October 2008 - Posts

• How Obama Destroyed America

  Last week, James Dobson’s Focus on the Family political action group published: A Letter from 2012 in Obama’s America Please take the time to read it: http://focusfamaction.edgeboss.net/download/focusfamaction/pdfs/10-22-08_2012letter.pdf This is a well thought out; thoroughly researched and completely realistic prediction of what America would look like after 8 years of dictatorial rule by President Hussein Obama.  And let me tell you, my friends, it isn’t pretty. This letter realistically predicts that as a result of old age, illness and general crankiness, 4 of the Supreme Court Justices retire and Obama replaces them all with hippies like his terrorist pal Bill Ayers and the drummer from the Grateful Dead.  There are now 6 liberal activist judges and they rewrite the constitution at every step and probably do inappropriate things in the cloakroom. As a result of the new 6 liberal Justices and Obama’s raging liberalness our country has a number of terrible liberal things happen to it.  Dobson’s letter makes all of the following predictions: • The court forces everyone to like the gays.  Gayness is taught in school and people who don’t accept this are forced out.  All Christian teachers and students leave the schools rather than have the gayness forced upon them.  The boy scouts disband, Christian bookstores are shuttered, and talk radio ceases to exist.   Rush Limbaugh is found begging for cheeseburgers along the Santa Monica freeway and nobody ever learns how to tie a knot again.  • Organizations who don’t agree to hire or help gays all go out of business.  Christian doctors all resign rather than inseminate gays, all Christian schools close down and are turned into strip clubs.  Christian adoption agencies are closed, Christian social workers all resign and all the churches are forced to hire gays as youth workers.  No Gay fearing Christians can get jobs anywhere.  They are all poor and sad. • Our military is now too gay to fight any wars and Obama doesn’t like to fight, so the commies take over everything, then terrorists take over everything the commies didn’t take over and Israel surrenders to Palestine.  The terrorists attack us a lot and President Obama just shakes his head helplessly.  • Obama enacts socialized medicine even though he said he wouldn’t and nobody can get health care any more even though everyone can.  It’s so crazy!  Everybody dies. • Obama lies again about taxes and ends up taxing everyone and takes all the money the plumbers make and gives it to shiftless poor people.  These are just a few of the predictions that James Dobson tells us about through his visions.  (Honest to Pete, read the thing!)   And I have to tell you it makes me so mad to read something like this.  You know why?  Because he is wrong.  Dobson misses the mark by a long shot.  Doesn’t he understand the reality of the situation? With Obama as our president, things will clearly be SO much worse than Jimmy D’s predictions.  Here are a few of my further predictions of what will happen in an Obama presidency. • He’s lied about everything else, so it’s pretty safe to assume that he really IS a secret Muslim.  In the Pledge of Allegiance, “under God” is changed to “Under Allah” and the Christians finally get their wish that prayer be taught in school, but NO!  The prayer is now Muslim prayer and all the kindergarteners are forced to use their plastic nap mats as prayer mats and pray to the East 5 times a day!  All this praying combined with all the mandated testing means that no one learns anything ever again in school and all our kids are left behind. • Oprah becomes secretary of State and Dr. Phil is appointed Ambassador to the UN.  Everyone in the whole world now hates us and our tough love. • Since Obama’s secret wish is to take away all of our guns, and he now controls the liberal supreme court through a secret Muslim mind meld technique, everyone is forced to give up their hand guns, assault weapons and all other firearms whose sole purpose is to kill people.  Seeing an opportunity, Montana, and North Dakota are invaded by Canada.  No one notices. • The Cubs somehow win the World Series for 8 years straight.  But everyone is too afraid to say anything about it. • After gayness is made legal, sociologists become concerned about the number of the gays.  10% of the population is supposed to be gay.  10%!  But it turns out that only 4% of the population is gay.  So Obama conducts a lottery and forces an additional 6% of the country to become gay.  As an added insult he uses the Gay Reorientation centers in reverse and forces them to reorient heterosexuals to become gays. • After gays are allowed to serve openly in the military our military becomes wildly ineffective and we keep losing wars against places like Lichtenstein because the soldiers don’t want to do anything except knit and watch Project Runway. • Our economy collapses, our deficit doubles, our banks go out of business, the jobless rate sores, the stock market is in free fall, government is expanded, there are hundreds of billions in new spending, and hardworking Americans everywhere lose their jobs and our country is reduced to nothing but…. Oh wait, that happened under Bush.  My bad. • Obama continues the same unfair tax system that Bush, Clinton, Reagan and every other president of the last 100 years used where the wealthy pay a higher tax rate.  Wealth is redistributed. • Michelle Obama becomes very angry grows an afro, and plays Nina Simone albums way too loud in the East Wing, causing the DAR to issue a formal complaint. These are just a few of the horrible horrible things that are almost certain to happen under an Obama presidency.  Please join me and James Dobson in fighting this menace.  Palin / Hilton in 2012! Posted Oct 31 2008, 06:31 AM by superdad with no comments Filed under: Politics, Better off Dad [Edit Tags]

• The Love Child of Kristi Yamaguchi and Donald Duck

  Because we’re good parents last night we took the kids to see Disney on Ice…. Well, because we’re good parents and because Wed tickets are only $10.  We’re definitely not good enough parents to pay $20. We followed one of our family’s time honored rules and didn’t tell the kids where we were going.  I have found that there is little to be gained by telling your kids about the exciting things they are about to do, because if something happens at the last minute and you can’t go, the kids are devastated.  But if you tell the kids to hurry up and get in the car and then take them to see Mickey Mouse doing double axels, instead of, say, the dentist, they’re thrilled. So, how to describe an evening of people in giant animal costumes skating?  Well, it was entertaining, I guess.  In a people in giant animal costumes sort of way. Disney is a master of trying to appeal to all ages, so this show had 5 parts:  Mickey and Friends, Cars, The Lion King, The Little Mermaid, and Faeries.  Literally something for everyone, well, everyone under age 8. Our 6 year old Audra loved it.  She got so excited when each new character showed up.  She pointed and stared wide eyed when Tinkerbell flew in and clapped when Donald told her to.  Our three year old, Asher, also liked it, but not significantly more than say a rerun of Bob the Builder.  Sure there were people sliding around the ice dressed as lions, but did any of them build an observatory for the new park? Here are a few other observations from this night of glamour, spectacle and triple lutzes. • Some characters can skate a little easier than others.  The Little Mermaid’s unencumbered legs managed to do a lot more than Donald Duck, who had the challenge of having to skate with a giant beach ball for a body. • Seeing the different cars characters was a lot of fun and the cheers going up from the kids seem to indicate this was a favorite.  The great irony of course is that the cars were not wearing ice skates, they were just cars, you know….driving.  The same show could have been done in a Wal-mart parking lot.  Honestly though, the cars looked a lot more like their cartoon doppelgangers than, say, Ursula the sea witch, who  looked a lot like someone wearing a purple inflatable sumo suit, because, well, I’m pretty sure that’s what it was. • For each of the movies they did sort of an abbreviated 15 minute synopsis of the film.  This meant that the Little Mermaid was boiled down to an “under the sea” routine, falling in love, and then defeating the sea witch by kissing the overly coiffed prince.  All good fun.  Cut out the boring stuff and let’s hit the highlights.  Ok.  So lets think for a minute.  If you had to do a similarly abbreviated version of the Lion King, what would you cut out?  You know, what minor tidbit I might cut out of that 90 minute movie:  the death scene.  Yeah, yeah, I know, the purists are horrified, but if you have to take some artistic license with a movie to abbreviate it down to the highlights, I just might cut the scene where the main character’s father is murdered and left for dead in the middle of the ice in front of 5,000 four-year-olds.  That’s just me though.  To each his own • So, we were going to get some cotton candy.  We normally try not to buy a lot of junk at these events, because you only have so much need for a plastic lighted sword once you leave the arena, but cotton candy seemed like fun, and it came with a foam hat shaped like a flower (why is not abundantly clear).  However, I only had $7.00 on me and as we all know, the going rate for cotton candy with a foam hat is $10 • Alissa Czinny, the US 2007 Figure Skating Bronze Medalist is not in the show.  Neither is the 4th, 8th  or 12th place finishers.  The skating in this production is perfectly fine and I give high marks to anyone who can skate on all fours while dressed as a warthog, but I have to admit that the whole time I was watching, I kept hearing Scott Hamilton in the back of my head.  “Ok, this is where Simba is going to attempt a triple lutz, triple toe loop combination!   Here it comes!  Oh, and he doubled it!  That’s disappointing Bob.   He has almost no chance of retaking the title from Goofy now.” • It was nice to see how lame the Broadway version of the Lion King could have been.  For those of you who haven’t seen that production, it uses exotic puppets, African masks and people on stilts as giraffes.  The ice version was more like people in lion colored leotards with lots of fake fur.  It looked like they had all gotten their costumes at the Card and Party Outlet a couple of hours before the show • There is something very surreal about seeing a lion grab another lion by the heels and swing her around and around in what I believe is called the death spiral (really now.  Does the lion king need 2 deaths?) • The Fairies thing was interesting.  It was all about Tinkerbell and how she came to this creatively named place called Fairy Hollow and made friends and enemies and both ruined everything and saved the day, all in about 20 minutes.  Her enemy was sort of this Amy Winehouse Fairy with big hair, a bad attitude and track marks. They production made good use of their one special effect which involved strapping fairies to a suspended meat hook and dragging them along a rail over the ice.  It looked a lot like flying to all the blind attendees and the kids all thought it was pretty cool.  I’m afraid that those of us with a y chromosome and an age with two digits were a little on the bored side, though.  I kept hoping for Captain Hook to pop out and make things interesting.  Where’s a good fairy massacre when you need one? • The 40 something lady who sat behind us and who appeared to have come to the show by herself disturbed me…. On so many levels. All in all, it was a fun night and definitely worth the $10 we spent.  Would it be worth $15?  I’m not so sure, but for $10, absolutely.  Alexander Hamilton has never made kids so happy.   That being said, I would absolutely pay 10 disney dollars to see Treasury Secretaries on Ice, but that’s probably just me.  Come on Henry Paulson, show us a double salchow. Ok, that’s random enough.  I’m done. Posted Oct 30 2008, 09:14 AM by superdad with no comments Filed under: Audra, Asher, Better off Dad, field trip [Edit Tags]

