Child abandonment laws have been around for some time. They were initially created so that mothers of a newborn could leave their child at a hospital without facing any legal punishment. The hope was that this would give a safe option to teens who might be panicking over an unwanted baby.
Last month Nebraska became the last state in the nation to develop such a law. There’s just one catch. In all the other states, the law has been narrowly defined to apply only to newborns. Nebraska decided to extend their law to cover any minors. This means that you can drop your 2 year old, 12 year old, or 19 year old off at any local hospital in Nebraska and drive away, scott free.
Obviously, there has been some criticism of this law. Many analysts and child activists suggest that it is one thing to give new mothers who may act in a desperate manner, a safe way out of a difficult situation, it is another thing entirely to allow parents who have become frustrated or tired of their responsibilities the right to pull up the minivan and dump the soccer team out into the emergency room.
But these critics seem to be missing the point. Nebraskans aren’t stupid. They didn’t accidentally write the law to include surly 15 year olds. They were the last state in the country to adopt this law. They had 49 other states to cut and paste from. No, they did this on purpose, and the reason may surprise you.
Tourism.
That’s right, the corn husker state has struggled in recent years to draw tourists to their flat and boring state. Overshadowed by flashy South Dakota to the North and dapper Iowa to the East, plain Jane Nebraska has suffered for years from large swaths of emptiness and, lets be honest, not much to do. Sure they have attractions like carhenge, but how far are you really going to drive to see such a thing?
So a meeting was instituted. They talked about what could be done to draw people to the area lovingly known as East Wyoming. They talked about trying to open up Six Flags over Omaha, but realized that there had only been one flag over Nebraska and only since 1963 for that matter. Then they talked about turning Grand Island, NE into a boating resort, but then realized that Grand Island was actually land locked. And then they stumbled on the idea that could save their state. What is the one thing that makes driving to Nebraska so miserable? (aside from Kansas) - The kids squabbling in the backseat. Then Sen Tom White of Omaha, humbly raised their hand and said:
“What if we could ensure that no child would ever act up while in the state of Nebraska?”
Silence filled the room as everyone took this possibility in. The perfect vacation spot. The place where children would always behave. Who wouldn’t drive 2,000 miles to come there?
Sen. White then laid out his plan for an abandonment law that would include infants through teenagers. Thus allowing parents to hold over their child’s head, this terrifying statement:
“I swear to Pete! If you don’t stop hitting your sister we’re leaving the fish hatchery and I’m dropping you off at the hospital for good! Do you want to grow up in Nebraska? Do you? Do you?!?”
There were general nods of consent around the room. “But what will we do with all these surly teens and naughty kids being dropped off at Nebraska Methodist Hospital Center?”
Hmmm, this could prove to be a problem. But then a voice called out.
“I could always use some help on the farm.”
And so it was decided, Nebraska would institute its child abandonment/tourism law and any abandoned kids would go work on Dicky Freeman’s ranch.
So far, the results have been spectacular. Car after car of silent children has wheeled through downtown Omaha, the fearful eyes of stock still youngsters peering out at what could be their future.
Since the law was instituted only three children have been abandoned. One for hitting his sister one more time and making his father, despite several warnings, pull his car over. The other two were involved in a border dispute over the line in the backseat that they were not allowed to cross. After several hours of negotiation and cross border attacks, the only solution was to give each child 1,000 acres to farm and let them go at it.
“We’ve been very pleased with the response,” said Senator White from his grounded yacht in Grand Island. “Tourism is up 23%, discipline reports in school are down 42% and mail order sales of Nebraska post cards are apparently up 278%, because parents are using them as visual threats. We couldn’t be happier.”
All of this has even led to the adopting of a new License plate slogan:
