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Better Off Dad

I am a stay at home dad. That’s pretty much all I am. I used to be other things before I started staying home with my kids. But now I’m just a stay at home dad, or SAHD for short. I know that’s what I am because that’s how people introduce me. “This is Marcus, he stays home with the kids (can you believe it?)” Or if they’re over the age of 55, I usually get the “He’s a Mr. Mom.” It’s said in a positive way, sort of like the way people say “between jobs” when they mean “fired for being an incompetent loser.”

February 2009 - Posts

  • A Special Religious Edition of Better Off Dad

     


    I am a religious man. 

    I attend church, I read the Bible, I lead praise songs, I’m in a small group, I cook pancake suppers and if I don’t play my cards right, I’m likely to end up as Sunday School Superintendent.

    (Yea)

    But lately God and I have been having a tiff.

    As you know we are hosting three teenagers while they try to find jobs and make their way through college. 

    This has not been easy.

    Both from a time standpoint, a financial standpoint and a general stress level standpoint, it has been at times really difficult.  Driving back and forth to the community college, searching the want ads, finding that my personal role is often “nag in chief” has all been a giant pain in the tuckus.  To make matters worse, lately I’ve been feeling like all of this running (we put 50,000 miles on our minivan last year) and time and stress has begun to have negative effects on my own kids and family.

    Throughout all of this, I have been praying every day for the last 9 months that these teens would find the motivation to accomplish their goals, that they would find a job that would allow them to be successful and that I would know what to do to best help them.

    I am a patient man, but for a long time it has felt like those prayers have just been spinning around aimlessly in space, like that satellite we sent to take pictures of Pluto and then just disappeared.  As far I’m concerned, God was clearly on vacation, or his voice mail box was full or something.  I don’t know, but he wasn’t getting back to me.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, I know the guy’s busy.  Darfur, poverty, having to deal with everyone’s prayers for various sports teams, and of course that middle east situation has been on top of the “in box” for a few thousand years now, but still.

    Things finally came to a head last week.  Felicia seemed to have no interest in finding a job whatsoever.  Jessie, who was very interested in finding a job, and seemed most likely to be successful, had gotten so frustrated with 9 months of waiting and rejections that he had decided to go home to Mississippi where there were certainly no jobs available.  And my youngest child, Micah went in for an evaluation since he was 19 months and still not talking and was found to have significant, although not serious developmental delays.

    I felt exhausted, overwhelmed, angry and generally annoyed, and I realized that I had been feeling this way for a long time.

    I was worried that Micah’s delays were related to the fact that Aloysius came to stay with us a few weeks after he was born.  Which meant that instead of regular naps, hours of being held in a rocking chair, and endless games of peek-a-boo, Micah was strapped in a car seat, or sleeping in a sling as I went from the community college, to preschool, to the grocery store, back to preschool, back to the community college, back to the house, where I cooked dinner and put him to bed. 

    It was a far from ideal babyhood.

    And then as a capper, Sarah came home to tell me that her job was sending her to a conference (on extremely boring legal stuff) at Disney world and that the kids and I could tag along and we could have a mini Disney vacation on the  cheap.  I was so excited.  So relieved.

    This was exactly what I needed to recharge my batteries and regain my sanity.  But then Sarah’s office decided that instead of sending her to the conference, she could just watch it on her computer as a webinar (Stupidest. Word. Ever.).  So instead of going to Disney, now Sarah has to go into work on a Saturday to watch little people give power point presentations on her computer screen.

    Now, none of this is exactly God’s fault.  But I kind of felt like I had been doing everything that had been asked of me and that God wasn’t exactly pulling his weight around here.

    Now, I’m not asking for miracles, but I did think there was some low hanging fruit here that God could have looked into.

    Then somewhere during that week I got depressed and then I got angry. 

    Part of my problem is that I’m a fairly cynical person in the best of times, but my faith, for the most part, has been removed from that.  However, once I start chugging down the cynical highway, it doesn’t take long for me to gain full speed.

    (side note: as I’m writing this, Micah, who got up two hours earlier than usual, is pouring all of his cereal on the floor.  I swear, if I didn’t take deep breaths, I wouldn’t take any breaths at all.)

    And I recognize that these problems are not significant in the grand scheme of the world.  I realize that in any objective ranking of prayer requests, these wouldn’t hit God’s top million or so, but come on?  Nothing?

    And so the more I dwelled on this, the more frustrated I became.  I still read the Bible every morning, but I started to talk back to it. 

    “Oh my gosh Paul!  No wonder the Galatians weren’t doing everything you told them to.  You’re such a nag!  I can just see all the Galatians now, rolling their eyes, “Hoo boy, another letter from Paul.  What did we do wrong now.”

    It’s also not a long walk from cynicism to doubt.

    I mean seriously, most of this stuff doesn’t really make sense anyway.  I mean, really, two of EVERY animal?  Heck why not 4, just in case?  They’re all going on the big magic ark!

    And then it’s not hard to arrive at outright bitterness, such that when I’m sitting in church and the pastor calls out, “God is good!”  all I can mutter back is “sometimes.”

    I have the ability to wallow in self flagellation and depression if I’m not careful.  It’s something I fight against.  So, I knew that I had to pull myself back from the brink. 

    (Micah is now, walking around the floor, crushing the cheerios with his feet and then sitting down to eat the crumbs off of his toes.  I would wait for our dog Minnie to come eat them, but she’s been hospitalized with pancreatitis – I told you it had been a week)

    My prayers had become little more than snide throw away comments that very much resembled the kind of things that surly teenagers hurl at their parents:

    “Please God, help me, if you can be bothered.”

    Or

    “Just, you know, do whatever you like Lord.  Clearly that’s what you’re going to do anyway.”

    Yeah, I was a real peach.  How could God resist someone with those kinds of prayers?

    Well, there’s an old Gospel song that goes:

    “He’s an on-time God.  He may not come when you want him, but he’ll be there right on time.”  (trust me, it sounds better when sung)

    Well, on-time or not, He did finally show up.

    This week, Jessie, who we had basically held captive for a few more days while we tried a last ditch effort to find him a job, finally started work with the local Plumbers Union.  It’s the first of about a hundred steps, but if it works out, it could be a wonderfully promising, and financially significant career for him.

    (Can I just pause and say how annoying it is, that the first thing every one of my children says to me when they come downstairs in the morning is “where’s mom?”  Not “good morning,” or “how are you dearest father, thanks for all you do for us.”  Nope, just “where’s mom.”)

    On top of that, Felicia, who I had all but given up hope on, came upstairs one morning and told me that her uncle had found her a job back home in Mississippi.  This may not be the ideal situation, but I think it will be a really good fit for her.

    So in a period of a few hours, two of our biggest concerns had begun to right themselves. 

    They always say that when God closes a door that he opens a window.  This is good news, unless you’re too fat to squeeze out the window, which is why you shouldn’t eat too many of Drake’s Cakes’ devil dogs.

    Of course, what they don’t talk about in church is that when God opens a door, he sometimes closes a window.  (I think he’s into Feng Shui)

    So what’s my point here?

    I don’t know exactly.  I’m more writing out of emotional release than any kind of intellectual direction (did you figure that one out already?)  But let give you a list of 10 things I know to be true:

    1.  God is real.  He’s often not as real or as active or as magical as we want him to be, but He is most definitely real.

    2.  He’s got his own schedule… and he doesn’t share it with us. 

    3.  He will never leave you or forsake you… but he might give you a little time on your own, which can feel an awful lot like you have been left and forsaken.

    4.  Footprints is the most annoying poem ever, even if it is true.

    5.  God has a purpose.  I don’t know if God has a plan.  If he does, he’s having a heck of a time executing it efficiently, but I believe he does have a purpose for all of us, and that it is our job to try to figure out what that is and to try to follow it.  That being said, it’s really hard to figure out  (someone should write a book trying to help us figure out how to have purpose in our lives, maybe even how to have purpose drive our lives!  I bet they’d make a fortune!)

    6.  God loves us.  Sometimes it’s that annoying “tough love” that Dr. Phil is always prattling on about, but He does love us.  He doesn’t necessarily dote on us in the way that we would like.  But this is why God is often described as a “father” and not a “grandmother.”  (boy wouldn’t that be sweet:  You: “Hey God, please help me pass my math test.”  God: “Oh, no problem sweetie, and here’s a cookie”)


    7.  God likes to teach us lessons.  Unfortunately, the lessons are hard and the only cliff notes available were written in a real nagging tone to the Galatians.  I don’t believe that God causes difficult things to happen just so we can learn from them, but I do believe that he uses difficult things to teach us.  This is very very annoying, but unfortunately, fairly effective.

    8.  Crushed cheerios are really hard to clean up

    9.  Doubting and questioning God is all part of the process.  It’s ok.  You just have to be willing to keep seeking God amidst the doubts.  God doesn’t expect you to be perfect, and mindlessly obedient.  He understands that a lot of what’s going on doesn’t make any sense.  I believe that he appreciates those who are actively trying to understand Him better, even if you understand him less in the process.  Besides, he’s usually just stringing you along so he can show you something significant.  He can be a real pain that way.  

