Everyone talks about the terrible twos, but my experience has been that two wasn’t all that bad.  It was the threes and early fours that got to me.  Maybe kids are developing later, or maybe alliteration doesn’t work as well when you say “terrible threes,”  but at least for the Zumwalt clan it’s the threes where you start wondering if the hospital will take the kid back if you can just find a receipt.

With Audra, her defiance mainly took the form of talking like a snotty 17 year old. 

“Unh!  Why do we always have to do this!”

Makes you want to slap somebody just reading it, doesn’t it?

But she has since grown out of it and is now a lovely six-year-old (most of the time).  But our son Asher has now turned three and he apparently found the manual his sister left for him.  He is not terrible yet, but he gives signs of what is to come.  He’s in the stage where he is defiant simply for the sake of being defiant.  He says no to everything, and I mean everything.

It’s time for a nap.   -   NO!

Do you want to watch Thomas?   -   No!  I don’t like Thomas

Do you want to play outside?  -  No!  I don’t like outside.

Do you want ice cream and chocolate syrup and a foot massage?  - No No NO!

It can get a little old.

The worst thing is that he doesn’t actually mean any of it.  Of course he wants to watch Thomas and eat ice cream, he just can’t resist that joyful temptation of outright disobedience.  He almost always says it with a smile and a gleam in his eye.  It’s a great big “ha ha!  Look what I can do!” moment for him.  As if he just discovered he has magical powers and he wants to show them off.  (Darn that Harry Potter.  It’s all his fault.  Ban him now!)

The problem is that since he views it as a game, it is harder to deal with.  When a kids shouts no at you and stamps their foot, you snatch them up, haul them off to a back room and give them the what for.  It’s a little harder when you say, “Asher, bring me your shoes.”  And his eyes twinkle, he shouts “no,” and then runs down the hallway squealing with glee.

Of course there are times when it does become outright disobedience, but the problem with having multiple children (and getting older) is that you are more and more tired and have less and less energy to stay on top of those things.

For instance, Asher has taken to eating things with his hands.  No idea why.  But I will frequently look over at him and he’ll be picking up his peas one at a time or fishing around in his cereal bowl for sunken treasure.

When Audra was this age, we must have used the phrase “stop talking and eat” about a hundred times a night.  With Asher, it’s “use your fork!”

Last night I looked over and he had a handful of mashed potatoes.  This was about the third time I had caught him that evening using his hands.

“Asher!”  I snapped.  “I have told you three times to stop eating with your hands.  Now wipe your hands off and USE YOUR FORK!”
 
The bottom lip started to tremble.  Good, I thought.  At least I’m finally getting through to him.  And then he obediently wiped his hand off…… on his other hand.

Sheesh!

Perhaps the hardest thing about having multiple kids is that the naïveté is gone.  Our youngest, Micah, screams in the car everywhere we go.  I would like to believe that this will stop any day now, but because we already had two kids go through this, I know it’s going to last at least until he’s 18 months.  And with Asher, I would love to believe that my sweet little compliant boy is going to return any day now, but if Audra is any guide, his plane’s not due back until at least April of 09. 

So we press on with our little game of parenting.  Me trying to instill some discipline and respect and just enough compliance for us all to be able to get into and out of the grocery store without making the evening news, and Asher working very hard to at least make a show of thwarting me at every turn. 

I feel like I’m the company guy dealing with the local union.  I’m pretty sure the union guy completely agrees with me and knows that our new contract is a good one, but he’s going to tell me no anyway, just to prove that he can. 

And so we’re both stuck back at the negotiating table. 

“Alright, if you find your socks, I’ll help you put them on.” 

“Alright, if you eat two more bites, you can get down.”

“Alright, if you just use your fork, I won’t drive to the zoo and throw you into the alligator pit.”

I would like to believe that any one of these very reasonable requests would be met with a “sure daddy,” but I know the answer all to well.

No.