For two debates now, we have had PBS moderators asking the questions and then not requiring the candidates to answer them.  By all accounts, this hasn’t worked so well.  So if two well informed, intelligent, thoughtful people can’t get some straight answers, why not give good old regular folk a chance. 
 
So last night we had our big town hall debate.  The candidates were really freed up.  They could walk around!  They could occasionally touch people, making them deeply uncomfortable!  They could take questions from real people and not just the east coast media elite!

But just who are these “real” people?   Who is this select few chosen to represent the interests of our whole country in one of the two remaining opportunities we have to see our two candidates confront one another?

Well, that’s an interesting question.  So let me tell you what I know about them.

1.  They are uncommitted voters

Which is another way of saying they are absolute morons. 

How in the world is anyone an uncommitted voter this year?  I don’t care how much Ralph Nader wants to say that the two parties are the same, the fact is they are really really frickin’ different.

Here are just a few issues on which they are practically polar opposites:
• Whether to immediately begin withdrawing troops in Iraq (Obama yes, immediately, McCain no!  Never!)
• Abortion (Obama – Yes! Mandatory for everyone, McCain – Absolutely not even if molested by a bear)
• The kind of supreme court judges that would be appointed (Obama - Crazy liberals intent on being activist judges, McCain – Unfeeling whack job conservatives intent on being activist judges)
• Whether taxing the wealthy is a fiscal solution or a fiscal harm (Obama – tax the rich, tax em hard, McCain – are you kidding?  Do you know how much money I have?)
• Whether additional tax cuts for the middle class are necessary (Obama – I can bribe the middle class with $1,000, McCain – screw the middle class, I’ve got Bud Bucks)
• Whether our military resources should be focused on Iraq or Afghanistan (Obama –Afghanistan and we MUST invade Pakistan, just for fun, McCain – Iraq and maybe Iran and Russia and North Korea and possibly the Netherlands)
• Approach to Unicorns (Obama – doodles them on his notebook, McCain – decapitate them and leave the head in Mitt Romney’s bed)

And honestly, that list could be a lot longer if I thought anyone cared enough to listen.  If you look at that list, the differences are stark, and good people have honest disagreements about which policy is the best approach, but to have no opinion at all?

If you still don’t know who you’re voting for, you really haven’t been paying attention.  Which is fine, we’re all busy.  But for Pete’s sake, not having any idea what’s going on isn’t really a qualification for getting to ask questions in a debate.  Wouldn’t it be nice if instead of this group of completely uninformed dunderheads, we had some thoughtful people with a good understanding of the issues to ask the questions?  Sure, that would eliminate Sarah Palin, but.. (Oh snap!  Where did that come from?)

Honestly, every time a reporter says that it is the “undecided voters that will decide this election,” it kind of scares the lunch out of me.  Doesn’t it scare you?   It’s sort of like saying “we’ll have a pack of trained monkeys put the finishing touches on the new bridge construction.”  I’m sure they’ll do a heckuva job.

2.  The Uncommited Voters are all White

It’s true.  NPR (love the NPR) had an interview with the Gallup organization yesterday about how they selected this special group of individuals.  The Gallup guy (we’ll call him Mr. Gallup) was asked whether this was supposed to be a cross section of America, and he basically said no.  Because the group is of undecided voters, it basically self selected out minorities, Christian conservatives, young people, wealthy people and anyone with an IQ over 84.

I know there were a few outliers in the group.  There were a couple of minorities in the group (you know they picked every single minority that said they were undecided) but all in all this group came nowhere close to representing America (am I crazy to think maybe it should have?).  From what I could tell, there were no Asians, no Hispanics, no Jews, nobody under 30 and no one who reads the paper on a regular basis (because, seriously, they would have chosen a candidate by now).  If you had 30 year old wallpaper in your bathroom and think America’s Funniest Home Videos is the greatest show ever, I’d say you were well represented in that forum.  If you have a subscription to the newspaper, access to the radio or melanin – not so much.

3.  Uncommitted Voters are Bald

Ok, there was this one section (section F perhaps?) where everyone sitting there was bald.  It was crazy.  I have no idea whether hair loss is tied to an inability to choose a candidate, but I would like to see a study done (maybe we could insert an earmark for a couple million dollars)  By the by, did you see how McCain tried to suck up to the baldies by saying he needed insurance that would give him hairplugs.  Very sneaky.  All polls show that the hairless vote is still up for grabs. 

4.  Uncommitted Voters Ask Some Pretty Lame Questions

Honestly, last night when that woman asked

“Should the United States respect Pakistani sovereignty and not pursue al Qaeda terrorists who maintain bases there, or should we ignore their borders and pursue our enemies like we did in Cambodia during the Vietnam War?”