    10.  Life is better when it is a life lived with God.  Now, notice that I didn’t say that life was easier, or more pleasant, or more financially secure.  Those aren’t really promises we get.  In fact, my experience is that life is probably harder and more difficult and with less finances (stupid 10%) when you are following God.  ( I know, I know, worst sales job ever.  This is why I’m not on the evangelism committee at church), but life IS better.  It is better knowing that you are doing what the Lord asks of you, that you are working to help make His world a better place and that your efforts, though often unappreciated (where’s mom?) are still right, nonetheless.  And lastly, that no matter how much it may feel that way, you are not alone.  You are never alone.


    Ed. Note:  For all the heathens, athesists, moon worshippers, and all my other friends who don’t quite “get” the church thing.  Don’t worry.   I’ll be back to writing about government foibles, societal aberrations and my childrens’ poo on Monday.  I just had to get this out of my system (see!  I’m already writing about poo!)

  • I’m Feeling Twitterpated

     
    I am getting old.

    Do you know how I know this?  Well, let me tell you a little story.  This morning (at 4:30 am – longer story) I was driving Jessie, one of our 20 year old Mississippians, to work.  As we drove, we passed Travis Pastrana’s house.

    Travis Pastrana is a neighbor of ours who also happens to be a motocross star who has won the X-games and was the first person to do a double backflip on a motorcycle while it was flying through the air or something.  I don’t know. 

    Travis Pastrana is crazy.  If you don’t believe me, check out this video that he took at his house of him and his friends doing crazy things.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRB3h5FCVrg

    Anyway, we’re driving past Travis’ house and Jessie tells me all about a new TV show that Travis has and anyway somehow it came up that there was a rumor that Travis might not be competing in the X-games because he’s too old to do the tricks anymore.  I laughed this off and said, “I mean, come on, the guy’s like 27.  It’s not like he’s….”

    Laughing, Jessie decides to finish my sentence for me:  “It’s not like he’s 35 or something.  Ha ha ha.”

    (sigh)

    I’m 35.

    And I have never once done a double backflip on a motorcycle.

    So, I am old.  It is apparently a fact.  I mean, I’m not as old as people who are, like, 36.  Now that’s old! 

    But apparently I am officially elderly.  I will begin shopping for a cane and one of those little seats that lets you ride up the stairs next week.

    But while I can accept my oldness, and am even embracing the flecks of grey that have begun to dot my hair (I would dye, but it’s almost impossible to match my gorgeous auburn locks with any accuracy) I don’t want to become outdated.  I don’t want to turn into an old man who pulls his pants up past his bellybutton and can’t work the TV remote, much less the computer.

    I don’t want to have to hire the Best Buy geek squad to come install my computer just because I’m too senile to figure out how to plug it in.  I want to stay relevant.

    I mean, I do write a blog after all.

    So anyway, in my efforts to remain as young and hip and trendy as ever (or, perhaps, to achieve those goals for a first time) I have just started a Twitter account.

    “What is Twitter,” you might ask.

    Well….. I’m not really sure.  It’s sort of this thing where you can text people short messages.

    “How is this different from just texting people short messages,” you might ask. 

    Well…..I think the idea is that you can text lots of people a short message all at once.  I could be wrong, but I think it’s basically a distribution list for texting.

    “Wow,” you might say, “that doesn’t seem the least bit revolutionary.”

    Uh… yeah.  But lots of people swear by it.  It’s apparently amazing.  Time magazine says it’s “on the way to becoming the next killer app!”

    I don’t know.  I just know that I’ve decided to jump on board early with this.  Well, sort of early.  I think early would have been 6 months ago.  Now it’s pretty late. (apparently late enough that the username “betteroffdad” was already taken by someone hipper than me) And I don’t want to wait another 6 months when I find out that my mother, my High School English teacher and my illiterate friend from Kindergarten are all Twittering and I’m still sending stupid emails like a neanderthal.

    I also knew it was time to join Twitter when I was listening to the Diane Rehm show (which is an NPR talk show for you non-nerds out there) and Diane, who sounds like she’s 180 ended her show by saying “and for those of you who have those new computery things.  You can follow the Diane Rehm show on facebook and on the Twitter.”

    Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit, if Diane Rehm is twittering then Lord knows I should be.  (Better start one of those facebook accounts soon too.  I don’t think I could stand to live in a world where Diane Rehm was younger than me)

    So, that’s it.  Yesterday I went and set up a twitter account.  Then I sent out a message (called a “tweet” by those of us who are hip and in the know).  Then I discovered that unless people are “following you,”  you’re just sending messages to nobody.  It’s sort of like sending a text message, but instead of sending it to lots of people at once, you take your phone and just throw it into a field. 

    So, I would invite you to go to twitter (deceptively found at www.twitter.com ) and to sign up to follow me.  Just search for “marcuszumwalt”   That is me.

    So, what kind of things can I promise you if you decided to let me twitter you? (yes, that is still illegal in Alabama)

    Well, I intend to only send out witty insightful comments to people.  Things that will brighten your day, or make you go “hmm.”  For instance: these are fun things I might have sent out in the last few days:

    During the State of the Union:

    “Is it just me, or does Nancy Pelosi look like Edith Ann sitting in that great big chair.”


    While listening to the radio:

    “I just realized that the lyrics to “Blinded by the light” are not “wrapped up like a douche another roller in the night.  Very embarrassing.”


    While walking through the mall on Tuesday:

    “Tonight is $1 scoop night at Baskin Robbins!”


    While potty training:

    “Asher just ran in very excitedly and announced that ‘He had just gone poop on the potty like a grown up man and that it looked like play-doh.”


    So, if this combination of celebrity criticism, personal reflection, helpful hints and generally too much information seems like the kind of thing you would like to see pop up in your text account or twitter page every day or so, then, by all means, please start following me on twitter.

    If, on the other hand, the last thing in the world you need is for your phone to vibrate in the middle of a meeting with the Secretary of the Interior, only to receive a message that says:

    “DC metro now has a facebook page.  They have 1,069 friends (all of whom are single)  Diane Rehm is kicking their fanny with 2,834 friends.  There WILL be a rumble.”

    …then perhaps this is not how you want to spend your time or cell phone minutes. 

    Regardless, I will be entering into this world of twentysomethings and geriatric talk show hosts with or without you.  I would love the company, because otherwise I’ll just be tweeting myself.

    And that’s illegal in all 50 states.

  • OMG! WHY CAN’T I WRITE IN LOWERCASE?

     
    I don’t trust teenagers.  You know why?

    Because they lie.

    I don’t mean that they have an inability to be truthful, they just tend to exaggerate about everything.  You know they’re always lying in bed, the day after somebody turned them down for a date and thinking “this is the worst thing that has ever happened to anybody on the face of the planet.”  Yes, yes, but the Holocaust comes in a close second.

    I was a teenager once, so I understand how this happens and how this kind of thinking progresses and for the most part it doesn’t affect me, but there is one area where this self indulgent hyperbole has begun to annoy me. 

    These young folk lie on the computer.  And I don’t mean that they’ve replaced their facebook photo with a picture of Heidi Klum or that they have perhaps inflated the resume that they posted on Monster.com.  No I am speaking of something much more insidious.  I am speaking of this:

    lol

    Those three little innocuous letters which are supposed to mean “laughing out loud,” but almost certainly do not. 

    They usually appear in a chain of responses to an article, where people start posting comments about said article and end up having conversations and arguments with people they don’t actually know or care about.

    The conversations usually go something like this:

    flf4brns: OMG BRINTEY IZ TOTALEE CRA-Z.  DID U C HER EAT THAT LIVE OSTRITCH ON TMZ?

    2dm2notis: I NO!  LOL!

    Are you really?

    Did you really sit at your computer, reading the shockingly uninsightful comments by your “friend” and then actually guffaw audibly?

    Did you actually have to pause before you responded to their comment so that you could wipe the tears of laughter from your eyes? 

    Did you really cause everyone in the library computer carrels to stop and turn and stare at your hilarious outburst caused by your friend’s hysterical comment?

    I don’t know.  I spend a lot of time at the computer and it is rare that I LOL.  Now, I have often read something that was funny and released a single chuckle and I have occasionally emitted a double or even a triple (heh heh heh).  But I truly can’t remember a time when I was sitting at the computer, reading something and then out of nowhere began to laugh out loud. 

    Nor have I ever heard someone else do this.

    So I’ve come to the conclusion that all these young whipper snappers are just lying.

    They don’t really laugh out loud, they have just taken this phrase and abused it in the same way they have adulterated the word “awesome.” 

    “OMG!  THOSE JEANS ARE TOTALLY AWESOME!”

    Are those jeans really awesome?  Do they truly inspire awe in you? 

    Were you truly left speechless and a little emotional at the “awesomeness” of the jeans you found on sale at TJ Max?