• The Power of a Pumpkin

  It’s been a hard couple of weeks around the household here.  As you may recall we have three teenagers living in our basement.  They’re former students of mine from when I taught in Mississippi.  They’re good kids, but did I mention that they are teenagers? The last week or so have not been real great as far as the whole “raising teenagers” dynamic is going.  If you have teenagers, or perhaps were one yourself, you may know that getting out of bed on time is not a real priority.  This is particularly frustrating if you happen to be an adult trying to coordinate the travel schedules of 8 different family members.  Coming upstairs for dinner when called is also not an easy task for your average teenager.  There is apparently a lot of time needed to stand up and walk.  Accomplishing chores without being reminded is also a near impossibility.  I believe they like the recurring strains of an adult voice too much to miss out on constant reminders. And of course, somehow resisting the temptation to order pay per view movies and engage in 3 way calling is not part of a 19 year old’s genetic makeup.  Add in the fact that a couple of college courses were failed after one of them stopped going to class for a few weeks, and it’s time to order some blood pressure supplements. So, honestly, I’ve been pretty frustrated lately.  I’ve been going around gritting my teeth and slamming doors, usually following interchanges like this: “Are y’all ready to go?” (Peer down into pitch black basement at 10 a.m. where all movement seems to have ceased) “uh….nah.” SLAM!  Walk away and search for Tylenol. Yes, there was a week or so there where I couldn’t quite remember why we were doing this.  It seemed rather stupid of us.  Luckily we had a couple of friends ready to tell us that, while they hadn’t told us so, they had always thought that. Thank you.  Very helpful. But in the midst of this, something magical happened.  Our family went out on to the porch to carve pumpkins on Sunday and my wife asked whether I thought we should ask the Mississippi teens (or the Delta Squadron as they’ve come to be known) whether they would like to join us. This seemed unlikely, what with the unfettered access to BET and all. But I thought I’d give it a try, so I went down and said, “We’re going to carve pumpkins upstairs if any of you want to join us.” There was a moment of exchanged glances amongst them, a secret Mississippi code of sorts.  And then to my pleasant surprise, they all said “ok” and appeared upstairs a few minutes later.  I have to tell you, carving those silly pumpkins was the most fun we’ve had in a very long time. We all got down on our hands and knees and scooped pumpkin innards out into a bowl, separating the seeds from the chaff.  Then everyone took time designing their pumpkin.  None of the Delta Squad (DS) had ever carved pumpkins before and they really got into it.  They all looked up inspiration on the web and spent an hour or so meticulously carving their designs.  Our kids were excited to see the designs they had drawn on paper come to life on their pumpkins and we were all anticipating the pumpkin seeds roasting in the oven. Well maybe not all of us, the DS thought that whole “eating pumpkin seeds thing” was pretty crazy, but were pleasantly surprised when I forced them to try them later. It was one of those Norman Rockwell family moments (if Rockwell had painted a lot of alternative families).  The older kids helped the younger kids with their pumpkins.  We all oohed and ahhed when each pumpkin was lit with a candle.  We laughed at each others designs and marveled at each others talent.  It was a crisp fall day and every smell, sensation and perfect picture postcard moment was captured in each of our memories.  And on our Sony HDD video camcorder with 12x zoom. I tell the DS all the time that while they are here, they are part of our family – both the good and the bad of that, but it doesn’t always feel that way.  On Sunday it felt like we WERE all a family.  A big, crazy, Maryland, Mississippi pumkin carving family. What could be better than that? Posted Oct 29 2008, 05:03 AM by superdad with 1 comment(s) Filed under: Audra, Asher, Better off Dad, Mississippi, Delta Squadron, Halloween [Edit Tags]