I almost had to physically reach into my eyesockets to keep my eyes from rolling heavenward.  We’ve gone over this in the last 10 debates, going back to primary debates in April.  This whole “if we have Osama Bin Laden in our sites, and the Pakistani Government is either unwilling or unable to help us” blah blah blah.  I could recite Obama’s entire answer verbatim.  Then, if necessary, I could recite McCain’s nonsensical response about how wrong Obama is, even though he would do exactly the same thing.  Please, shoot me now. 

First of all, if the lady knew enough to ask the question, then she must have already known the answer.  Was Tom Brokaw sneaking around before the debate suggesting questions to everyone?  Darn you Brokaw!

To me this is something that has been covered endlessly and is just one minuscule hypothetical out of a million possible hypotheticals.

“If terrorists dressed up as Girl Scouts and were delivering not thin mints, but thin mines, do we still have to pay the $3.50 a box?”

“If Fannie Mae was a real person, do you think she should be put in jail?”

“If Canada threatened a boycott of American Bacon, would it be appropriate to start making Hawaiian Pizzas with Pineapple and ham slices as retaliation?”

“If the Taliban established headquarters in a Munich Dunkin Donuts, would I be considered a hero or a traitor if I continued to order a bavarian cream donut every morining along with my hazelnut MooLatte?”

“If it turns out that Osama Bin Laden is really Dakota Fanning dressed up in a turban and shoe lifts, can we still kill him/her?”

It’s ludicrous.

And after three debates where the candidates have answered the same 10 questions, I was really counting on these Nashvillians to get to some new topics.  I don’t think we have had a single question about education, or financing college, or what to do about the 10 trillion dollar national debt, or cancer research, or the problems in our cities, or trade policy, or a hundred other issues that I care about more than this beaut by Teresa:

“How can we trust either of you with our money when both parties got -- got us into this global economic crisis?”

What’s the answer to that? 

Obama: “You’re dead on the money, Teresa.  You should vote for Bob Barr.  He’s crazy as a loon, but he isn’t one of the main parties.”

However, I reserve the dumbest question of the night award to Tom Brokaw with this gem:

“This requires only a yes or a no. Ronald Reagan famously said that the Soviet Union was the evil empire. Do you think that Russia under Vladimir Putin is an evil empire?”

Seriously?  Evil Empire?  Yes or no? 

Dumbest Question Ever.

McCain:  Why, yes Tom, the Russians are the evil empire.  Let’s all go hide under our desks now since I have ignited another cold war.

Obama:  No, Tom, they’re nor evil at all.  In fact Putin just sent me a very nice card for my birthday.  It was one of those cards that plays music.  Mine said “Happy Birthday” while it played that old Tears for Fears song, “Everybody wants to rule the world.”  He’s quite charming.

Thank goodness neither of the candidates was stupid enough to answer that question “yes, or no.”

And while we’re on the topic, what in the world happened to Tom Brokaw?  Two years ago, he was a well respected dignified looking news anchor.  He comes back for the election and he looks like the crypt keeper.  He’s aged about 20 years.  His eyes have shrunk to the size of burnt peanuts and he’s turned into that crazy old man who nags the kids about running over their time limits.

“Barrrrrreeeee!  Joooohhhnn!  If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times.  Stop talking for more than your allotted minute!  Don’t you see the lights?  Don’t you?  Now pipe down!  I need a nap.”

I swear, if I was more of a conspiracy theorists I would say that the only reason he was even moderating was to make John McCain seem young and perky by comparison.

But back to what I was whining about a minute ago.  There are a ton of topics that we have not covered in this election.  Now clearly, the economy is a huge and evolving issue that deserves discussion time, but I think we’ve pretty much beaten foreign policy to death.  I would love to see some more time devoted to domestic and social issues.

Yeesterday I saw an ad from Kentucky Fried Chicken (of all wacky places) saying that if either of the candidates or audience members mentioned the topic of world hunger they would donate $20,000 to the UN Food Bank Program.  Well, thank you Nashville for saving KFC some much needed dough.

We’ve got one debate left and all my hope is riding on Bob Schieffer.  So, Send Brokaw back to the old folks home, round up the undecided audience members and take them back to whatever town they live in that has no access to TV, radio or newspapers (uh, Nashville, is it?)  and let’s all say a little prayer that Bob Schieffer can actually get around to asking some good questions and making the candidates answer them. 

Kind of makes you long for the good ol’ insanity of the youtube debates doesn’t it?  Where’s that talking snowman when you need him?  Probably as far from Nashville as he could get.