    I suspect that when most people write “LOL,” what they really mean is “MA”

    “Mildly amused.”
     
    As in, “after reading your comments, I must admit that I am MA.

    Now I have been mildly amused a lot while on the internets.  There are many things that I read that mildly amuse me and I would be happy to throw that compliment out.

    Here’s another useful one: “AMML”  Almost Made me laugh.

    Doesn’t that seem like a more accurate reflection of your emotions at reading someone’s blog about Charles Barkley’s DUI.

    (Can I just say, briefly, that the headline I saw for that incident simply said “Barkley arrested for DUI.”  Because I don’t really follow the NBA all that much, I initially assumed they meant that giant orange and white dog on sesame street.  I couldn’t figure out why Barkley had been allowed to drive a car and what could have possibly happened to drive him to the drink.  I assume it was Bert, he always looked like a recovering alcoholic to me)

    Anyway, to help out the kids today, I have compiled a list of useful texting lingo that they should feel free to use.  I think they will find them very helpful and much more representative of their actual feelings.  Feel free to take these and begin using them:

    IHNIWYTA:   I have no idea what you’re talking about

    YSMMATMWICSYF;   You’re so much more attractive to me when I can’t see your face

    YCLMTAYHTIOAR:   Your comments lead me to assume you have the IQ of a rock

    IOTBWBAJWT: I ought to be working but am just wasting time

    TWTDTIER:   That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever read

    PWSVMBWTMCMTLOL: Please will someone validate me by writing that my comments made them laugh out loud

    TNSC:  That’s not spelled correctly

    ISNOABVOAI: I’m still not over Anoop being voted off American Idol

    BOTQOFTCYHWSFITSYFOHTTTCO: Based on the quality of the comments you have written so far, I’m truly surprised you figured out how to turn the computer on

    IWBLOLBRNIICAANRESTBOMC: I would be laughing out loud, but right now I’m in class and am not really even supposed to be on my cellphone

    DYWTGOWM?TYON Do you want to go out with me?  Text yes or no


    I know these are not exactly brief texting acronym thingys, but don’t you feel like they better represent your thoughts and emotions while on the computer.

    I think I would probably use “TNSC” and “IHNIWYTA” all the time.

    I’m sure there are many other great suggestions out there and I would love to hear some of the ideas that would improve your computing experience and make it a more accurate reflection of your true inner self.  So let’s hear them.  Feel free to post the texting shorthand that you are always thinking.

    Oh, and PWSVMBWTMCMTLOL?

    Thanks.

  • Absence Makes the Heart Grow Irrational

     
    I went away this weekend for the first time in about as long as I can remember.  I left my wife and kids and set off for three days alone.

    If you’re imagining three days of drunken male debauchery in Vegas, it’s not quite what you might think.  I was actually travelling to Cincinnati (first strike against me) and I was going to visit two of my best friends who had just given birth to twins.

    So it was less poker tables and staying up till 2 a.m. and more changing tables and getting spit up on at 2 a.m.

    But it was great.  It was wonderful to be around a pair of new parents as they shifted from being hip swinging singles, to being exhausted, bedraggled, blissfully happy parents.  It was great to be able to sing lullabies, help with feedings and demonstrate my patented baby swaddling technique.  It was also a lot of fun to hang out with some old friends and to have a change of pace from my own life of changing diapers, cooking dinner and having to get up early, even if that change of pace was one where I changed diapers, cooked dinner and had to get up early.

    As a stay at home parent, it’s important to get these breaks, because even though it’s a cliché, it’s true: your job never really ends.  When your job is to take care of the kids and to clean the house and to manage the ins and outs of a family, you’re never really off duty.  Sure, things get dramatically easier when your spouse comes home.  And there’s nothing better than those two magical hours between when you put the kids to bed and when you go to bed yourself. 

    But you’re still hanging under the threat of a child waking up and you’re constantly surrounded by a living reminder of all the things you didn’t accomplish - the dirty dishes, the toys on the floor and the piles of laundry are all constant reminders that your job isn’t over (and never will be)

    So, it’s important to get away, because even if you end up getting less sleep and doing pretty much the same things you do at home, it helps to put your own life and family back in perspective.  So let me share with you a few things that I learned / was reminded of in my weekend away.


    1. I love my wife

    Unfortunately, it is easy to take your spouse for granted.  Sarah inevitably gets home in the midst of me cooking dinner, one of the kids screaming and the other two running around like mental patients.  If there’s enough time for a quick peck on the lips before dinner we’re pretty lucky and then if we can get the kids to bed and watch more than half an hour of tv before one of us falls asleep on the couch, we’re even luckier.

    Ah, the life of parents.

    So it’s important to sometimes go away just long enough to remember what it is that you love so much about the woman you married and why those brief moments that you have together are so much more valuable than you realize.  The phrase “she’s my other half” is tacky and cliché and shouldn’t even be uttered between the covers of Hallmark cards, but darn it if it doesn’t turn out to be true.  After almost 12 years she is as much a part of my life as I am and it just doesn’t quite feel right when she’s not around. 

    She completes me. 

    (you may all go vomit now).


    2.   I miss my kids

    There are often moments in my somewhat harried days where all I really want is a few minutes away from my children, whether that’s just a chance to drink a cup of coffee without interruption, or the ability to talk to a telemarketer without needing to simultaneously break up a fight or wipe peanut butter off of the dog , I often just want a couple of moments to myself. 

    (Please Lord, don’t let them find me until I can finish going to the bathroom)

    Which is why, I was really looking forward to this trip, because with an airplane flight and all the waiting that goes along with that I was practically guaranteed at least a few minutes alone.

    Well, I arrived for my flight at 9:30 a.m. last Thursday.  And one cancellation and two delays later, I was still waiting for my plane to take off at 5:30 p.m.  At first, this 8 hour holiday was pleasant.  I listened to music, I read a book, I wandered around the terminal and ate foods I would never normally eat at times I would never normally eat them.  But after a few hours, all I could really think about was my kids.

    Dang it, I missed them.

    I missed Asher’s big goofy smile and hugs that threaten to crush your trachea.  I missed Audra’s incessant talking and dancing around the living room.  And I even missed Micah dragging his blanket around the house, sucking on his thumb and then inexplicably falling on the floor and breaking into screams.

    These beautiful munchkins are a huge part of my life and even though they also represent much of the difficulty and frustration in my days, they are also the catalyst for most of the joy, laughter, smiles and blessed silliness that fills the hours between 7 a.m. and 9 p.m.

    So I spent a good chunk of my airport sabbatical texting the various people who were watching my children and making sure that they were alright.  That doesn’t mean that when I finally got a chance to talk to Audra later that evening that I didn’t tell her “no” when she asked me if I would wait for her while she stopped reading me “The H Book,” and went to the potty, but, let’s be honest you don’t miss everything.


    3. I do miss having a baby

    I miss having a baby.  I miss holding a tiny infant and singing songs in her ear and the sensation of a minuscule body rising up and down as it sleeps on your chest.   I want to be able to swaddle a baby again and walk through the mall with him in a sling.  I miss hauling a 40 pound car seat around on the crook of my arm as it slowly loses blood flow.  And I do dearly miss all of the swings and strollers and burp cloths and cutesy clothes that go along with a tiny human being.

    But I don’t miss it right now.

    Our lives are crazy right now – mostly crazy in a good way, but still really crazy.  And what I don’t miss is hurriedly throwing an infant into a carseat so I can give him a bottle while I’m driving down the highway so we can make it to preschool on time in order to drop off an older sibling in time to go to the grocery store, so we can swing by the community college, drop off the dry cleaning and head home in time for a nap before that magic napping window closes, just so I can fold some laundry and clean the kitchen before the baby wakes up and we need to go pick up everything we just dropped off.

    No, what I miss are the leisurely, peaceful, empty hours of having your first child.  Where you do nothing but stare at their impossibly tiny feet, tickle their eyelashes and spend hour upon hour inhaling that intoxicating smell that rises out of their perfect baby heads.

    I want to be able to enjoy the baby months, not just throw one more kid onto the heap of our lives and rush right back into the chaos.  So, I guess that means I either live vicariously through other people’s babies, or I become one of those crazy parents that has a baby when their other kids graduate from high school and has to attend kindergarten orientation in a hoveround scooter.

     Maybe I’ll just plan a couple more trips out to Cincinnati and call it good.


    4. I miss my Life

    As crazy as our daily existence often is with three kids, three teenagers, an elderly dog, some fish and a house that desperately needs to be updated from the seventies, I really did miss my wacky life while I was away.  I can’t say I missed it a lot, and I can’t say that returning home didn’t carry a hint of imminent exhaustion with it.  But, in general, as I boarded the plane home (this time without an 8 hour delay) I was looking forward to pulling into our garage, snuggling up to my wife in bed, getting up early the next morning to write my blog, making breakfast, getting kids dressed, changing diapers, driving all over creation, cooking dinner and trying to once again gain a few feet forward in that eternal battle to get my house and my life a little more organized. 