• Potty Training for the Circus

  As you may recall, we’ve had some setbacks trying to potty train our 3 year old Asher.  He got emotionally scarred by one of those automatic flushing toilets at the mall, which, I am pretty sure, he thought was going to suck him into the Chesapeake, tuckus first. Since then he has been very reluctant to sit on any toilets anywhere except for his one “safe” toilet at home.  Unfortunately, he is very protective of this toilet as is evidenced by the fact that he was yelling at his sister yesterday to “get off my toilet.” If only we had moved into a house where everyone could have their own potty.  What was I thinking? Anyway, my wife made some progress with him this weekend.  On Sunday he came downstairs, inexplicably wearing underwear, proclaiming that he was now potty trained. If only we could speak things into being. “I have the body of Brad Pitt!” ……..hmm, sunken chest still present, arms still thin and birdlike, six pack abs still just a single 2 liter, nope, doesn’t work. We had bought Asher some underwear about a year ago when things were looking more promising, but since then, the undies have lain dormant in the top drawer of his dresser.  Well, recently he has taken to getting up during his naps and exploring his room.  He clearly found the underoos and decided that he was done with the diaper. Super! So Sarah had a nice long talk with him about going pee pee on the potty etc. etc. and decided to give it a try.  At first he went potty very well, but then about an hour later when we asked him to try again, he refused and there ensued a short battle of wills to get him up on a toilet again.  Eventually he gave in and successfully made another liquid deposit. But half an hour after that, he peed in his pants.   We picked up on this as he was walking bow legged through the living room with a giant stain down his leg. A couple of hours later it happened again.  Some would say this was a mixed success, I would say that we probably just got lucky once. Anyway, we put him to bed in his diaper, more or less assuming that the day had been a bust. I figured that the next morning I would just put him in a diaper again and we would wait to try again.  Well, to my surprise he came downstairs the next morning in underwear, all ready to try again.  Ok. I thought this was a really good sign, but then I got suspicious.    Very suspicious. I went up to his room and my suspicions were proven to be, unfortunately, accurate.  Apparently, after Sarah had put him to bed the night before he got up, took his diaper off, put some underwear on, got back into bed, peed all over himself, his pillow, his mattress and his blanket and then got up, and put on a pair of fresh clean underwear in the morning, (they’ll never know) throwing his soiled skivvies willy nilly around his carpeted room. Oh, joy. At this point, I said screw it, and put him in a diaper.  Later that day he was still refusing to even sit on any foreign “unsafe” toilets while we were out shopping and I was wondering if there would ever come a time when my little boy would not need to strap a pack of gel beads to his bottom to soak up his urine.  Perhaps in his teens. I’m not even sure if this next part is related at all to what I’ve been talking about, but somehow in my head, it all makes sense. Later in the day, I was cleaning my room and the kids were all up there rolling around on the carpet being silly.  I asked Asher if he needed to go potty, he said yes, so I sent him off.  He comes back a few minutes later buck naked from the waist down.  “Go get a diaper,” I tell him, but he just runs off to the other side of the room and begins to roll around in his nakedness. I wish I could tell you that this was unusual. I basically just took a deep breath and decided to deal with his little nudey booty after I got the laundry picked up. “Daddy!”  Audra yells, while ensconced in giggles, “Asher’s playing with his penis!” I look over and, sure enough, Asher is jumping up and down, singing and giving himself a series of good yanks. “Asher, stop it,”  I said, although clearly with not enough severity in my voice, because instead of becoming chastened, he seemed to sense an opportunity to entertain. That’s the problem with this kid.  He’s the child that makes you laugh while you’re trying to discipline him.  I’m usually pretty good about that kind of thing, but every once in a while he gets this goofy gleam in his eye and it becomes really difficult to keep a straight face. So, Asher does not, in fact, decide to “stop,” as directed.  Instead, he takes both hands and begins bouncing up and down and essentially, well, um…. juggling himself, all the while singing “bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy.” I want you to know, for the record,  that I tried very, very hard to be stern, but somewhere in the midst of saying:  “Asher you need to stop grabbing….”  I lost it.  Just flat out lost it.  I burst into laughter that just seemed to escalate.   I literally couldn’t regain control.  All the while Asher starts singing louder “BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY!” and gleefully juggling himself harder and harder till I started to worry about my future grandchildren. It is here that my daughter, who had been laughing along with me at this wildly inappropriate situation, decided that her brother was getting a little too much attention and that she too wanted to get some of these laughs for herself. Yep, you guessed it. So, she proceeds to pull her pants down, jump around, singing “bouncy bouncy” all the while tugging on imaginary testicles. “That’s it!”  I was finally able to shout.  I can be overcome by the crazy sometimes, but I also know when that line has been crossed.  And boy oh boy had it been crossed. I regained control of everyone in my bedroom, except for my one-year-old Micah who had his head planted on the ground and was crawling in circles around it, and within minutes, all of my children were dressed, privates covered, hands out in the open.  I really don’t know what lessons to draw from all of this, except that. 1.  Little boys are weird. 2.  Little girls are not as weird, but sometimes wish they were. 3.  If you don’t immediately put a diaper on your kid, peeing on the carpet is not the worst thing that could happen.  A future career as an inappropriate clown in some tacky Vegas show is. PS.  The coda to this story is that while I was writing this, Audra marched into inform me that “Asher was upstairs, naked, holding a diaper in his hand.  I reluctantly climbed the stairs only to discover that Asher had, again, exchanged his diaper in the middle of the night and peed all over creation.  The Midnight Commando had struck again. Posted Oct 28 2008, 06:13 AM by superdad with no comments Filed under: Asher, potty training, Better off Dad [Edit Tags]

