Ah, the Piñata.  That staple of children’s birthday parties, Mexican fiestas and endless America’s Funniest Home Videos segments.

How many times have you watched AFV and seen some Dad in a tank top holding a can of Miller Light win $10,000 because he got whacked in the family jewels while his son was swinging for a piñata? 

How about every single episode?

So, with all of this knowledge you would have to wonder why, I, a reasonably smart individual who never wears tank tops and really can’t stand miller light, would be so foolish as to buy a piñata for his child’s birthday?  Well, mainly because I thought the lack of a tank top would inherently save me from embarrassment, but more so because, despite the potential for life altering damage, piñatas are a lot of fun.

I think it’s so cool to walk through the party store and see all of the different piñatas.  Look!  A dump truck piñata!  A Blues Clues piñata!  An Elmo piñata! 

Of course, the reality is that there is something deeply disturbing about asking your kids to take a stick and beat the ever loving candy out of Dora the Explorer (not that I haven’t had that fantasy before).  What exactly are you saying when your child loves a character so much that they want to have a whole party about them and then you ask your child to take a decorative stick and hit that character repeatedly until they rip a hole large enough to eviscerate them of their internal goodies

I believe that, sensing this dilemma, a lot of the piñata makers have moved toward these “pull string piñatas.”   These are designed for younger kids.  Instead of beating Curious George, each kid takes turns reaching up and pulling a string that dangles below him.  Most of the strings break off, but one of them rips open a hole allowing the candy to fall out.

This is a nice idea, except there’s a couple of problems.  The first is that you don’t get to hit anything with a stick, which I believe is the whole point.  The second problem is the placement of these strings.  If you notice, on old Curious George here, the strings all emanate from his tuckus.    This means that the kids all take turns ripping off strings until someone rips a hole in Curious George’s bottom and a hundred or so raisinettes spill out.  I must say, I am not appetized.  On the other hand, it does allow me to say:  Guess what?

Monkey butt.

(Small conversational detour – My mom usually brings the kids Happy Meal toys that she has collected for them.  Well, she brought my three-year-old, Asher, a Batman toy.  Being three, he was unaware who Batman was and apparently misheard Grammy, because he has insisted on calling him Buttman.  “Look Daddy!  Look what Buttman can do!”  It does not help that this particular toy is a car that launches a small black escape pod out of the rear. Nuh na nuh na nuh na nuh na BUTTMAN!)

Anyway.  The other disconcerting thing about these character piñatas is how you hang them in the air.  You can not tell me that this Elmo here doesn’t look like Sherriff Big Bird and Deputy Grover haven’t just put an end to his horse thieving days.

But despite all of this, but I have always thought that piñatas are a blast.  The idea of taking something and beating it with a stick until it explodes into a confetti shower of candy is undeniably awesome.  I can’t tell you how many people I wish I could do that to (kidding!)

That being said, I have never actually seen a piñata work properly.

I have been witness to probably a dozen different piñatas and never once have I seen a kid hit it with a bat and watch it explode into a confetti shower of candy.  Usually a child whacks it until a small hole opens up, a single tootsie roll falls to the ground and 20 six-year-olds pile on, football style, crushing little Tommy on the bottom, forcing the parents to then take the piñata, rip it open by hand and shake the contents out, driving the kids to scramble for the candy and allowing the paramedics to attend to little Tommy.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen that happen. 

The other thing that seems to happen is that somewhere around the 4th kid, someone gives the piñata a good whack and the little hook holding the piñata to the rope rips out and the piñata is sent flying to the ground, still completely intact.  I think this has happened every single time we have had a piñata, and yet, I am still stupid enough to keep buying them.

For Audra’s birthday I had gotten a treasure chest piñata that was the culmination of the treasure hunt.  It was hidden up high in a tree and once the kids discovered it, I lowered it about 20 feet so it was in strikable distance.  Everything worked initially.  We blindfolded the kids and Audra got in a couple of real good hits, that did nothing whatsoever to the piñata.   A couple of other kids beat it mercilessly and ineffectively, and then we had our own AFV moment.  It’s not a $10,000 moment, but it might make one of the montages.

One of the older girls went out with a vengeance.  She swung the bat fiercely mainly creating a nice breeze until she finally connected with the piñata.  It was a good hit.  The piñata swung far out about 8 feet away from her and then, like a boomerang, swung back and conked her in the head.

Kids 0
Pinata 1

The next kid however managed to give it that one inevitable whack that did rip it from its hook causing it to fall to the ground, bounce harmlessly and roll a few feet, dislodging a single sweet tart.  Afraid that this might be the complete contents of the piñata, all the kids pounced like a pack of wild hyenas.  After some considerable effort, we finally beat them back.  (luckily, we had a stick handy).

I then had a choice.  I could hold the piñata in the air while kids swung at it, but not being a complete moron, I opted not to.  I just had the kids line up and let them all take turns beating it on the ground. 

I felt like the poor treasure chest was trying to leave a street gang.

Eventually a large enough hole emerged and I lifted the piñata high in the air and shook it wildly, allowing all of the candy and goodies to cascade out, just as was never intended.  The kids scrambled over the candy stuffing their bags full, knowing this would have to last them until Halloween.

Was it a success?  Welll, yes and no. 

Did the kids like it?  Yes.

Could I have achieved the same thing by putting a cardboard box full of candy on the ground?  Yes.

But there is something inherently fun about the piñata, and I dare say that I will probably get a piñata for future parties.

Why? 

Well, because I keep hoping that one day it will work as beautifully as it always works in my mind.  And because I could really use that $10,000.