    It’s not a prefect life, and there’s a lot of things that I wish were different or better, but it’s a pretty great life nonetheless and it’s filled with some pretty great people, and sometimes you just have to go away for a few days to remember that.

  • It’s Finally Time to Cut It Off

     
    Well, I took my youngest son to get his first haircut yesterday.

    It was long overdue.  His hair was down to his shoulders and we told ourselves that it was cute and that he had a sweet set of baby curls, but the reality is that the boy had a mullet. 

    With that hair, he was just a six pack of Schlitz and a 4 wheeler away from a life of attending monster truck rallies and Billy Ray Cyrus concerts, and nobody wants that for their child.

    We had been holding off on the haircut because Micah took a little extra time to learn to walk (6 extra months!) and we had decided that if we cut his hair, he would look older and people would start asking what was wrong with him, whereas if we kept his baby locks, maybe people would just think he was a 13 month old instead of an 18 month old.

    But last month he finally got the walking thing down, and I was personally tired of the other Dads in our stay at home Dad’s group calling him “Lil’ Billy Ray” and “Micahlina,” so I got up and drove him to our local kid’s haircut place. 

    Micah is an unpredictable child.  One minute he can be happy and the next minute he’s rolling around on the floor crying because you misinterpreted his pointing and offered him an apple instead of a banana (this kid really needs to learn to talk), so I wasn’t sure how the haircut would go.  Would he be happy or crazy as the lady tried to cut his hair?  Would he sit their peacefully, or would he scream and thrash like that kid on the other side of the room?

    As it turned out, he seemed to understand the significance of the moment and he sat quietly through the whole thing.  The lady snipped and used the buzzer and Micah never flinched.  He just sat there, occasionally staring at the TV, occasionally looking down.  I tried to get a picture of him smiling for our baby book, but there was only solemn Micah staring back at me. 

    He seemed to sense that his babyhood was over.

    Micah is our third child and, if my wife has anything to do with it (and I’m told she does), our last.  So I’ve been through two first haircuts already.  My daughter’s wasn’t a big deal, because they just cut an inch or so off her long hair and you could hardly tell the difference. 

    My oldest son Asher was the hardest.  He had this goofy head of thick curls, and cutting his hair instantly turned him from a little toddler to a little boy and it was hard to take.

    In some ways Micah’s transformation wasn’t as significant.  His hair is thin and wispy, so aside from losing the mullet and being able to see his neck, he didn’t look that different.  But looks aside, it was hard to watch it happen.  This was (probably) my last little baby and he, now, officially, wasn’t a baby anymore.

    The first haircut signals the end of babyhood.  It is the day when our little baby Micah becomes a little boy.

    It makes me a little weepy to think that I’ll never hold another  baby of my own in my arms and rock them to sleep. 

    Obviously, there are lots of good things that come with the end of babies, such as the end of getting up in the middle of the night, the end of endless crying and (hopefully, someday) the end of diapers.  But for now it just seems like the end of lullabyes, the end of sweet smelling heads, and the end of goos and gaas..

    This afternoon I’m getting on a plane and flying out to see one of my best friends who just had a pair of twins.  (I won’t be back till Sunday, so no blogs till then kiddos).  And I’m going to have to deal with the double whammy of me suddenly being babyless and then being surrounded by two beautiful sweet new babies that belong to someone else . 

    I don’t know if this will be a good thing and that I will rejoice in holding a baby again, or if it will just reinforce what I have lost, but I do know that as I’m holding baby Abbott and baby Lily, I’ll be thinking about my new little boy Micah.  And as much as I’m going to miss his babyness, I’m really going to be glad that that mullet is gone.

    His future is more important than my Daddy issues.

  • What is Wrong With America

     
    Good Morning. 

    Today we are going to start with a warning.  My topic for today’s blog is tacky, unseemly, offensive and will make you question the sanity of your fellow man.  I know this, because every time I see what I am about to discuss, I feel all of those emotions.

    So, if you are easily offended by rednecks, incredibly stupid people, guys trying desperately to compensate for something or male gentalia, please stop reading and check out last week’s blog about flying kites or something.

    If, on the other hand, you are generally amused by rednecks, incredibly stupid people, guys trying desperately to compensate for something or male gentalia, then I would invite you to read on and share my disgust and indignation for today’s topic.

    Yes, today we’re discussing trucknutz.

    I’ve been resisting this for some time.  I did some research on the topic a few months ago and was so horrified and disturbed by what I found that I decided there was no way I could write about it.  But now that my readership is down in the single digits, I figure, what the heck.

    For those of you who don’t know (and, God willing, that’s the bulk of you), trucknutz are giant plastic (or metal) testicles that inbred, ignorant, mullet wearing, Toby Keith idolizing, tobacco chewing rednecks hang on their trucks just below their trailer hitch.

    At this point, you are likely to be thinking one of three things.

    1.  Oh my gosh!  That can’t be true!  How in the world could anyone be so moronic as to do such a thing.  Why would this nice blogger guy make this up?

    2.  Yes, I’ve seen them.  In my nightmares and while traveling south on I-81 I have seen them and I shudder still from the horrible images they have left imprinted in my brain.

    3.  Oh, that’s what those were

    For those of you who live in more refined areas where Priuses outnumber Ford F-150s you might be unaware of the very existence of these articles, but for anyone living in a rural area or anywhere south of the Mason Dixon (where said inbred, ignorant, mullet wearing, Toby Keith idolizing, tobacco chewing rednecks tend to thrive and reproduce like chain smoking rabbits) you have most certainly seen these items, whether you knew it at the time or not. 

    If you don’t believe me, start checking out the undercarriage of whatever big pickups you pass on the highway. 

    Those aren’t tennis balls.

    Like most normal people, my first encounter with this abomination was when I was driving behind some massive pickup.  I was listening to the Indigo Girls not really paying attention to anything in particular when a glint of something swinging back and forth caught my eye.

    “What the heck is that?  Man, they look just like a pair of….. No, ….. It can’t be!”

    It was at that moment that I knew that the end of society as we once knew it was officially here.  I can’t remember the book of Revelations well enough to recall which sign of the Apocalypse this is, but there must be something about people with confederate flags tying fake testicles to their pick up trucks that indicates that God has finally had enough and is coming back to finish things off.

    Trucknutz are the reason all those Left Behind books were written (Ironic, though, considering lots of people who own trucknutz also own left behind books.  Hmmmm)

    For those of you wondering why I am so casually referring to these balls of abomination as “trucknutz,” let me assure you, this is not of my own doing.  “Trucknutz” is a registered trademark of the inventor (don’t you wish you could work in the patent and trademark office sometimes?)

    In fact, as I began doing some research on this topic, I discovered that there’s a bit of a rivalry between the “trucknutz” people and the “bulls-balls” people. 

    They both want to lay claim to being the “original” and they both claim to have a model that is “heavier” and “swings better.” 

    As you might imagine there is also a bit of an arms race (legs race?) regarding size.  A quick search revealed that if you would like to tie a 16” pair of testicles on to your Chevy Tahoe, you should have no problem attaining something that is the size and weight of a newborn baby.

    It might surprise you (as it surprised me) that there is an unfortunate wide variety of these items available.  They come in a wide range of sizes for everything from motorcycles to monster trucks.  (There’s also a key chain available for….I don’t know, people who want to be a total jerk while inside a store as well as in the parking lot.)

    Furthermore there is a fairly shocking variety of styles available to you.  You can order trucknutz in essentially any color you want.  Do you need a neon green pair to match the paint job on your 87’ Mazda Protégé?  No problem!  Do you need solid black or white for your more dignified Lincoln Towncar?

    Then place your order today!

    These hanging harbingers of horror are also available in plastic, rubber and metal depending on your needs.  There is a lot of talk about the importance of “weight” as it results in different kinds of “swing” some apparently being more realistic than others.  And unfortunately as they have become more popular, more care has been put into the workmanship, and you can now purchase ones with, or without, “veins.”  (I know, I know)

    I swear this is all true.  If at any point you become repulsed and no longer want to read further into this dark descent into the heart of man, then I encourage you to stop.  But if you read on, please know that it gets worse before it gets better.

    As you might expect, once something becomes popular, it’s just a matter of time before there is nothing but an endless stream of rip offs, new styles and accessories that you can buy.

    Among the options are a pair that light up.  You can attach a wire to your brake lights so that they illuminate whenever you brake. (editor’s note:  they’re on sale now for only $49.99!)

    http://www.thatsnutz.com/8-brakenutz™-lighted-nutz-p-196.html

    (For the sake of not horrifying anyone unnecessarily, I am not posting any pictures, but I am posting links, because you do sort of have to see this stuff to believe it).