• Joe the Plutocrat

  I’ll admit it.  I didn’t see any of this coming. When I was watching that last presidential debate and McCain started talking about Joe the Plumber, I just rolled my eyes.  Honestly, I was kind of sick of these “I met a real person once” stories that keep popping up in the debates.  “Hey, I’m a Senator, but once upon a time I met a guy who worked at McDonalds, and you’ll never believe this, but he doesn’t have health insurance and his life sucks.” Thank you Studs Terkel. As soon as all this Joe the Plumber nonsense started, all I could think was “here we go again, we’re going to have to have a ‘good-ol-boy-off.’  McCain’s going to throw a pair of plumbers on the table and Obama’s going to have to counter with two electricians, a factory worker and a pair of home health aides.  But, no.  Joe the plumber came up again and again and again.  In fact, McCain mentioned him 21 times in the debate and Obama referenced him at least half a dozen.  No one talked about nuclear proliferation, immigration, our surprisingly new BFF status with North Korea, or our crumbling infrastructure, but some guy who roto rooters your commode?  Half the debate. I remember sitting after the debate listening to Tom “marbles mouth” Brokaw talking about how “Joe the Plumber won the debate” and thinking two things.  One – that every reporter in America was trying to find Joe and that this poor guy was about to get 500 phone calls and wake up to a pack of satellite trucks on his lawn.  And Two – that I couldn’t wait until this asinine story ran its length and died in a couple of days. Boy was I wrong. Of all the wacky, unimportant, misleading stories of the campaign:  Bill Ayers, Rev. Wright, the Keating 5, McCains’ alleged affair, Bristol’s pregnancy, Acorn, flag pins, and on and on, how has the plumber thing been the story with legs?  The McCain campaign brings him up at every single rally.  And they even expanded it to Bob the teacher and Fred the UPS driver and Ingrid the exotic dancer. How has this guy become the Republican rallying cry? I’ve got a number of problems with all of this.  The first problem is that the phrase “Joe the plumber” annoys the crap out of me.  Somehow soccer moms, Nascar Dads, and Joe Six Pack have become part of our national voting consciousness, and it just seems really goofy.  (Especially Joe Six Pack.  Since when did alcoholics become a demographic we were all trying to woo?  Or have I misunderstood and we’re really talking about guys who have good abs.  I would much rather have our national candidates trying to go after that Joe Six Pack.   Then they could also go after Robert the Really Ripped and Susie Good Gams.) But most of all, I resent the disingenuousness of it all.  Clearly the ploy is this:  Joe is a plumber, thus, he’s a blue collar working class good old guy, and he’s going to vote for McCain because Obama said that he was going to raise his taxes.  Thus, Obama is going to raise taxes on all blue collar working class good old guys. This is of course absolutely, categorically false.  Otherwise known as a lie. Obama is only raising taxes (from 36% - 39%) on people who earn more than $250,000 a year.  This includes virtually no plumbers.  I know we all joke about how much plumbers charge (hardy har har) but none of them make a quarter of a million dollars.  Most doctors and lawyers don’t make that.  In fact, good old Joe Wurzelbacher only made about $40,000 last year (enough to qualify for an additional $1,000 tax cut under Obama, which by the by he’s going to need since he owes $1,200 in back taxes.  No wonder he’s worried about whether his taxes are going to get raised, he really really doesn’t like paying them)   And even if Joe did own his company that made about $280,000 last year, unless all of his employees were volunteers, he would be taking home a lot less than $250,000 after he paid them and he still wouldn’t have to pay higher taxes. It is ridiculous to assert that Joe the Plumber or his buddy Paul the Pest Control Guy would do better under John McCain.  It bugs me that the McCain camp continues to distort all of this to make it seem like Obama is taxing people making $40,000.  (to be fair it also bugs me that Obama is mis-representing McCains health plan as a tax increase, when all experts agree it would be a net gain for most people – McCain’s health plan is ineffective enough without distorting it). The reason it bugs me is that there is a very genuine and sincere difference in tax policy between the two candidates.  McCain believes that the best way to help the economy is to offer more tax breaks to the wealthy, since they are the ones who are most likely to create jobs through the businesses they own.  The way to limit the deficit growth is through capping all spending except entitlements (because you can’t) and military.  This is a legitimate economic theory.  I don’t think there’s much proof that it actually works all that well (see the last 8 years as an example), but it is a view held by a number of smart people. This obviously differs from the Obama belief which is that the middle class is the engine of the country and could therefore use a tax break in difficult times.  Also, while spending cuts are needed, in the long run, our country will benefit greatly from reformed health care policy, greater access to college, fixing our infrastructure, increasing funding for our schools and moving away from an oil based economy.  These things require funding.  And the only way to get more funding is to increase the national debt or increase tax revenue.  After 8 years of rampant, irresponsible deficit spending we cannot afford to increase our debt more, so the only solution is higher taxes, but on who?  I personally think that a marginal (3%) tax increase on those who make over $250,000 who had their taxes drastically cut under Bush, is a perfectly reasonable, appropriate and fiscally sound thing to do. These are two well reasoned but wildly different economic policies.  Why can’t we argue them for what they are?  There is no question that the McCain camp is aggressively and falsely trying to communicate that regular Joes (plumbers, six packs, or otherwise) would have their taxes raised under Obama.  Why can’t he just argue his own plan?  Why does he need to lie about Obama’s?  Is it because he realizes that while his plan greatly helps the wealthy, it does nothing to help the poor and middle class?  Does he fear that if his middle class supporters truly understood his policy that they would realize that it was not in their best interest? The last thing I want to gripe about (and I promise tomorrow I’ll write about poop or a funny thing my kid said or something) is this whole “spreading the wealth around” nonsense.  What does that mean?  If it means taxing the wealthy at a higher rate than the poor, then do you think McCain realizes that this is, and has been, the entire basis of our progressive tax code for most of the last century? I also wonder, do all of those people waving signs at McCain rallies that say “I’m Joe the Plumber” realize that they would be the ones that this “wealth” would be “spread to?” I absolutely believe that those people who make over $250,000 a year should have to pay a larger portion of their earnings to the government.  The government does a lot of wonderful things for our country (driven on any roads lately?) and taking an extra $10,000 from someone who makes $600,000 is a lot more fair (in my crazy, liberal, what Jesus would do) mind than taking an extra $1,000 from someone who makes $20,000. Again, it’s a fair difference of opinion.  Why can’t we discuss it honestly?  Why must we couch it in the belief that Obama will take your money and use it to buy tofu, gun locks, and RU486? It bothers me, because I don’t like to see people being duped.  When a trucker says “I don’t want Obama to take my money and give it to someone else.”  He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  Among other things, he doesn’t realize that he would be on the receiving end, instead of the giving end.  This bugs me. If the trucker said, “I don’t believe it is fair to tax the wealthy more than the poor and I am personally willing to pay higher taxes to ensure an equitable tax system,” then that’s a legitimate policy difference, because let me tell ya, taxes have to be raised somewhere. We are 10 trillion dollars in debt and somebody needs to pay for that.  And there’s not enough bridges to nowhere or Cincinnatti (same diff) in the national budget that can be cut to make up the difference. At some point, some generation will have to start paying off the government credit card debt of the last 50 years.  Chances are it will have to be a Democrat who does it since Republicans never want to raise taxes and always add to the deficit.  (Again, the last 8 years, or heck, 30)  So who’s going to pay for the spending of the past?  Joe the Plumber or Joe the Plutocrat?  Or, if we’re not careful, all of us Joes.  And we’ll pay with more than taxes.  We’ll pay with our children’s future. Damn, that seems ominous. So let me leave you with something happier as a reward for reading through my 3 page diatribe on tax policy. Yesterday I was stuck in traffic in Virginia (you’ll be happy to know I didn’t call 911) and I was behind a woman whose license plate read: GETCRPN Now, I thought about this for a long time and could only come up with one reasonable possibility.  As I got closer to her van, I noted that she had a small sticker advertising her scrapbooking business. Now here’s my advice to all of you scrapbooking entrepeneuers out there.  The S is very important on your license plate.  Any of these would be fine alternatives: GETSCRP GTSCRPN SCRPBKN GTSKPBN But if your license plate says “GETCRPN” you just told America to GET CRAPPIN! And, during a political season, we don’t need any more of that then we’ve already got. Posted Oct 27 2008, 06:41 AM by superdad with 6 comment(s) Filed under: Politics, Better off Dad [Edit Tags]

• Watch Out Annapolis Mall! You’re on My List

  I think stores underestimate the desperation of parents with young children.  Forget the housewives, it’s the parents of a toddler that are truly on the edge.  And what are we so desperate for?  Usually a reason to get out of the house. I have a need, dare I say, a compulsion, to get out of the house each day.  Otherwise these four walls filled with laundry in need of washing, rooms that need painting and a refrigerator calling out to be cleaned can become just a little overwhelming.  And it is at this point that I need to escape to somewhere that is already clean, already nicely decorated and, God willing, has a cup of coffee available. Any sane parent of a toddler can rattle off a short list of places where they can take their child to play while they sit down, sip some coffee, and try to relax for a few moments. One of my favorites was the local Barnes and Noble bookstore.  They had a train table for the kids to play on and an endless supply of books.  It was great.  I would buy some coffee, sit down while the kids played with the trains and then invariably, out of guilt, I would buy them a book on the way out.  Why?  Because books are inherently good and it felt like an even trade – a little sanity for a small purchase. Sure, there was a downside.  In addition to playing with the trains, most kids like to spend time pulling all the books off the shelf.  This means that I spent a fair amount of time restocking the shelves when it was time to go, but I didn’t mind.  I got 30 minutes of peace. Well, apparently the train table got broken and B&N decided not to replace it.  This meant that my kids now spend the entire time pulling books off the shelves and I spent the entire time restocking.  This is not fun.  In fact, I left without purchasing anything and haven’t been back in months.  Call me bitter.  I’m clinging to my religion and lattes. Another favorite place is the mall.  The Annapolis mall has a very nice (although small) play area.  They recently did a major addition to the mall and there was a group of us parents that would fnatasze in whispers about the massive new play area they were almost certainly building in the new expanses of the mall.  They did not.  They just sort of replaced the existing one.  We all went through mourning for a while.  Dreaming of that expanded fancy playland that would never be (Harrisburg has a big fancy playground….. Harrisburg!) But the one they have is nice enough.  And if you go at the right time of day, it’s not too crowded with giant children trying to basejump off the top of the kangaroo onto your 1-year-old.  The mall is also nice because they have these little car/stroller things that you can rent for free.  Now I have a stroller, but the kids love these things.  They sit and turn the steering wheel and pretend to aim the cart at little old ladies or whatever.  There have been many a day where we would go to the mall get a stroller and just wander around, the kids steering, me ogling the sleek sexy items for sale at…. Williams Sonoma and generally attempting to regain some sanity. Well, I showed up yesterday and their 20 or so strollers were gone.   In its place was a series of similar, red race car carts attached to a bar, sort of like luggage carts at the airport.  These strollers were not free though, they were $5.00. $5.00?!?  Judas!  This isn’t Disney World.  I didn’t have to fly here.  I’m not expecting to be here from sunup to sundown.  Who the heck is paying $5.00 for a stroller rental at the mall?  I’ll tell you who.  The very rich, or the very stupid. It’s nice to see, in these difficult economic times, how willing retailers are to give us the shaft. Ok, looking back on this blog so far, I have realized that this may be the most boring most whiny entry ever (well, actually someone told me that my entry on the budget deficit may be the most boring – hard to argue with that) but this does really bug me.  I don’t think stores realize how important these little extras are to your average parent, or how much it can drive business.  If you don’t have kids, this probably seems silly, but I was out with some friends a couple of days ago and I slapped my hand on the table and said: “You’re never going to believe it.  I was at the mall today and they have gotten rid of all of those free car strollers” Gasps all the way around the table “AND… instead they have replaced them with these carts that you have to pay $5.00 for!” Another round of gasps. Then there erupted (an admittedly boring) 5 minute conversation about this injustice. “So there aren’t any cars with two seats anymore?” “What about the ones that had the baby carrier?” “Why would they do that?” “This is how the terrorists are winning!” A somewhat snarkier friend of mine went by the booth where they used to distribute the carts and asked what had happened to them.  He was told they were gone.  He then asked if they still rented out wheelchairs and scooters for free.  The lady admitted that they did.  He walked away and said: “Well, I guess I’ll have to hope my kids break their legs.” We are a bitter little group, us parents.  I know it’s not a big deal to anyone looking in from the non-parent side of the fence, but in some ways the world of a parent of toddlers is relatively small.  There are only so many places you can go that are safe, free, and entertaining for your child.  And when one of those places disappears, we take it sort of personally.  I think that, to many parents, it feels like their difficult job just got a little harder, all in the name of a multi-million dollar business saving a buck. And while I haven’t personally seen any studies on this, I can guarantee you that there are many times when I have driven out of my way to go to a store or mall that has a play area or free strollers, or train table, or free cookie for kids or something.  Again, our world is small.  It doesn’t take much to attract us.  And it doesn’t take much to alienate us.  (you only have to change your child on the floor of a bathroom once before you decide to cross a restaurant off your list). So watch out business community, we parents are busy, sleep deprived and probably wearing a little bit of breakfast on our shirts.  Don’t make us angry.  We haven’t got much to lose. Posted Oct 24 2008, 05:11 AM by superdad with 1 comment(s) Filed under: Better off Dad, parenting [Edit Tags]

