Dear Readers,

Hallo.  I am Friedrich and I am a Swiss.   Recently there was an article published about the Swiss which said terrible untrue things such as that we do not have a good sense of the humor.  This is not true!  I will tell a joke now to prove this.

What do you get when you have the mix of a chicken and a horse?

The answer to the joke?  Nothing!  Because a chicken and a horse are genetically incompatible.

You see, we have a good humor.

In response to all of these untruths that have been written, I am writing about 5 things that I have learned about Americans.

1.  You are all fat.

Holy Heidi, you Americans are quite round.  In Der Switzer, we do not have this fatness.  We like to rollerblade uphill and eat lunches of 2 crackers, a slice of cheese and a piece of chocolate.  Then we smoke many cigarettes.  This keeps the fatness from getting on us.  How do you expect to keep the fatness away without smoking cigarettes?

But you Americans!  You don’t even walk.  You ride in cars to go everywhere, even if it is just a quick 10 mile walk to the grocery store and your police use the segway because of their laziness.  Then for lunch you will go to the Ruby Tuesday and order a breast of chicken deep fried in fat served with potatoes deep fried in fat and followed by a dessert of the cheesecake deep fried in fat.  It is craziness.

I traveled to Memphis to see where the King of the Rock and Roll lived and everybody there looked like they had been inflated.  No wonder you Americans must all drive your big SVU cars.  If you rode in European cars you would break them,

2.  Your trains are quite horrendously

I travel to Memphis to see the blue suede shoe man and I take the Amtrak train.  This train is terrible.  To go from Washington DC to Memphis, I have to go to Chicago, get off the train, wander around for 12 hours, get back on the train and still pay $300.  This is crazy.  That would be like going from Bellinzona to Lugano by going through Feldkirch!  You see the craziness! 

And your trains do not run on time!   My train was late always.  And it crashed several times.  Why is this?  Why do you have terrible trains that make no sense? Cost great money and crash?  In Der Switzer our trains run on time and go where they should go, not crazy places like Chicago.

3.  You put Mayonnaise in a jar

This is very strange.  You have mayonnaise in a big jar.  And you must use a knife to pick up the mayonnaise.  This makes no sense.  In Der Switzer we keep Mayonnaise in a, how do you say?  A toothpaste tube.  Then when we want some we just squeeze it out on the bread and replace the top.  Sure there is the occasional mistake with a toothbrush, but we all have learned.

You also do crazy things like keep eggs in the refrigerator.  No wonder you must be having the large refrigerator if you are going to keep the eggs in them.  We keep the eggs in the cabinets like you are supposed to so that we can have refrigerators the size of a large lunchbox.

4.  You like to invade random countries

Oh you crazy Americans.  Always you are invading someone.  Balkans, Vietnam, bay of pork and now this Iraq.  Why do you love to invade people so much?  We do not invade anyone.  We mind our business and count our money.  Although it is good for us that you invade since people who are getting invaded always want to put their money in our banks.  But if you ever tried to invade us, we would be so mad.  We would rain down fondue pots on your head in a torrent of anger.  Our cows would rise up against you, their merrily tinkling bells a sign of terror that would strike you deep in your heart.  Our young maids would use their braids to lash you over and over again.  Yes you would feel our fiery passion.

5.  You have restaurants that are all same. 

 Why do you do this?  Why do you have so many restaurants that are always the same?  Everywhere I go I see the Applebees and the Rubys Tuesday and the Starbucks, always the Starbucks!   Why is this?  Why do you love to always be going to the same restaurant and eating the same food?

In Der Switzer we have no same restaurant.  Every restaurant is different.  In the town I live in we have 3 restaurants.  The Steinhouse is quiet and sells a good wiener schnitzel and fondue.  The Rheinhouse is a lovely place that is very quiet and has an excellent fondue and also sells the wiener schnitzel.  And of course there is my favorite at the Hotel Alpin, which is a nice quiet restaurant that has a lovely battered piece of pork also known as a wiener schnitzel and a very nice heated cheese dip served in a chafing dish.  So you see how nice having the different is?

Yes, you Americans do some things right.  If you did not exist, we would never be able to watch the King of the Queens on the television or those Desperate House womens, and for this we are thankful.  But in many ways you are failing to be great like the Swiss.  I believe that you should lose weight, eat more chocolate, find a mountain to bicycle to the top of and stop eating at the Burger’s King.  Then you will be fit and good like us Swiss

Auf Wiedersehen!