    There is also a website that sells special locks for your trucknutz.  Apparently there is a trucknutz thievery problem going on, with one redneck stealing plastic balls from another redneck, so a $20 lock is the only real solution (they also recommended superglue – I am 100% serious)

    Another fun accessory that is available (or at least exists) is this:

    http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3152/2674253745_c099936ffd.jpg%3Fv%3D1216233612&imgrefurl=http://flickr.com/photos/48169980%40N00/2674253745&usg=__oCsUJHPdn5tmueytD2t_yE25C7o=&h=500&w=375&sz=70&hl=en&start=247&um=1&tbnid=ZzSY_EEeuMUHAM:&tbnh=130&tbnw=98&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dtrucknutz%26start%3D234%26ndsp%3D18%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1T4GGIH_enUS230US230%26sa%3DN

    Because we all know what happens to trucknutz when they get cold.

    Furthermore, what is the one thing that inbred, ignorant, mullet wearing, Toby Keith idolizing, tobacco chewing rednecks love just as much as fake genitalia?

    America.

    Which is why you can buy this little beauty covered in American flags:

    http://www.bulls-balls.com/images/tnflags.jpg
     
    Although the one that offended me the very very most was this one right here:

    http://www.yournutz.com/store/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=156

    Yes, that’s right.  If you are a patriotic inbred, ignorant, mullet wearing, Toby Keith idolizing, tobacco chewing redneck, you can buy a camouflage painted pair with a yellow ribbon on it.  Because nothing says “support our troops” like something that needs an athletic supporter.

    (Just in a further dose of horror, if you look at that web page more carefully, there is also a “POW / MIA” version.  I can’t even communicate how wrong I think that is)

    I know what you are all thinking.  “This is horrible!”  “How are these inbred, ignorant, mullet wearing, Toby Keith idolizing, tobacco chewing rednecks allowed to drive on our nation’s roadways with a giant plastic pair of you know what’s hanging off their truck?”  “Why isn’t somebody doing something about this?”

    And if you’re like me and you’ve had to answer your daughter’s question “Daddy what are those?” when you pulled into a K-mart parking lot (I knew I should have gone to Target!) then you are ready for someone to finally take a stand for decency, purity and general civility.

    Well, we do have a hero, and in the unlikeliest of places;

    The state of Florida.

    That’s right, the people who brought you Terry Schiavo, the 2000 recount and Donald Duck Orange Juice are finally atoning for their sins.  In June of 2008 they passed a ban on these dangling car-ticiples. 

    http://www.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUSN4O32105020080425

    My favorite thing about the article is the title.  How screwed up must our country be that a respected news organization like Reuters is forced to write the title:

    “State Moves to Ban Fake Testicles on Vehicles”

    I thought we were better than that.

    Recently I came across this lovely article about a small town in South Carolina that is so overrun with these manly menaces that they are enacting similar legislation.  However what excited me most was the offhand mention that Virginia and Maryland (my lovely home state) are also seeking to ban them.

    http://www.wrdw.com/home/headlines/39695697.html

    Nothing could make me prouder than being in a state that decided to ban people displaying testicles in public.  I really don’t think that is too much to ask. 

    So please, call your legislator today and tell them that you want them to take a stand against trucknutz. 

    I’d suggest that the Federal government could work that into their stimulus package as well, but I’m afraid that trucknutz and stimulus are at cross purposes. 

    But at the very least the government should require the owners of these baleful balls to strap on a pair of speedos, I don’t really see why Rt. 50 should ne more graphic than a French beach.

    Well, those are my thoughts for the day.  I hope I haven’t offended anyone too deeply, but if I have, just drive to the nearest Wal-mart and check out the pick up trucks.  I’m sure you’ll see the sack-rilege first hand.   And if you don’t, count your blessings. 

    You must live in Florida.

  • If it’s So Important, Call Willard Scott and Get Your Face on Some Jam

     
    Today is Audra’s 100th Day of School.

    “So what?”  you might ask.

    Yes, I sort of felt the same way.  When I was a kid, you know what we did on the 100th day of school?

    We went to school.

    That’s it.  No parties, no contests, no celebrations.  You just showed up like usual, learned the alphabet and hoped you didn’t get sent to the principal’s office to get paddled.

    The only person who even knew it was the 100th day of school was old Mrs. Johnson, and that’s only because she was counting down the days to her retirement.  “781 days to go!”

    But not at my daughter’s school.  I don’t know if it’s just the DC area or if the whole country has this 100th day of school fetish nowadays, but apparently it’s a pretty big deal.  There are class celebrations and a program and… actually I have no idea what happens, but I know it’s a big deal.  Do you know how I know it’s a really big deal?  Because I got a whole list of things I need to do for it.  Here’s my favorite:

    “To celebrate this day, your child may decorate and wear a t-shirt to school which has 100 items attached or sewn on.  You may choose to use pom poms noodles buttons etc.”

    Are you friggin kidding me?

    You want me to sew 100 buttons onto a shirt?

    100?!!

    That’s a lot of buttons.  I’ve got about 3 shirts upstairs that need one button sewn on to them and I haven’t found the time to do that.  What in the world makes the school think that I’ve got the time to sew 100 buttons on to a t-shirt? 

    (And as a side note, can we examine the word “may,” as in “Your child MAY decorate and wear a t-shirt.”  In this sentence the word “may” means “really has to, because all of the other kids are going to be wearing shirts with bedazzled Swarovski crystals all over them and if you don’t at least break out the puffy paint and draw 100 circles on a shirt you are the worst parent in the world and your child will almost certainly end up with a  career scraping old bubble gum off the bottoms of tables in the food court”)

    “May” my fanny.

    But let’s examine this fun little project a bit closer, shall we.  I mean what exactly has my child learned about me sewing buttons on to their shirt?  That Daddy is a bad seamstress?  That 100 is really a lot because holy crap my shirt looks like it was attacked by a craft store?

    It’s not like you could expect a kindergartener to sew 100 buttons on.  Or, heck, one button.  It’s probably just not a great or plausible idea to be handing out needles to 6 year-olds with undeveloped fine motor skills.  I mean, I’ve seen the girl try to cut a heart out with a pair of scissors, I kind of think threading a needle may be beyond her current skill set.

    Of course, to be fair, the school gave us lots of other options.  I could also sew on pom-poms or….. noodles? 

    Noodles?  Really?  How exactly do you attach noodles to a shirt?  I’m guessing with a hot glue gun, but all I can think about is a kid walking to school with 100 noodles hot glued to their chest and then being attacked and mauled by a passing flock of pigeons. 

    (shudder)

    My favorite part of the letter was this line:

    “Remember your child will have to wear their shirt throughout the day, so pennies would become very heavy.”

    Pennies?  How exactly does that work?  How does one attach pennies to a shirt? 

    I have to assume that this nugget of advice was included because at some point, some crazed parent actually sent their child to school with 100 pennies hot glued to their shirt (probably arranged to form the outline of Abraham Lincoln’s head).  I can only assume that as the day wore on, the child became weaker and weaker from the weight of the pennies until finally they collapsed in the lunch line. 

    I’m imagining it was sort of like a little Guantanamo weight vest torture device for kindergarteners. 

    “Oh, poor Seneca, she was the first casualty of the 100th day of school.”

    (sigh)

    Is it ok if I just staple a dollar bill to my kid’s chest and call it a day?

    I was sharing this upcoming task with some friends of mine who all had their own 100th day of school horror stories. 

    One of my smartest friends figured out a way around the problem.  She copied and pasted 100 smiley faces from the internet onto a word document and then printed it onto some iron-on paper.   Voila!  A 100 days t-shirt.  No sewing involved.

    Another friend was telling me that at their school, her child was supposed to bring 100 things to eat – like a 100 m&ms or 100 skittles or what have you.  Well, theirs is not a house with excess candy, so as she started looking through the cupboards, she realized that there was only 1 item in the house that was edible and that she had 100 of.  So, the morning of the 100th day, she had her daughter sit at the kitchen table and count out 100 rice krispies. 

    I have a very strong image of the rest of the class sitting around counting and then sharing 100 marshmallows or 100 m&ms with their classmates and she’s going around divvying out a single rice krispy to each of her friends.

    Well, we ended up cheating a little bit on this project.  I was talking with Audra about the task and said, “Well what are we going to do about this t-shirt thing?”  and she pipes up and says, “oh, well it doesn’t have to be a t-shirt.  It could be a necklace or a ..”

    “Really?”  I asked eagerly, “It could be a necklace?”

    “Well, yeah, I think so,” She rambled,   “Well, maybe not, maybe it does have to be a t-shirt.”

    “Nope!”  I said, “A necklace sounds perfect!”

    So we went up and dug out a bunch of old beads and combined the leftovers from about three necklace making kits she had gotten over the years and Audra (on her own) strung a necklace with 100 beads.

    My daughter counted out 100 beads.  She strung them herself and then she counted again to make double sure.  I helped, but I didn’t do it.  She did.  My daughter proved that she could count to 100 and that she actually knew the significance of 100 days of school.

    Now, I don’t’ know that that’s all that special, but it’s a lot more valuable than the parent who stays up till 3a.m. burning themselves with the hot glue gun so their kids can hop downstairs in the morning, throw on the shirt and then ride the bus to the school while macaroni after macaroni falls off from brushing against seats, taking off coats or because of stupid mean Tommy Johnson flicking your shirt, so that by the time you get to school, you’re really only celebrating the 83rd day of school.

