Audra came home with her Christmas wish list yesterday. Apparently that’s what they’re doing in school nowadays, writing letters to Santa. This is fine, except that my daughter is apparently greatly influenced by her peers. For instance, she asked for a DS. That’s a hand held computer game for those of you who don’t know. The category of “those of you who don’t know” would also include my daughter who has never seen one before, and became extremely vague as soon as I asked her about it. Apparently her best friend is getting a DS for Christmas and so Audra wants one too. Her best friend also rides motor bikes in little kiddy dirt bike competitions, so I guess I should be grateful.
This did get me thinking about the big holiday though. Every day we get half a dozen catalogs that sit on the counter for a few days before I get around to a mass recycling. I’ve been looking through them and you wouldn’t believe some of the great stuff they have out there for kids. You also wouldn’t believe some of the absolute crap they’re selling. So, to help you out, here is your holiday “don’t buy” list.
First Category:
Stuff Kids Don’t Want
Some adults, especially that one weird old aunt that you’ve got who always wears sandals with socks and always brings a box of organic wheat germ tofu-cookies when she comes to visit, have a belief that toys should be natural, non-commercial and simple: AKA – not fun. These are the people that kids hate to get gifts from, because they always bring things like:
The Green Tea “Pretend” Party
Do you like to play “pretend” tea party? Do you find the taste of plastic or china to be too realistic and smooth? Do you enjoy pulling splinters out of your lips? Then here is the perfect gift for you!
This all wooden tea party includes a wooden tea pot, wooden tea cups, wooden tea bags, wooden sugar cubes and wooden cookies!
Enjoy plunking a wooden tea bag and two wooden sugar cubes into your wooden cup. What playful fun! It even comes with wooden cherries, for reasons that aren’t even a little bit clear to me. And if you accidentally choke on one of the wooden sugar cubes, you can gag yourself with a wooden spoon.
Block Play Families
Is your kid always losing her Barbie’s clothes? Do you have problems with limbs coming off or being bent in unnatural poses? Are you annoyed by the fact that your kid’s dolls are attractive?
Well fear not, the Block Play Family is here! These plastic, non moving figurines were apparently painted by blind monkeys in Thailand. 
Their uncomfortably thick eyebrows and fashions from the mid 80s should concern even the easiest to please child.
And don’t worry about needing to buy expensive playhouses or sports cars for these figurines. They were designed to play on blocks. Their awkward poses and immovable limbs were designed especially to stand on a piece of wood. These figures come in black, Latino, white or Asian families! Great for recreating classic sitcoms like the Cosby Show! Family Ties! The George Lopez Show! And…. Uh….. Hmmm. There’s that one Asian girl on ER I guess. Or did she get killed off? Uh… nevermind.
And My favorite toy that kids don’t want?
The Cardboard box!
The “Home Sweet Cardboard Playhome” is the must have toy of the season! This undecorated, vaguely perforated box is the perfect toy for children overwhelmed by colors, functionality and sturdiness. This dishwasher sized box is so much better than a dishwasher box because it already has holes punched in it!
For the low low price of $89.00 (no joke, land of nod, look it up: http://www.landofnod.com/family.aspx?c=9573&f=4856&q=3710481&fromLocation=Search&DIMID=400001&SearchPage=1) your child can live just like a hobo in this toy he or she must decorate themselves. Ironically, this product can not be gift boxed, but you can just put a ribbon around it and no one will know the difference!
Our second category of toys are those that your child may want, but really, really shouldn’t. Such as:
Bug Bands
No silly, this isn’t a group of plastic bugs that play instruments! These are real bugs that have been killed, placed in a plastic box and attached to a leather rope so that your son or daughter (ok, lets be honest: son) can wear them as the creepiest most inappropriate bracelet ever!
The set comes with a spider, hornet, ant and beetle! One for every day of the month that your child doesn’t get beat up! For the kid who’s not quite ready to start dissecting opossums they find on the side of the road, this is the perfect gateway gift to a lifetime of freakdom and social isolation.
Makeup and Hair Styling Doll
Girls love makeup and these disturbing beheaded toys have been around for years, so what makes this one special? It talks! While your daughter (or wildly effeminate son) is plastering rouge on Betty no-body, she will helpfully say things like “I feel like a princess!”
Really? Cause you look like a two-bit…… (side note, as I was writing this, my daughter came in, saw the picture and said “Oh Daddy can I have that? Please! I want it so badly!”)
There you go. That’s my list.
Of course, it’s just a partial list. With any luck there will be lots more wonderful gifts I’ll discover in the coming weeks before the big day. And if not, I can always just get everybody this:
Because who doesn’t want a freaky doll strapped to their chest? Mimicking your every move? I swear I saw that in a horror movie.
Speaking of horror movies. The catalog says this creepy doll is available in “light skin” or “dark skin.”
Are you kidding me? Is it still 1957 and I didn’t get the memo?
Does the catalog also sell George Wallace doorstops?
Sheesh!