This is a continuation of the things I learned about the Swiss while visiting their stunningly beautiful country.  Yesterday I discussed that the Swiss are very very healthy and in great shape, except for that lung cancer thing and that they don’t like kids… or at least my kids.  Don’t seem to care a whole bunch for their own kids either.  Anyway, today we’ll discover some other aspects of the Swiss personality in this fair and balanced examination of their personality and culture as viewed through the eyes of a condescending American.  It’s what we do.

3. They’re Self Centered

My wife and I debated a long time about whether the Swiss are selfish or self centered.  We decided that there wasn’t a whole lot of difference between the two, but that self centered was a little less mean and since we had been guests in their country, perhaps we should give them the benefit of the doubt. 

Back in the day, I had a lot of respect for the Swiss.  I thought that the whole neutrality thing was pretty cool. 

“Hey we’re a bunch of peaceniks, we don’t want to get involved.  We’ll just stand on the side and sell you bullets while you kill each other and, oh, if you want us to put a whole bunch of stolen Jewish art and money in a vault and not tell anyone we can totally do that.”

Ok, ok, so they weren’t perfect, but I thought the neutrality thing was nice.  Sort of like that kid in middle school who refuses to get involved in the big food fight.  (Yeah, I was totally that kid.)  You see I had always assumed that it was because the Swiss were a peace loving people and just didn’t like war.  As it turns out, it’s just because they don’t really care what happens to other people. 

They are the wealthiest country in the world and I think maintaining that is more or less their prime objective.  Hitler can take over the whole world, but as long as he deposits his cash in a UBS prime checking account, then whatever.

So, that’s probably a little harsh (if not historically accurate), but it’s the conclusion I reached after being there for a while.  People just don’t seem all that concerned about other people aside from how it affects them.  This was obvious in their aggressive but efficient driving, how people would push by you but never say excuse me, how waiters would do the bare minimum to communicate and in the Swiss’ general indifference to being friendly to strangers.  I started actively trying to catch people’s eye to say hello and most of the time they would stare at me blankly or go out of their way to not make eye contact.

Now, I know the US is not perfect.  We can be rude, terrible drivers, invade random countries, and we are known for being terrible international travelers (not my family of course, but you know, those tour buses from Akron).  We also have a bit of a healthy ego ourselves.  But that being said, by golly I like to think that we are a pretty friendly people.  Sure, some of us are rude and we might shoot you on the highway in LA, or in a school in Baltimore, or in a field with Dick Cheney, but in general we’re a pretty nice people.  Even New Yorkers will stop to give you directions if you ask.  They might not smile when they do it, but they’ll probably help out.  The US customs guy was nicer than just about any of the Swiss we interacted with.  Heck the Swiss customs guy didn’t even speak to us.

I think, through minutes of scientific study and reflection, that the reason behind this is that the Swiss don’t really care about you.  They live in a crazy beautiful country, they have lots of money and honestly, they don’t need to be nice.  They’re too busy thinking about themselves.

4.  They think they’re happy, but they’re not.

A few months ago, I read a book called “The Geography of Happiness” by Eric Weiner.  It was a pretty interesting book, although long on observations and short on conclusions.  Anyway, the premise was that this guy was going to visit all of the happiest places in the world and see what made them happy.  And what do you know, Switzerland was at the top of the list.  The author said he met with the people and they all said they were very happy because Switzerland was efficient and clean and the trains ran on time (seriously).

Here’s the rub.  These people aren’t happy.  Maybe in a stepford way they are, but not in a smiling, wrinkles around your eyes, laugh so hard you have to cry kind of way.  I saw virtually no signs of happiness, or any emotion for that matter.  The Swiss make the Germans seem warm. 

I think the Swiss are content.  They have what they need.  Their government and services are run effectively and life is pleasant.   This is not happiness though.  This is lack of major annoyances.  There’s a difference.  

Now the Italians, those are a happy people.  They’re also at times a sad and an angry people, but boy can they be happy.  If you heard a bunch of laughing and shouting and kids running willy nilly without any supervision you knew the jolly Italians were coming down the street.  You can see it on their faces.  They are enjoying life.

And here’s how I know.  If the Italians all got poor, they would be angry and frustrated and resentful, but I guarantee there would be moments where they were still happy and laughing and having fun.  If the Swiss were poor… man!  If the highways had trash on them and the government was a mess and the trains started running an hour late.  They would all be suicidal.  If those things happened to the Americans?  Well we’d be pretty much like we are now wouldn’t we?  A little annoyed, a little frustrated, a little angry, but, with the help of a little Xanax, more or less happy.

5.  The Swiss have a giant Stick up their a**

Ok, that’s not very nice, but boy is it accurate.  I know it’s accurate, because my wife said it, not me. 

They do.  They really, really have a giant stick.  This is most obvious in the information centers.  Every town has an information office that gives out pamphlets and helps you figure out what to do.  Now, we probably visited a dozen or so and let me tell you the last thing these people want to do is be helpful and give you information.  They are happy to answer a specific question.  “Yes, the train leaves at 3:47” but they really can’t be bothered to help you out with any ideas. 

At pretty much every one we stopped at, we asked “What is there to do with children?”  Most of the time the answer was some version of “go to a different city.”  No one had any ideas on things to do with kids.  So we would do things like say.

“I noticed that there is a petting zoo with a playground.  Is that open?”

“Yes it is.”

“Can you tell us how to get there?”

“Yes.”

…….

“Would you please?”

We went to one city that was a little upscale and Sarah came back to the car after going into the info booth and said “Boy the sticks are really big here.”  Apparently the woman had gotten upset because Sarah explained that she had read that there was an alphorn concert at 3:00.  The lady insisted that the concert was only at 11:00 and that we had missed it and demanded to know where Sarah had gotten such an idea.  When Sarah pointed her to the website, the lady snuffed and begrudgingly gave us directions to the concert. 

This is their hospitality sector.

The waiters are more or less the same.  They will deliver a menu and food.  But answering questions or offering suggestions is really beyond them.  One night in Switzerland after a long day of traipsing across an alp with our kids.  Sarah said, “I could really use a nice waiter tonight.”  We didn’t get one.  When we got back to the states and went out to eat, I swear Sarah got a little weepy when the waiter smiled at our kids, joked with us and was generally kind and  polite.  

You know why?  Absence of stick. 

I swear a giant pair of tweezers and some Vaseline would do wonders for that country. 

One of the nice things about traveling abroad is that you really appreciate your own country when you return.  When we went to England, I was less homesick for the US.  Sure I missed ice in my glass, peanut butter that didn’t taste so weird and driving on the right, but the cultures were more similar than different.  And even though the Brits can be a little formal at times and occasionally have their own stick issues, most of them are nice, funny, friendly people.  Plus they have an awesome accent.

And don’t get me wrong.  Not all of the Swiss are like this.  The people we swapped houses with were wonderful.  You know how I know, they're both Italians.   We had an awesome vacation.  I wouldn’t change anything about what we did or where we went.  The alps are one of God’s most amazing creations and it is a life changing experience to walk amongst them, listening to the cow bells and watching the waterfalls that pour down their sides.  But there is a price you pay to do that.  A tax if you will.  A tax on the stick free.  It’s annoying, but not nearly as annoying as having that stick up there.