    Nope, the necklace is the way to go.  And if you don’t like it, I’ve got a shirt with 100 pennies you ought to try on.

  • Oh Enough Already! It’s been 200 years!

     
    If you hadn’t heard, today is President’s Day.

    Normally we care about two presidents on President’s Day – Washington and Lincoln  (we don’t really care about the rest).

    But this year we only care about Lincoln, because it is his 200th birthday.  And, wouldn’t you know it, it is Charles Darwin’s 200th birthday as well.

    Every historian in America figured this out about 2 months ago, which was just enough time to go into overdrive trying to draw comparisons and connections between these two individuals.

    This whole Darwin /  Lincoln thing has been everywhere, on the news, in the papers, on NPR.  Heck, you’d have thought that PBS had been given sole trademark rights to the Muppets they’ve been so excited

    These two mildewing gents have graced the covers of Newsweek and the Smithsonian Magazine as well as Beard Monthly, which named them, collectively, “Best Beards of the 19th Century.”

    The only problem with this little historical coincidence is that the guys really didn’t have much in common aside from the fact that they were both born on the same day. 

    The whole endeavor has felt like a giant 8th grade composition paper.  You know, the one where you think you have a great idea, but when you finally start writing the paper the night before it’s due, you realize you were wrong, but then it’s too late to change it, so you just end up trying to shoehorn your original idea into a bunch of facts where it doesn’t fit.

    “Uh… Hannah Montana is really just like a modern day Jane Eyre, because they both are, uh, …… women and they both have houses, and….. uh….. they both fell in love with men whose crazed wives were kept locked in the attic forever preventing true love from…. wait, that’s not right.”

    It’s the same way with these Linclon / Darwin scholars.  It’s just such an amazing coincidence that these two singularly important men were born on the same day that they must have something in common (you know, aside from being born on the same day).

    “Uh… Lincoln and Darwin, are just like each other, because they both, uh… read books and had beards and….well,… Lincoln saved the Union and Darwin saved small samples of bird skeletons he found when traveling around in a boat, and uh…. they both…uh… had a really high chance of contracting polio as kids but didn’t and  uh…. they had addresses,  Darwin’s was Down House in Kent and Lincon’s was Gettysburg and they….uh….. both had really bad experiences at the theater and…..wait, that’s not right.”

    Anyway, this isn’t even the worst of what’s going on with all of this Linc-Win celebration stuff.  The worst part is that there are lots and lots of other people that share this historic day (Feb 12) and are they getting any love?

    What about Christina Ricci?  She was born on Feb. 12.   I’ve yet to see a single magazine slap her picture up there with Lincoln and Darwin.  Is being in the Addams Family remake just not “important” enough?  Do you have to free the slaves or tick off the entire Bible belt nowadays to get on the cover of Newsweek (no, I didn’t mean the Bible belt was ticked off because the slaves were freed, I meant because of Darwinism…. although, now that I think about it…….)

    And what about Maud Adams?  She was the Bond girl in Octopussy!  For millions of teenage boys born in the 60s that had to be more important than the Origin of the Species.

    And for teenage girls?  Judy Blume was born on Feb 12.  I suspect most 11 year old girls were a lot more shocked about what they learned about themselves in “Are you there God it’s me Margaret?” then when they learned that they were really just high functioning monkeys.

    Heck Senator Arlen Specter was born on Feb 12 and I haven’t heard anyone mention that?  You think someone would let him make a speech or something.  He’s a Senator.

    And try this one on for size.  The tackle for the Oakland Raiders was born on Feb 12 and you know what his name is? 

    Lincoln Kennedy! 

    Can you tell me why we’re not celebrating him on President’s Day?  He’s only got the greatest presidential name ever.  It’s even bi-partisan!

    And of course there are hundreds of others:

    Jackie Torrence - one of the greatest storytellers ever

    Franco Zefferelli (the director who made that version of Romeo and Juliet that you saw in middle school.   You know the one where the teacher had to fast forward through the sex scene, so you wouldn’t know that they actually had pre-marital sex in the play, also because otherwise you would get to see Juliet’s naughty bits.  Of course, if you wanted to get teenage boys to pay attention to Shakespeare, they probably should have left that in (I think it starred Maud Adams)

    Arsenio Hall – he, uh…. I know he did something.  Wasn’t he the one who developed the theory of Natural Selection?  No, that must have been someone else.

    And who could forget the hindu leader Arya Samaj Maha Rishi Dayanand Sarsvati?  (Heck, who could remember him?)

    All I’m saying is that it’s important to remember that other people besides the man who freed the slaves and won the civil war and the man who changed Biological sciences forever were also born on Feb 12, and just because being in Revenge of the Nerds II doesn’t seem quite as important, that doesn’t mean that Andrew Cassesse’s  birthday is any less special to his mommy.

    So please, let us evolve past this preoccupation with Lincoln and Darwin (did you like that?  Evolve?  Get it?)  There are other people born on Feb 12.  Not everyone has to save a country or provide “logical explanation for the diversity of life.” 

    Some of us don’t need the pressure.

    And just because Jimmy Stewart, Cher and Bronson Pinchot (Balki!) were born on May 20th doesn’t mean people should just blow off my birthday to read the Newsweek cover about them.

    Besides, somewhere, lying under one of those little hospital heat lamps are hundreds of brand new babies born on Feb 12, 2009.  Maybe in 2209 all the magazines (or to be more accurate, mind projection news delivery systems) will be showing a cover of two of these babies, and celebrating all that they accomplished (heck, they might even still be alive) and they’re not going to want to share the spotlight with a couple of old bearded guys who happen to be on the penny (and the 2 Pound coin!)

    So make way for Michaela and Logan who knows what they’ll do.  Heck, one might lead the secession of Texas from the USA and the other might prove that natural selection is a bunch of hokum and no one will even care about Lincoln and Darwin anymore.  So while you’re out enjoying your President’s day, watch your back guys, (especially you Lincoln, that clearly wasn’t your forte) because a new generation is coming and they’re not as likely to contract polio in their youth.

  • A Real Dad

     
    I was a real dad yesterday.  Not some pansy, stay at home, diaper changing, toilet scrubbing dad, but a real dad.  The kind you read about in Men’s Health or Dick and Jane Books.

    It was sunny and windy on Wednesday, and being a good father I decided to take my children to go fly kites.

    I’ve always been a big believer in these little spontaneous outings.  Last year, I drove around for two months with a couple of kites in my trunk, just waiting for the perfect day.

    Well, yesterday was perfect. 

    As soon as Audra got home from school I threw all the kids and grandma in the van and we drove out to the park.  At first I wasn’t sure there was enough wind to fly the kites, but as we climbed up the short hill to the soccer field, the wind began to whip across the grass in torrents.

    I knew my kids would have no trouble getting a kite airborne.

    Heck, a one-armed monkey could have flown a kite on a day like this.  (Actually a one armed monkey probably would have gotten tangled in the string and then sucked out into the air by the kite amidst these heavy winds, but that’s probably not relevant.)

    As soon as I got my daughter’s kite assembled, it leapt into the air and began soaring upward.  As long as you could hold on to a string, you could fly a kite today. 

    I quickly assembled my 3 year old son’s kite and handed it to him, carefully showing him how he needed to hold the string with both hands.  He eagerly took a hold of his Thomas the Train kite and thrilled at watching it shoot up into the sky and twist back and forth in the wind. 

    This was the moment, that perfect family moment where the father stands proudly and watches his progeny expertly fly the kites that he had assembled. 

    Where is Norman Rockwell when you need him?

    And then it happened - the inevitable.  Asher’s kite ripped itself out of his hands and began to fly up and away in a tangled twist of tails and string.

    I knew instantly that it had happened, because over the roar of the wind I heard my son scream, followed by him melting into tears as he pointed at the sky calling, “My kite!  My kite!”

    This was it – my big moment.  The chance to be that hero father that every child needs their dad to be.

    “Don’t worry son!” I said.  “I’ll get your kite!” 

    I started running after the kite which had now left the soccer field, had soared over the 10 foot fence of the baseball field and was headed for a forest of trees.

    I was sprinting after the kite.  I could practically feel the red S and blue tights underneath my clothes.

    I ran for what felt like half a mile, but probably wasn’t until I found Asher’s kite.  Poor Thomas the train was lodged in a branch 15 feet in the air, with the string flowing out across three different trees and the string winder hanging limply in the air.

    I pushed through the brambles until I was directly under the kite.  I tried shaking the tree’s branches and leaping in the air, but it was no use, there was no way to reach the kite from the ground.  

    Nope, there was only one solution, I was going to have to climb that tree. 

    I had always been a good tree climber, but as I began pulling myself up through the branches, it occurred to me that I probably hadn’t climbed a tree in 20 years and that it felt like I weighed a little more now.  I was a pretty skinny kid back then and had never needed to give much thought to whether a branch would hold me, but now that I was half way up this somewhat spindly tree, it occurred to me that I, perhaps, should have given that aspect of this plan a little more consideration. 

