As a world renowned blogger with readership that often runs in the low two-figures, I have a lot of responsibility.  One of those responsibilities is to collect important and interesting stories that you, gentle reader (oh, you’re so gentle.  That’s what I like about you!) may have overlooked.

It’s understandable.  You’re busy.  Sure, you saw Bush get attacked by a couple of flying shoes (was it just me or did that sort of seem like some Friends episode where Rachel got really mad at Ross and…– throw shoe.  (duck)  Woosh!.  Throw second shoe.  (duck again)  Woosh.  “Oooooh, I hate you Ross!  You and you’re Stupid monkey!”)

But it’s hard to keep up with everything you need to know, especially the stuff that is going to make you seem witty, well read and interesting at the water cooler.  And that’s what I’m hear to help you with today.  I have three news stories that will allow you to be the smartest most intriguing person in the office; although for those of you who work at the department of Interior, it probably won’t take that much.

#1  Inbred NJ Racists Can’t Get Personalized Hitler Cake

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28269290/?gt1=43001

A couple of pasty skinned middle school dropouts from the part of NJ that is known for smelling slightly better than Wilmington are very upset because the local grocery store would not make them a cake that said “Happy Birthday Adolf Hitler Campbell.”

Yes, the non-shampoo owning Campbell family which appears to be made up of that creepy skinny kid who always hung out behind the high school dumpster and Meryl Streep in one of her ugly roles named their child Adolf Hitler.  It was the logical choice for a family of meth addicts living in what I can only assume is the nicest trailer a job at White Castle can afford.

"I think people need to take their heads out of the cloud they've been in and start focusing on the future and not on the past," said the greasy headed shop class reject defending the fact that he named his son after, perhaps,  the worst person to have ever  lived.

Yes, because it would be foolish to live in the past and do something like name your kid after an historical figure.

The family is clearly after attention.  Or possibly world domination, which is why they have named their subsequent litter:   (get ready for this) JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell.  (Oh, why do so few people name their daughters after the head of the S.S. and Concentration Camps?)

The poor ShopRite bakery worker who is certainly not getting paid enough to put up with this crap said, that the family has called to make requests the last two years and had been denied.  Additionally,  their request to have a swastika decoration on the cake was rejected.  It is of course, hugely unfair to this family.  Must it always be the children who suffer with nameless cakes?

The unfortunately virile father of this clan (Klan?) said that 12 children came to little Adolf’s party (I can only imagine what kind of games they played – pin the stache on Hitler?   Goose step relays?  And exactly what kind of gift do you bring to Lil’ Adolf on his birthday?  Poland?) and that several of them were of mixed race.

“If we’re so racist, then why would I have them come into my home?”  he asked.

 I don’t know.  Maybe so you could eat them?

The story has a happy ending, though.  Little Adolph finally got his cake from (and I swear, you can’t make this stuff up)  “a Wal-mart in Pennsylvania.”

Of course he did.

# 2  Half of all Young Adults are Totally Messed Up

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28002991/?gt1=43001

Have you ever thought to yourself, “Man kids these days are so crazy!” 

Well, you’re half right.

In a recent study of wildly questionable accuracy it was determined that a full half of all 19-24 year olds have some kind of “psychiatric condition.”

Now before you go out and purchase a taser just so you can walk past the apple store, let me reassure you.  First of all, this study was done by old people.  So all young kids seem crazy to them (Oy! The music you kids listen to.  It sounds like goat intestines being eaten by tortured cats!  Why would you be wanting to listen to this horrible music?  What is wrong with the Polka?) 

Secondly, the people who did this are  college professors, so all they see are students who are hyped on coffee and nodoz, coming to class late, and bleary eyed and asking for extensions on their quantum physics homework.

Thirdly, the interviews this study is based on were all completed in 2001 and 2002.  (Geez, can you think of any reason people would have been depressed back then?)

The study also indicates that the largest percent of kids with “psychiatric conditions” are those with a “drug or alcohol abuse” problem.  Now, I in no way want to make light of alcohol abuse, but what exactly qualifies a 20 year old as abusing alcohol?  Drinking it?   It is illegal after all.  And if they are willing to break the law merely to drink alchohol, that seems like the sign of something pretty serious.  Underage college students drinking beer?  Absurd!

However, after alcohol abuse, the second largest category of psychiatric conditions was “personality disorders.”  That seems pretty scary doesn’t it?  But the study defines personality disorders as: “obsessive, anti-social and paranoid behaviors.” 

Honestly, I think that would include the entire art department at most schools.  They wear black.  They mope around the campus with earrings shoved in places that are not ears and they think the “man” is out to get them just because they wanted to do an exhibit of dog genitalia in the gallery and were turned down.

I don’t know.  If you did this same survey, what percent of the Woodstock generation would have been considered to have had a “psychiatric condition?”  100%? 

Make that 99.9999%, my parents were pretty straight arrows.  My mom really liked Eddie Fisher and my dad played the accordion in college.  I take that back, I’m almost sure my dad would have qualified, based on the accordion alone.  If that’s not anti-social behavior, I don’t know what is.

So in short, you might want to be wary of 22 year olds, (I have seen “The Real Life”) but you might also want to be wary of College Professors.  They think you’re crazy.

#3 – Supreme Court Overturns Bush V. Gore

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/supreme_court_overturns_bush_v

Ok, it’s from the Onion.  But it still cracked me up.  Oh the irony.

It made me laugh and sort of cry all at the same time.  Of course, you know what that means?

I have a Psychiatric Condition. 

But then again, so does 50% of the Supreme Court.