• The First Thing We Do, Let’s Kill All the Pollsters

  When I turn my computer on, the first web page that comes up is the MSN homepage.  I don’t know that I actually ever chose this site, it’s just what was there.  But it’s got a good mix of news, entertainment, and random stories.  I check it several times a day because it changes and is updated and is a good way to check and see if anything crazy has happened since lunchtime.  Yesterday, first thing in the morning I fired it up and found this story: Obama Widens Lead.    http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/10/22/1578991.aspx It begins with this line.  “With 13 days to go, Obama has opened up his biggest lead over McCain in the NBC/WSJ poll, 52%-42%.” Wow!  That is huge.  A 10 point lead is a huge number with only a week and a half to go in this marathon.  It’s hard to imagine how John McCain could possibly close that gap in such a short period of time. Or is it? At 3:00, on the same day, on the same website, I checked the updated headlines and saw this: Candidates Running Nearly Even http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27324419 It found that Obama was at 44% and McCain was at 43% with a margin of error of 3.5% which means Obama could be ahead by 8 or McCain could be ahead by 6. So, what have we learned here?  I’m going to have to go with “not a hell of a lot.” Either the electorate is wildly neurotic, with an inability to make up their mind for more than a few seconds at a time or the pollsters are incompetent fools who’s college GPA’s weren’t good enough to get real math jobs. Honestly, I’d believe either. But the more likely scenario is that at least some of the polling is wildly inaccurate.  Otherwise we would have to believe that 8% of the population went from supporting Obama to undecided in the matter of, at most, a few days, and, at worst, a few hours. It all comes down to the sample of people they call.  These things only work, if the “representative sample of people” that they call is really a sample that accurately represents the people.  Each of these polls had a sample size of about 1,000 people.  That may seem like a lot, but it’s really only .0003% of our population.  I don’t know how good your math is (mine sucks) but that’s a really, really tiny number.  It would be like going into a town of 10,000 people and asking 3 of them who they were going to vote for for Mayor and assuming that their opinions accurately reflect that of the whole community. Sure, pollsters make some effort to make sure their sample is random and representative and blah blah blah, but come on, clearly someone is doing a lousy job. It’s like their polling sample was all 3 year olds.  I know with my three year old, you can start off Monday morning with him dancing around the kitchen, excited over the fact that he’s going to have cereal.  And on Tuesday, when you put the same bowl of cereal on the table in front of him, he’s crying and saying “I hate cereal.” If there were two separate polls of toddlers asking about presidents and cereal preferences, I would find these results completely plausible.  But as far as polling adults goes, the only poll I would believe nowadays is one that says “84% of Americans put way too much emphasis on polls.”  Well, at least for today.  Posted Oct 23 2008, 04:54 AM by superdad with no comments Filed under: Politics, Better off Dad [Edit Tags]

• The Sun Sets on Knight Industries

  Last week I did something that I knew I shouldn’t have done.  I watched the new Knight Rider. I know, I know, what was I thinking? As a kid, I loved Knight Rider.  I mean how could you not?  It was a car that talked and could drive by itself and do thermo-imaging of a nearby office building. You’ve got to remember.  This show was on from 1982-1986.  No one had computers in their house.  Computers were still housed in giant Pepsi machines.  Cars couldn’t talk.   They didn’t even have air bags.  At the time, I was riding around in a Dodge Daytona with an 8 track player in it that we had spent big bucks and bought a cassette adapter for.  (We were sort of bourgeois that way).  And Michael Knight had a car with a blinking light that talked to him and gave him relationship advice.  Our car had a blinking light, but all it said was “check engine.” So, for a nine year old, in the early eighties, this was pretty awesome stuff.  Am I so wrong to think that reliving these moments of childhood glee might be immensely enjoyable? Apparently so. The reviews of Knight Rider have been pretty universally bad.  A fairly typical review called the show “a shockingly incompetent, barely coherent, ad-driven rip-off.” That seems about right. So why did I watch it?  Well, I guess I thought that maybe every critic in America was wrong  -  that maybe they had misunderstood the cheesy goodness that made the original so much fun. They had not. I watched the show and was immediately struck by how stupid it was.  The actors were pretty, in a wax model kind of way, but it was unlikely that any of them were selected for the show based on their recent performance in a Shakespeare in the Park performance.  Mainly because most of them didn’t look like they really cared for Shakepeare….. or parks.  (grass is so, like, uh,  icky.  Y’know?) And the car.  Oh my beloved KITT, what hath they done to you?  I expected them to update the car some, but I kind of thought they might update it by using a Ferrari and putting in a minibar.  But no, they used a goofy, boxy looking car that really doesn’t do much to evoke the sleek cyclops light of the original.  It looks like someone loaned a mustang to a street racing body shop and said “put everything on it you’ve got.” Why did they do this?  Well, because Ford apparently paid them a lot of money.  I know that in an era where tons of cars have GPS systems that talk to you and that fancy Lexus can even parallel park itself, they had to do something to update KITT.  So they chose to make KITT a transformer.  It can change into a Ford Truck, or a Ford submarine or a Ford choo choo train or whatever it needs to.  How….bizarre. Besides the fact that this seems a bit silly (I think we all know that the only way such a thing could ever happen was if KITT was really an alien life form from the planet of Cybertron), it’s just not cool.  If the car can do anything, then where’s the drama?  Part of what made the original exciting was that the 1982 KITT looked like he could be taken out if he went too long in between oil changes.  Where’s the excitement if he can just change into an oil derrick and drill baby drill for his oil? So, I should have known better.  You can’t relive your childhood.  The new Star Wars movies are lame.  Indiana Jones should have stayed away from skulls, crystal or otherwise, and Back to the Future is better off left Back in the Past. I know all this and yet I still can’t help feeling some disappointment.  But it’s not the first time. When I was 10 or so, we went to some theme park where they had KITT sitting in a special roped off area in the middle of a lake.  (Don’t ask).  You could wait in a line to sit in the driver’s seat and Kitt would talk to you. It would be hard to explain how excited I was. When I sat down, I cautiously said “hello?” looking down at the blinking red light on the dash.  And then, just like Michael Knigh,t I heard a voice speak back to me.   KITT, much to my surprise had developed a very strong Jersey accent during the offseason. “Hey kid.  This is KITT.  How’ya doin’?” At this point I was beginning to become sceptical.  This didn’t really sound like KITT and I suspected that Six Flags was trying to pull one over on me.  I asked: “So are you the real KITT?” “Sure kid.  I’m da real one.” “So, if you’re the real KITT, what’s the square root of 1,268,573?”  (Geez I was an obnoxious kid) “(sigh).  Look kid.  Why don’t use tell me what the squared roots is” “Uh… 2749.8693? “Yeah, dat sounds good to me.  Alright, let some udder kid get a chance.  Enjoy yeh day at duh Six Flags.” I knew, of course, that I couldn’t have found the square root of  1,268,573 to save my life.  KITT was just humouring me.  And one of the founding principles of Knight Rider 1982 was that KITT did not have a sense of humor (He had never been programmed to love!) KITT was not real. In later years I have thought a lot about this moment.  I’ve imagined some guy with a cigarette and a bottle of Jim Beam sitting in some booth somewhere talking to one smart aleck kid after another through a black and white video monitor.  It was a pretty thankless job, but still, I thought he could have tried a little harder to not destroy the dreams of a dorky kid from Florida.  He could have easily made up any number he wanted and I would have believed him.  How would I have known?  I don’t even think we had calculators back then.  Casio had just come out with their Abacus watch. So, watching Knight Rider 2008 was not my first experience being disappointed by Knight Industries.  However, while I sat watching this new iteration, falling deeper and deeper into a sea of unending sorrow as I watched my childhood gasp and go under for the final time, I had a single, horrifying thought.  As I watched the stilted acting, the goofy car, the ludicrous plot about surfers stealing some kind of super missile to pay for their wave riding habit, it occurred to me:   What if this show was exactly as good as the 1982 version?  What if that version also had stilted acting, a goofy car and ludicrous plots? Surely not. Is it possible that my 9 year old recollection of the show is not accurate as I believe it to be?  Is it possible that the awesomeness I remember feeling while sitting on our green naugahyde couch in 1982 might not accurately represent the true quality of David Hasselhoff’s acting? I certainly don’t believe this to be true, but I can tell you one thing for sure.  I’m not going to go back and watch an episode to find out. Like Middle School, Toto songs and movies starring Steve Guttenberg, some things are better off left in the past. Posted Oct 22 2008, 05:57 AM by superdad with 1 comment(s) Filed under: Better off Dad, tv [Edit Tags]