    But I kept climbing.  My son was counting on me! 

    I reached the top of the tree and began edging myself out onto the limb toward the kite.  I realized that this limb absolutely would not hold me, and while snapping the limb in half would be an effective way to get the kite down, I was pretty sure it might die.  So I just started shaking the limb until the kite wrenched loose and fell to the ground.

    Victory!

    I scrambled (carefully) down the tree, picked up the kite and saw that it was undamaged.  I managed to get the string down as well and then began to run back to the field where my son was waiting, eyes scanning the horizon for any sight of me, longing for the return of his kite.

    Actually he was playing in the dirt, but whatever.

    I entered the field triumphantly, the kite flying like a banner of my manhood behind me.  I ran over to my son and presented him with his kite.  He took it once again as it sailed aloft on these winds of change.

    I took out my camera, eager to capture this moment on film, but I wasn’t fast enough, because about 30 seconds after I handed Asher the kite, it ripped out of his hands again and disappeared into the air.  (The winds really were pretty strong).

    I ran after it and caught it just outside the soccer field and brought it back, but he was done.   He didn’t want to fly the kite, or touch the kite, or hold the kite with me. 

    So I flew it myself.  I had just gone through a lot of effort to get the blasted thing, after all. 

    But that’s not the point.  The point is that I had just completed one of the quintessential roles of the father.  I had rescued a kite from a tree.  I could feel the testosterone coursing through my veins.  This was the kind of the thing that the cavemen fathers used to do for their sons (except it was probably a pterodactyl tied to a string made out of prehistoric beaver intestines).

    Yes, I was a man.  A man’s man.

    And then I went home and made a London broil with a delicate, creamy béarnaise sauce with just the right amount of tarragon.

    Because, you know, no matter how manly I become, I’m still a stay at home Dad, after all.

  • The Pen is Mightier than the Sword, but the Sword’s Probably Worth More

     
    I read a very depressing article yesterday.  It was basically about how, no matter how hard you work, or how great your blog is, you’re never going to make any money.

    http://www.newsweek.com/id/183666

    Well great!

    The article is basically about this guy named Daniel Lyons who quit his job and worked all day long hoping to get rich writing a blog.  He would post things 10 times a day and was slowly building a following.  Then one month he broke a big story, got famous and had 1.5 million hits. 

    His check that month: $1,039

    Wow, so if he can sustain 1.5 million people a month reading his blog for a whole year, he could almost make as much as the cashier at McDonalds

    That’s not bad money if you already have a job and you’re just trying to make some money on the side, (for instance, if you’re already gainfully employed as a cashier at McDonalds) but if you’re working 8-12 hours a day writing a blog as a full time job, then I’m afraid you’re in trouble. 

    Lyons basically concludes that writing a blog can be interesting and maybe even fun, but you’re never going to get rich.

    And, so all of this leads back to me.

    Ahem.

    Let’s review some of the facts.  Daniel Lyons had 1.5 million people reading his blog each month.

    According to my blogsite, yesterday I had 5.

    Only 1,499,995 to go.

    A week or so ago I emailed my boss and asked about my W2 for the year.  She politely  informed me that they were not required to send out W2s for people who earned less than $600 a year.

    Ouch. 

    I don’t know that I ever intended to get rich writing a blog.

    But I wasn’t opposed to it. 

    So, I’ve been doing some reassessment lately.

    I clearly haven’t been doing this for the money, but still.  Must true art always suffer from lack of financial support?

    And then I came across another article that just might have the financial solution I’ve been looking for. 

    http://redtape.msnbc.com/2009/02/blogger-cash4go.html

    This is an article about a blogger who wrote a story about the company “cash4gold.”  For those of you who missed their unbelievably tacky Superbowl commercial starring BFFs Ed McMahon and M.C. Hammer, this is a company that asks you to mail in your gold and then they will send you back a check for it.

    Anyway, this blogger had a friend that had a few gold necklaces that he had appraised at a pawn shop for $180.  He sent them into Cash4Gold and got a check for $60.  This guy then called up Cash4Gold and complained and they balked and sent him a check for $180.

    So, anyway, this blogger gets a hold of this little mini-conspiracy posts the story and it starts to spread.  Soon, lots and lots of people are reading this obscure blog about how Cash4Gold may not be in the business out of pure generosity.  (who’d a thunk it?)

    But the capper to this whole saga is that as the blog started to get more and more hits, Cash4Gold apparently got nervous and offered the author of the blog “several thousand dollars” to take the post down!

    Wow, can you believe the nerve of that company?  It’s despicable!

    It also gives me an idea. 

    I could nontuple my annual income if I could get some company to bribe me not to post unseemly information about their organization.  So I’ve been trying to think back to all the unseemly things I know about companies.

    Let’s see. 

    • I once had to wait 20 minutes in a Wendy’s drive through

    • It took Bray and Scarrf 3 months to repair my oven.

    • In 1991 the manager at the Video Depot falsely accused me of breaking a videotape.

    • I was at Ruby Tuesday once and told them that the sweet tea tasted like it was spoiled, but I don’t think they believed me.

    • When I was 7, I got a happy meal that didn’t have a toy in it.


    Well, I think all of that is worth a few thousand bucks, don’t you?

    So, please forward this to all your friends so we can create some appropriate outrage and I can get paid.  

    Hey, it’s a down economy.  Bribery’s about all we’ve got left.

  • You Can Never Have Enough Chips, Orange Juice or Mayonnaise

     
    I bought half a gallon of mayonnaise yesterday.

    I had been resisting doing this, because, well,  there’s something about just looking at that much mayonnaise that can sort of makes me sick to my stomach.

    It just seems wrong to own that much mayonnaise.

    But we needed it.

    I have been trying to resist for months.  I’ve been buying mayonnaise in packs of three and trying to keep some on the ready in the pantry, but it just couldn’t be done.  I would think we had plenty of mayonnaise (I mean, how could we not?  I had just bought three packs of it!) and then I would go looking and there would be none.

    Truly, the only decision was whether to buy the half gallon of mayo or just give in completely and buy the gallon size.  Because, as you may have guessed, we have teenagers in the house.  Teenagers who clearly, given their druthers, would eat mayonnaise on their cereal.

    I personally need about 3 ounces of mayonnaise a week.  I think that would be sufficient to get my wife and three kids through our average weekly allotment of sandwiches.  But I would say that the teenagers we have staying with us (and I am 100% serious here) probably average a mayonnaise intake of 10 ounces a week.  Each!

    If you’ve done the math, you’ve realized that this half gallon of mayo isn’t going to last us as long as you might have thought.

    When we offered to let these three former students of mine stay with us, we knew that there would be some expenses.  Clearly feeding, housing, clothing and transporting three 19 year olds is not cost-free.  But I truly had no idea about the expenses on the grocery front.

    You see, I tend to cook too much food in general.  Somewhere along the way I became paranoid about not having enough food at meals.  And not just enough food for everyone to get some, I wanted to make sure that there was enough food for everyone to have as much as they wanted. 

    You want seconds?  Thirds?  By all means, we have plenty!  Hey, someone needs to eat these last couple of pork chops!

    So I wasn’t real worried about dinner.  I just figured that I would cook slightly more than my neurosis normally commanded me to cook and then we would have plenty.  And, by in large, this turned out to be true.  We did have an incident last week where we ran out of mashed potatoes after everyone had eaten seconds and I thought to myself, “oh, I hope Jessie didn’t want thirds.”  But this is more the exception than the rule.

    What’s killing me are all the other meals and the meals between meals - primarily because there’s a fair amount of unpredictability to them. 

    You see, teenagers are not like normal people.  They do not wake up, have cereal, go do some work, eat lunch, do some work and then have dinner, watch tv and then go to bed. 

    They do most all of those things, (except for the “work” part) but in a completely random order.

    One of our teens is in college, but only two days a week, and the other two are trying to find jobs, with no skills or education in a down economy (really, really hard).  So they tend to sleep till 3:00, then get up and make a big ham sandwich with lots of mayo for breakfast and then microwave it.  (I don’t know if it’s just me, but there’s something about microwaving mayonnaise that makes me really uncomfortable).  Then they’ll watch some TV, come up eat dinner, do some dishes, then make another big sandwich and then watch some tv and then come upstairs in the middle of the night and eat 6 bowls of cereal, wash their hair with orange juice, take whole bags of chips and feed them to the squirrels, fry baloney to wear as homemade yarmulkes, make popcorn to string as decorations, pour out gallons of milk to create a waterbed for the dog…..

    I don’t know what they do, I just know that I go to bed and there’s food and I wake up and it’s gone.

    I would say that in an average week, we consume:

    5 gallons of milk
    3 gallons of orange juice
    4 boxes of cereal
    5 loaves of bread
    4 pounds of ham
    1 quart of mayonnaise
    2 cases of soda
    8 bags of chips
    6 gallons of sweet tea
    9 pounds of bananas
    6 pounds of apples

    That doesn’t mean that we always have that much food to eat, but if we did, I think that’s how much we’d go through.

