to donate to this organization (obviously.  Otherwise, I’m just spinning my wheels here), but I would also like to ask you to think about ways that you could lead a mini campaign yourself.  Is there a church or organization that you are a part of that might be willing to take up a one day donation for this cause? 

    If you’re like me, you probably feel like you get hit up for this kind of thing all the time.  We literally have stopped answering the phone if the called ID shows that it’s a 1-800 number.  Alumni associations, civil rights organizations, politicians, the homeless, arts organizations, the red cross and anyone else I have ever given money to or anyone who has ever bought a list of names from someone I have given money to blah blah blah.  Believe me, I understand.  But I also think that every once in a while, something comes along that is truly worth supporting and I hope you’ll feel the same way.

    $10

    Send a net.  Save a life.

     

     

     

     

     

    http://www.nothingbutnets.net

    Net

  • News of the Future: English Scholars Mourn the Death of Texting

     Editors note:  This is the second in a series of articles we have obtained from the future.  The articles were found in a sort of reverse time capsule and have been verified to be 100% accurate…. To the best of our knowledge.


    Washington Post October 2038


    English Scholars Mourn the Death of Texting.

    A panel of noted English professors recently bemoaned what they see as the lost art of texting.  “It pains me to look around my classroom and see students busily scribbling mental brain imprints on to their Ibooks with nary a one taking the opportunity to text a message to a friend.” 

    As newer forms of communication such as instant-instant messaging (also known as talking) and optical messaging systems have taken over generation Ps lives, texting has fallen into disuse. 

    “I remember texting my third husband ‘im prgnt!,” says Literary Scholar Jena Bush-Krasinski.   “It was such a vibrant and colorful means of communication and one that I am afraid this younger generation knows nothing about.  It’s hard to think what will become of a civilization whose youth no longer pick up a phone and spend a few seconds texting one letter words to their friends.  How will future generations judge us?”

    Author Colby Williams who famously wrote the seminal gen-y novel “U N Me?  OMG!” in a series of over 3,000 50 character texts had this to say.  “I for one have to have a phone to write.  I like the feel of the plastic in my hand and the way the buttons respond to my non nerve damaged thumb.  It is odd to see so many young wannabe authors running around with legal pads.  That so called back to basics approach is nothing more than people with little talent hoping that the tedium of writing out whole words will make their lackluster ideas have some, you know, luster.”

     

  • Constipation Irritation

     I don’t know why so many of my recent entries have centered on bowel problems with my children.  I guess that’s just the stage of life I’m in right now.  It’s deeply unfortunate for all of us involved though.  I don’t want to go through this and I’m guessing you aren’t dying to read about it and yet somehow it seems significant… or maybe it just seems disgusting, I can’t be sure.

    Anyway, yesterday I had to relive one of the lowest points of my parenting history.  Something I had assumed, and certainly prayed that I would never have to do again.

    About 5 years ago, when Audra was just a little over the age of 1, she had a bad bout of constipation.  We had been going through a week or so of her struggling and crying every time she had a bowel movement.  I had been doing everything I could.  I had been cutting down on milk, massaging her belly, slipping her apple juice and even, heaven help me, giving her little baby enemas and suppositories. 

    You haven’t lived until you’ve had to stop at three different drug stores in Charleston, WV and ask:  “Excuse me, do you have any smaller enemas?”  (By the by, the enema is not the “lowest point of my parenting history” so feel free to abandon this entry right now and go read something light and funny like a Hi and Lois cartoon http://www.kingfeatures.com/features/comics/hi_lois/about.htm )

    All of these activities provided moderate relief, but she was still clearly trying to work something through her system.  Then one day, the familiar screaming that sounded like someone had suddenly started shoving hot pokers in her arm started issuing forth and I again began doing all of the things I was supposed to do, such as massaging her abdomen, moving her legs up and down and just generally trying to get her to work it out.  All to no avail.  Eventually, I decided to investigate.  I opened up her diaper and

    HOLY CRAP!

    There was what appeared, for all the world, to be  a crusty old banana stuck inside my daughter.  It was huge.  There was no way in hell this thing was getting out without an episiotomy.

    I called up my pediatrician and tried to explain in civil, technical terms, over the screaming, what was going on.

    “Hello?  Yes, my daughter is constipated and she is in the middle of having  a bowel movement, but the uh..  I don’t what to call it… the … um… the feces is too big and hard.  It’s stuck and it’s not moving and she’s screaming and….”

    The doctor calmly told me to do all of the things I had been doing.  To move her legs, to press lightly on her belly…

    “Do you have an enema?”  The doctor asked.

    “Yes,” I said, now a bit frantic, “but there’s nowhere to stick it!”

    “Well in that case,” said the doctor calmly, “You’ll have to manually ease it out.”

    Silence. 

    A long period of silence punctuated only by the shrieks of my daughter.

    “Um…. How exactly do you do that?”

    Minutes later, all vaselined up, I was manually trying to ease a giant poop out of my daughter. 

    Now, I mean no disrespect to anyone when I say this, but I have never in my life been involved in something that seemed so much like childbirth.  (with the obvious exception of, you know, childbirth).  I am in no way giving myself credit and in no way trying to demean women or babies, or gynecologists, but when I was in the process of spreading Vaseline around and trying to ease this unholy demon poop out of my tiny 16 pound daughter, that is exactly what it seemed like – in the worst way possible.

    The end shot of all of this is that I was able to remove the foreign body from my daughter.  She eventually did heal (without the help of a sitz bath thank you very much).  And apart from being permanently scarred for life, I was ok too.

    Until yesterday.

    My 11 month old son, was screaming, a very familiar scream.  I went upstairs to change him and there, back from the dead, was a big old pooh stuck in rabbit’s hole. 

    (was that too much?  I couldn’t decide where the line was.)

    Anyway, the interesting thing was that it didn’t bother me that much.  I, unfortunately, knew precisely what to do.  I sighed deeply, reached for the Vaseline and within a few minutes had taken care of the problem. 

    I don’t know what this says about me, or my kids genetic make up, but I do know that what had once seemed like a worst case scenario for what a parent might have to do, is now, for me,  just something that happens between vacuuming the play room and making lunch.

    Ok, that’s the end of my story.  I promise not to write about poop for a long time. 

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