• Excuse Me, Could You Stop Being A Terrible Parent Please

  As an idiot male, I occasionally get stopped by elderly women to correct my parenting skills.  It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.  And apparently the “Hoboken Society of Nosy Old Ladies” was taking a bus trip to Sams Club yesterday. This was all partly my fault.  It was after Micah’s naptime and I knew he was cranky.  But I really needed paper towels and milk and thought I might be able to pull off just running inside quickly. This was not to be. I was in the store for about 5 minutes when Micah started to fuss.  I tried putting him in the Bjorn, I tried putting him in the cart next to Asher, I tried holding him, but it’s darn near impossible to push one of those beastly carts with one hand.  So eventually I settled on simply putting him in the cart and pushing it as fast as I could through the aisles. Micah began to fuss, and then he began to cry and before long we had entered the territory of full out sobs.  By this point I’m cruising through the aisles at Mach 2, trying to remember what corner they hide the paper towels in.  Several little old ladies looked at my sobbing son with pity and looked on the verge of saying something, but I blew past them.  Thank God for arthritis. But one lady started running after me. “He’s hurting him!” she said. (What the heck?) “He’s hurting him,” she said pointing to my three year old, Asher.  “Don’t hurt your little brother.” Asher stared at her blankly since he had just been sitting there playing with a bag of bananas. “He didn’t do anything to him,” I said.  “Micah’s just tired.” “Well, babies only cry for a reason you know.” My first thought was, well, I don’t know about that. “It’s true,” she emphasized.  “Oh no!   Look!  His foot is caught.” I looked down at his leg which was tucked up under the rail.  “No,” I said.  “He just put it there.”  I gently pushed his leg down and he immediately tucked it back up.  By this point, my nerves are close to shot from all of the crying and elderly intervention . “Oh, I think he wants me to pick him up,” she said.  “He can tell I’m being sensitive to his needs.” That was it. “Ma’am, I just need to get him home so I can put him to bed.” “Well, I raised 5 kids and I know that sometimes…” “Well, I’ve got three” I snapped and started to push the cart away.  Ok! I know the kid is crying.  I also know what I need to do to make him stop and that is get home, and not talk to crazy people.  But clearly my maleness renders me incompetent to make such an assessment. The lady is still shouting at me from an aisle away as I move toward the checkouts.  Geez Louise, how can I not outrun someone with a hip replacement and SAS shoes. She corners me as I’m coming around the corner of baked goods and grabs my arm. “I’m sorry, but I’ve got to tell you this.” I’m starting to wonder how inappropriate it is to hit an old woman with a bag of bananas. “I had five children, but one of them died in a car accident.  And I often think back to how I sometimes neglected her as a child and I would give anything to go back and not do that again.  So whenever I see a child crying, I just have to say something.” …. ……… ……………..   ARE YOU FRICKING KIDDING ME?!? That’s the most depressing story I’ve ever heard and now I feel like absolute crap!  I pick Micah up out of the cart and hold him, which changes the wailing to a snuffling cry.  I then try to steer the 400 pound cart with my left hand – using my pinky as the sole means of turning to the right or left. I got through the line and managed to get out to the car and load everyone in.  Unfortunately I can’t stop thinking about that horrible old woman and her horrible old story and how damn true it is. I feel simply terrible. I suppose a good parent would have ditched Sam’s gone home, put their baby to bed and continued to use old boxer shorts to clean the kitchen counters until new paper towels could be purchased.  Yeah, Micah does get the shaft sometimes.  When I was home with just Audra, we organized our whole day around her naps.  Her every need was met and she never would have been in a Sam’s an hour past her nap time.  But now we’ve got three kids and three more teens down in the basement and life just isn’t that easy anymore.  And now I need to carry around with me future guilt about how I would feel if something ever happened to one of my kids. I think what that lady had to say was probably true.  I also think it was horribly mean.  I have enough guilt troubles already without spending time contemplating future hypothetical guilt. It did make me rethink a little bit how we’ve been living and what, if anything, I could do about it.  I didn’t rethink it so much that I didn’t poke Micah all the way home so he wouldn’t fall asleep in the car, thus ruining his nap, (it was for his own good), but I did think about it.  And I learned a couple of valuable lessons. 1.  It is probably helpful to occasionally view your parenting through the lens of “how would you spend your day, if this was the last day you had.”  (I can tell you one thing.  I wouldn’t have been fretting about cleaning the kitchen counters) 2.  Carry mace.  Those little old ladies are vicious. Posted Oct 21 2008, 04:34 AM by superdad with 2 comment(s) Filed under: Asher, Better off Dad, Micah, little old ladies [Edit Tags]

• 5 Funnies That Aren't

  Ah, the comics.  That one brief burst of joy and silliness in a paper otherwise brimming with death, wars, economic depression and photos of Dick Cheney.  On those rare days where I actually have the time to read through the entire paper I have always enjoyed ending on the comics.  It’s sort of like that little mint they give you after dinner at a fancy restaurant like Olive Garden. Of course, not all comics are funny to all people.   I happen to like the absurdity of “Get Fuzzy,” but I can easily imagine lots of relatives of mine reading it and saying “I don’t get it.  Why is the cat so mean?  Why is he talking about Totalitarianism?” The beauty of course is that there are lots of comics that I don’t get either.  And I suppose that differentness is what makes the world go around or at least what keeps the creator of  Beetle Bailey’s son from having to get a real job.   So here is a list of 5 comics I just don’t get. 1.  Cathy Perhaps I should be excused from commenting on Cathy because of my Y chromosome, but boy, this hasn’t been funny since about the third time Cathy said Aack!  How many strips can you really squeeze out of not finding a man, loving chocolate, dieting and shoe shopping?  Apparently 50 million.  How many funny ones?  Apparently 6.               2.    Zippy the Pinhead I know this makes me deeply, deeply unhip, but I don’t think I have ever understood this comic.  Before I moved to DC, you could only find this comic in that weird free newspaper that they only hand out at colleges and tattoo parlors.  You know, the one that lists all the local punk bands, has ads for stores you were never allowed to go into as a child and has 4 pages of personals for “casual relationships. I would occasionally flip through and read Zippy and assume I just wasn’t cool enough, gnarly enough, or presumably high enough to understand it.  And then, low and behold, it starts showing up in the Washington Post.  About every 5th time I read the comics, I’ll check it out to see if I understand it. I never do. What does that mean?  Am I not esoteric enough to grasp the deeper meaning?  Am I too old?  Too hygenic?  Too suburban?  Too sober?  (I’m guessing the answer is yes to all of these.)  I’m almost certain that the people who think Zippy is hysterical are exclusively people who sleep on mattresses on the floor of tiny Manhattan apartments and read the comic right after they wake up at 3 pm on Sturday on their way to breakfast at a local greasy spoon named something like “Kafka with cream or sugar.” 3.  Judge Parker Judge Parker, Mary Worth, Prince Valiant, Mark Trail.  These are just boring beyond belief.  (Sweet Niblets Mark Trail is boring.   All the tedium of a 50 part story, combined with all the excitement of poachers chasing after the rare white tailed squirrel).  I suppose if you read them every day they might be interesting, but how does anyone start?  On any given day, you get 5 seconds of a scene and learn absolutely nothing.  It would be like if a soap opera broadcast for 1 minute a day, completing a single episode every 3 months.  You could watch it, but you could also put scorpions on your eyeballs.  I imagine they would be similarly enjoyable. I’m guessing it won’t be interesting to see who the beneficiary is.  I’m guessing it has never been interesting.  But I’m also guessing that there are some 50 year old women somewhere in Virginia who run out to their mailbox every morning to see what old Judge Parker is up to next….. But I’m also guessing that there are some 50 year old women somewhere in Virginia who are putting scorpions on their eyes.  Virginia’s just sort of like that. 4.  Mutts You know what I look for in a comic?  Preachiness.  Now I’m not a big fan of animal cruelty.  Most people I know aren’t.  But apparently the best place to persuade people not to beat their dogs, but instead to sterilize their cat is below Hagar the Horrible and above the jumble.  Well my mind is changed. Normally this comic is just boring.  It generally falls into the category of “things I can only assume senior citizens like.” Your average strip goes something along the lines of a small puppy wants to have it’s tummy rubbed but can’t find anyone so he says “shesh.”  The end.  Hysterical. But then every other week or so, we’re treated to a lesson on getting our dogs spaded and neutered, adopting cats from the pound or only eating cage free tofu.  These are all well and good, I guess, but they just bore me to tears.  And I can’t say that a comic strip is generally the forum that is most likely to make me change my evil behaviors (like eating chicken).  There was, of course, that one time Dennis the Menace convinced me to support clean needle exchange programs “Gosh Mr. Wilson.  What are you doing?”  but that was an isolated incident. 5.  Garfield I know, I know.  Everyone loves Garfield.  We all have fond memories of the cartoons, the wrapping paper, the cereal, the stuffed dolls suctioned cupped to car windows.  But let’s be brutally honest.  When was the last time that Garfield was funny?  1987? I have a great deal of respect for the people who created Bloom County, Calvin and Hobbes, and The Far Side.  When they stopped being funny, they took their bazillion dollars and retired.  Not Jim Davis.  As he enters his 14th or so decade on this planet he continues to crank out jokes about lasagna.  Because, surely, there’s an endless supply, right? I do remember Garfield being funny 25 years ago.  It’s hard to remember whether it was actually funny, or whether I was just 10, but there are a number of comics that fall into this category.  They haven’t been amusing for a couple of decades, but people are attached to them anyway, kind of like that old college sweatshirt you have in your bottom drawer with all the holes in it.  It’s ugly, you can’t wear it out of the house, you can’t really even wear it in the house, but it was what you were wearing when you met your future wife, or went to the big game, or failed sophomore geometry or whatever, and so there, in your bottom drawer, it sits. Garfield is like that.  As is the Family Circus, the Wizard of Id, BC, Heathcliff, Marmaduke and Broom Hilda.  They’re one note jokes that are still with us and just never realized they were supposed to give up and die along with Andy Capp, Pogo and Lil’Abner. But I imagine that somewhere there is an elderly man in a nursing home, hospital, or possibly an asylum who is reading today’s Garfield and chuckling to himself: “Oh, that Garfield!  Will he ever learn?” And I suppose that’s what the comics are all about. Aack! Posted Oct 20 2008, 06:07 AM by superdad with no comments Filed under: Better off Dad, comics [Edit Tags]

• Wow! I Totally Forgot They Were Human!

  Presidential politics are rough.  By the time everyone is limping into October, the candidates and the entire country are feeling battered, bruised, and darn near sick of the whole thing.  Every time I hear a reporter begin a phrase “if the election were held today…”  all I can think is ‘boy, wouldn’t that be great.’ McCain has all but called Obama a terrorist, and Obama has all but called McCain foolish and senile.  The ads are nasty and intentionally misleading.  This is especially frustrating because the candidates are so radically different.  There is no need to exaggerate the candidate’s policies or intentions, they are pretty clearly different already. I’ll say upfront that I am a longtime Obama supporter.  I understand that McCain is sinking in the polls and, with three weeks to go, may feel like his only recourse is to throw as much mud as is humanly possible, but it makes me angry.  And even a casual viewer of the recent McCain rallies can see the anger his supporters are feeling and expressing as well. In this atmosphere it is easy to forget that the candidates are people.  It is human nature to line up behind your man and slowly begin to feel like the opponent is nothing short of the antichrist who is hell bent on “destroying the fabric of our democracy” (anyone recognize that gem?) Which is why I was so pleased to wake up this morning and start my day off with this video of the candidates speaking at some swanky Catholic charity dinner.  Apparently, this is some fancy pants 50 million dollar a plate fundraiser that the New York glitterati all attend and, apparently, it is traditional for the presidential candidates to give funny speeches. (has anyone noticed the frequency with which I use the word “apparently”?  It’s out of control.  Apparently lots of things are apparent to me) You must, must, must take 30 minutes of your day and watch these. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27234647 And I’ll tell you why. It reminds you why people like your opponent.  I’ll be the first to admit that I used to like John McCain and I have been somewhat horrified at his transition from a charming, funny, moderate, to an angry, mean, standard bearer for the far right.  This video reminds America why he has been a favorite guest on the Daily Show and David Letterman. McCain is a funny guy (with excellent speech writers).  He has great comic timing, and an excellent dead pan delivery.  And when he’s not at a debate looking like his head might explode with anger on the split screen, he can be charming and respectful of his opponent in a way that has not been evident recently. Similarly, Obama was able to shake off his calm seriousness for a little while and joke some about himself and this whole craziness he is involved in.  He has nowhere near the comedic skills of senator McCain, but luckily there is a lot of material out there. McCain joked about Joe the Plumber, his underdog status and “that one.”  Obama joked about being perceived as the second coming, his ears, his middle name, and the terrorist references. Here are a couple of my favorite moments, just to give you a sense of the thing.  I’m going to paraphrase a bit, because, honestly, I really don’t care enough to go back and transcribe it. McCain:  “The Democrats have already been jumping all over Joe the Plumber and saying things like ‘how could a plumber possibly make that much money?’  Well, my friends, what they don’t know is that Joe recently got a very lucrative contract from a wealthy couple to handle all of the plumbing needs on their seven houses.” Obama:  “The race has been getting nasty.  Just last week, I was at a rally where someone started yelling ‘NOBAMA.’  Apparently they were angry because they thought an older more experienced candidate should have been chosen as the nominee. (pause)  I sure do wish Joe Biden hadn’t done that.” Comic gold, my friends. For me, in a brief moment, I felt like both candidates released a lot of the steam and anger that had been building up on both sides.  It seemed like the two of them might someday be able to sit down in a couple of leather chairs, pour a tumbler of whiskey and all laugh about this.  (Probably not, but here’s hoping) Of course, they are still in the midst of an election and they both took a couple of shots meant to score a political point or two.  McCain made an unfunny, poorly received joke about Acorn and Obama sent a virtual gasp through the  room with a joke about AIG and suffered through some truly uncomfortable silence after a very funny but poorly delivered joke about Rudy Giuliani. There was one other thing that I couldn’t help but notice but I doubt a lot of other people will pick up on (this is because I’m so smart…. And handsome).  Think for a moment.  If you were to write self deprecating jokes about this campaign that poked fun at the candidates, what would be the biggest target out there? How about Sarah Palin? There were an endless number of jokes, from both sides, about McCain, Obama, Biden, both Clintons, Bloomberg, Giuliani, Chuck Schumer, MSNBC and Fox News.  There was not a single joke, mention, or even oblique reference to the Republican VP.  For someone who has been so mercilessly lampooned on SNL, and all of the late night talk shows, what does it mean that no one would, or could, joke about her at this event?  I’ll tell you what it means.  In general, you can only make fun of people who can take it – people who, although they may make mistakes, are generally accepted to be smart, respectable individuals otherwise.  You can poke fun at McCain’s age because we all know that he is not senile or physically ill.  You can poke fun at Obama’s ego and borderline worship by supporters because he is a smart, capable guy.  Why can’t either of the candidates joke about Palin’s interviews and personal background?  Is it because they would hit a little too close to home?  Funny jokes always have a bit of truth in them, but they stop being funny when they are too true.  That’s when it crosses from poking fun at, to making fun of.  Apparently both campaigns saw Sarah Palin as off limits, because to say out loud what everyone is thinking wouldn’t be funny, it would be cruel. I would be fascinated to see whether anyone else will pick up on this, although I doubt it.  This isn’t much of a story in general, and this point is miniscule and forgettable at best, but, boy, it does make you think.  (Or at least it makes me think… and that’s always a good thing) But Palin aside, it was wonderful to see this.  It reminded me why McCain is (or was) so beloved.  If I thought lots of people might actually see this video, I would worry that it could swing the election his way.  Luckily, my readership is in the low double digits so I think Obama is safe.  But please, take a minute, enjoy a little comedic interlude in this gladiator battle and try to see the humanity in whichever candidate you’re not voting for.  It’s easy to forget that it’s there.  And it’s important to remember that deep down, both these guys are good people who both want the best for their country.  They just have radically different ways of achieving that.  Oh, and one of them is totally wrong. But that’s for another column. Posted Oct 17 2008, 06:12 AM by superdad with no comments Filed under: Obama, Politics, Better off Dad, mcCain [Edit Tags]

• A Good Joke is Hard to Find

  We have a problem in our home.  There is a humor deficit. It’s not an overall humor deficit.  Believe me, there’s plenty to laugh about at around here.  Rather we have an unequal amount of humor arising from my daughter and my son.  Here’s the problem. Asher is funny.  God bless him he’s not trying to be.  He has no intention to be funny.  But, on a regular basis, he says things that crack us all up.  And it’s not even the words he’s saying, there’s just something about his delivery that is inherently hilarious.  On the flip side, Audra is not funny.   She is charming and talented and cute as a button, but she’s just not particularly funny.  And it’s driving her crazy.  You see Audra likes to be the center of attention.  She would like nothing better than for the whole world to stop and look at her and marvel at her cuteness, faun over her singing and laugh uproariously at her jokes.  There are times when you all but have to beat her back with a stick to keep her from inserting herself into a group of adults and bursting into song. On the other hand, Asher couldn’t care less.  He likes people, I mean why not?  But he had no overriding need to be the focus of everyone.  He just is who he is and does what he does and somehow, that is frequently hysterical.  For instance, a couple of nights ago we’re sitting at the table and completely unsolicited, very matter-of-factly, Asher says, “There are bats in my woom.”   The whole table stopped for a beat.  “Really?” “Yes.”  Asher said, and then continued eating, seemingly unconcerned. “Uh, what kind of bats?” “Big bats” “Um, what were they doing?” “Fwying awound” At this point, I’m beginning to worry about an infestation.  We’re kind of out in the woods and it wouldn’t be the craziest thing in the world to find flying rats in the house.  So I asked, “What color were they?’ “Pink.” “So to be clear,” I said, “You had giant pink bats flying around your room?” “Yes.”  Asher then looks around the room as if wondering “should I be concerned?” “Were you scared?” “Yes” “Did the Bats do anything to you?” “Yes, they gwabbed me by my wegs and swung me wound and wound.” Ok.  This is probably one of those you-had-to-be-there moments, but this conversation went on for about 15 minutes and had most of the table in stitches.  You see, Asher is random and for some reason in our culture (or at least in our family) random is funny.  It also cracks me up when I hear him playing with his trains and singing quietly to himself: “Evwybody have fun tonight.  Evwybody Wang Chung tonight.” Or, for instance, last night at the table, we were all sitting around talking about the upcoming debate and Asher turns to Jessie and very seriously says: “I have eyebrows!” Now, I can’t tell you exactly why, but that is damned funny. He’s not trying to be funny, he just is and unfortunately Audra can’t stand this.  It’s not that she begrudges Asher his funny, but rather that she just doesn’t like to see the spotlight turned off of her for too long.  You can almost feel a sense of desperation from her.  For example, last night after the laughter died down from Asher’s eyebrow comment, Audra turned to the table and said: “I have a nose!” It’s not funny.  I don’t know exactly why.  But it’s just not. For a while she got into the habit of repeating whatever someone had just said that had garnered a laugh.  So a common scene might go something like this. We’re eating at the dinner table and Jessie’s talking about how he ran into a lawyer for the plumbing union he’s trying to get hired at.  I quickly asked “so did you talk to her.” Jessie smiles and says, “yeah, I gave her part of my cookie.” We all laugh and I said.  “you didn’t give her the whole cookie?  Just part of it?” “Nah,” said Jessie.  “It was a good cookie!” We all laugh, at which point Audra shouts out, “Ha ha ha!  I have a good cookie!” It’s not funny. It’s just not.  In fact, there’s something about a young child desperately trying to make you laugh by repeating a joke that they didn’t even understand in the first place that is very very not funny.  For awhile I tried to help the situation by explaining to Audra that repeating someone else’s joke is almost never funny and that she should use her own jokes.  This would lead to circumstances where after the cookie line I would lean over and remind Audra to “get your own jokes.”  At which point, she would pause and then say.” “I have a good banana!” I think I made things worse. And the thing is, that Audra is sometimes funny, but at this age, most of the time humor is unintentional  (I have eyebrows!) So here’s a small prayer, that as my theater loving daughter grows older she will, in fact, get her own jokes and be the funny funny girl that she longs to be.  And if not, maybe she can go into pest control.  Because we have a serious need to get rid of some giant pink bats. Posted Oct 16 2008, 05:16 AM by superdad with no comments Filed under: <