    Scratch that.  We’d go through far more bags of chips if I could afford to buy them.


    The bizarre thing is that if you removed the teenage component, I’d say you could divide that list up there by 5 and that’s how much my little family would go through - 1 gallon of milk, 1 loaf of bread etc.  (heck, you could divide the mayonnaise intake by 10 or 20.

    It’s gotten to the point where every time I’m at the store, no matter what store it is (grocery store, target, gas station) I buy a gallon or two of milk, a loaf of bread, and any cereal or chips that are on sale.

    There are upsides of course. 

    I never have to check expiration dates.  “Heck just throw it in the cart.  It doesn’t matter if the milk expires this afternoon, we’ll drink it!”

    I also am pretty much free to buy everything at a warehouse club without any fear that some of the food will go to waste.

    “I see that sour cream is available in a quart size.  Well, I guess we better pick up two of those!”

    We buy things in bulk that I’m sure nobody outside of restaurants and families with septuplets would ever buy in bulk, such as a gallon of parmesan cheese, quarts of ricotta, 5 pounds of dried pasta.  5 pounds each of peas, corn and green beans all at the same time. 

    And it’s true, things don’t go to waste.  Well, that’s not completely true, the black bean sweet potato burritos I made were not received well.  Apparently I forgot to deep fry them and stuff them with meat.

    That is one of the funny things about feeding these teens from Mississippi.  I give the kids credit for trying new flavors.  I grew up in the south and I know for a fact that most southern cook’s spice rack consists of both salt AND pepper, but that’s about it.  So, kudos to these kids for trying (and often liking) basil and béarnaise sauce and cumin, but I do feel some pressure to balance these exotic tastes with meals that they may like.

    I feel like my eternal challenge is to create interesting, palatable meals that appear to just be meat and potatoes.

    I remember one time Aloysius was eating a roma tomato, olive oil and basil pasta I had made.  I asked him whether he liked it and he said:

    “Yeah, but you know what would really make this good?  - Some chicken!”

    I’m just glad he didn’t say mayonnaise.  We can’t afford it.

  • Foiled Again Phil!

    Last week, Punxsutawney Phil, that insipient seer, that pretentious prophet, that odious oracle, said that we're going to have 6 more weeks of winter.

    Man, I hate groundhogs.

    I don’t know if you’ve seen Slumdog Millionaire, but I’ve got an idea on how to keep Phil from seeing his shadow next year.

    Although I do have to say – if I had to have that scary guy with the handlebar mustache grab me with his wife’s oven mit and point me at all the cameras from “Action 5 News! Live!  And On Your Side!”   I might be inclined to give a little bad news myself.

    Well, I don’t know about the next 5 weeks, but Phil sure missed the ball on this weekend.  I can’t speak for the rest of the country, but here in our little corner of Maryland, we just had a gorgeous couple of days.  Temperatures soared up to almost 70 degrees at times and I kept lamenting that I wasn’t wearing shorts.  I lamented even more that my wife wasn’t wearing shorts.  And I lamented even more than that, inexplicably, Mr. Jenkins, from down the road, was wearing shorts.

    And, unlike some sad teenagers in our basement who spent the weekend sleeping and watching ESPN, we decided not towaste this little miracle of global warming.  No, we spent the whole weekend out and about.

    Or if you prefer the Canadian:  Oat in a boat.

    Saturday, we went to the National Portrait Gallery in DC.  If you haven’t been, it is definitely worth the trip.  The building was closed for forever and a day while they renovated it and it just reopened last year.  It is a truly beautiful space with an extraordinary collection.

    It is also, apparently, run by hungover college students.

    We drove into DC, lucked into a rockin’ parking space on one side of the building, and then spent 20 minutes trying to interpret the logic puzzle that is the DC parking meter. 

    “This space is for handicapped only, all others must pay.  Hours apply Monday through Saturday.  Saturday is excluded”

    And then, around 11:25, we made our way up to the entrance to the museum.  We stepped inside, only to be told by a security guard that the museum was closed.

    My first thought was “well clearly not, since we just opened the door and walked inside.” 

    My second thought was “what do you mean the museum’s not open?  It’s 11:25 on a Saturday.  Everything is open.”

    Yes, everything except the portrait gallery. 

    All the other museum’s opened at 10:00.  Heck there were bars in the area that opened at 11:00.  But the portrait gallery does not open until 11:30. 

    “Well, can we at least wait in the lobby for the next 5 minutes?”

    No.  No, we could not.  It is very important that we stand outside for 5 more minutes.  They will let us know the museum is open by not unlocking the already unlocked doors. 

    So we went outside and stood around with the other people who were milling about awkwardly. 

    The museum turned out to be a wonderful, if brief visit.  They just recently acquired the Shepherd Fairey Obama painting that became such an icon of the campaign.  This is definitely worth seeing.  It is approximately 6 feet tall and has a lot more detail than you may have seen on that guys’ illegally printed t-shirts being sold on the corner.

    The gallery also has Laura Bush’s official portrait that was just completed last year.  It is a lovely, impressionistic portrait that captures her style and presence perfectly.

    My other highlight from the museum was a new exhibit where someone (if I cared who the artist was, I’d look it up and tell you, but I don’t) ordered license plates from all 50 states that spelled out the preamble to the constitution.  Here’s what the first line looked like:

    WE TH * P PUL * OF TH * U NI * DIDD * ST8S

    Very cool.
     
    But the nicest part of the Portrait Gallery is their courtyard.  As part of 2,000 year 500 billion dollar renovation, they covered the courtyard with a beautiful glass canopy that easily makes it one of the nicest places in the city to sit and drink a latte. 

    The courtyard’s most peculiar feature are these long stretches of pavement where they have water running across the floor. It’s sort of like a fountain, but more like a leak.

    I wish I could explain that better, but that is truly what it is.  They have these four large rectangular panels that look like someone forgot to turn the spigot all the way off.

    You can walk across them, although I don’t know why you would.  But, needless to say, the kids loved them.  It’s not every day you’re allowed to walk through a puddle inside a museum.  Somehow my son managed to soak his shoes, socks, and bottom 6 inches of pants in the 3 millimeter deep water.  But that’s why God invented dryers, right?

    And then we went home. 

    We probably only saw a quarter of the  museum, but what can I say.  I have three kids under 6 and we were looking at art.  I thought we did pretty good.

    On Saturday the temperature soared even higher and, right after church, we headed up to the zoo.

    As it turns out, we were not the only ones who had this idea.  It looked like half of DC had been released from the tyrannical grip of their Northern Face jackets, and were all out jogging and biking and exercising as if this might be their last chance to avoid neoprene in their lifetime.

    The zoo was wonderful and it just felt so good to be outside in the warm air and  sunshine.  And we were not alone in this feeling.  The seals looked like they were lounging on the Lido deck of a Carnival Cruise ship.  They were just lolling in the sunshine like decadent, obese women on holiday.

    The gorillas also appeared to be enjoying their first time outside in months, as they reclined on tree limbs stretched out along the grass slopes and generally looked like their only concern was when that darn steward would return with their pina colada.

    Following the zoo we returned home for naps and then spent the early evening riding bikes in the driveway.  We were only a watermelon and jar of fireflies away from August. 

    It was really nice. 

    Every year we get these little miracle respites in the middle of winter and I have always been a big believer in seizing them.

    I mean, that marrow’s not going to suck itself.

    These are the days to pull your kid out of preschool, take the day off and go for a bike ride, or visit the zoo, or even journey downtown to a museum.  Work and school will be there tomorrow, but this glorious warmth will not.  So seize the moment while it is here, because who knows what next week will be like.

    And according to this Pennsylvania rat that I know, it’s going to be really dang cold.

  • Pat Summit has Won 1,000 Games More Than I Have

     
    In general, I’m not much of a sports fan (and yet this is my second athletically oriented blog of the week – how odd) 

    In fact, as a fairly ignorant non-sports fan, I’m always finding myself asking increasingly stupid questions:

    “I thought the Cardinals were in St. Louis.  They are?  You mean there are two teams that chose a wussy little bird as their mascots?”

    “Explain to me again what Utah has to do with Jazz.”

    “I thought the Lakers were in LA.  They are?  Well then who are the Clippers?  Oh.  Well what do Lakes or Clips have to do with LA?”

    “I can’t remember.  Are the Phillies the hockey team or the football team?  Oh.”

    As you might imagine, I’m not much of an athlete myself either.  When I used to play basketball with one of my best friends, Elisa (who just had twins.  Yea!), we used to play this game called HORSE.  I always insisted that the game was actually called HOARSE, because I needed the extra chance, but she still always beat me.

    Anyway, sports have just never really been my thing.  My parents were more likely to stay up late playing the accordion and listening to Garrison Keillor than watching football.  Heck my parents were more likely to go skydiving naked while playing the accordion with Garrison Keillor than to watch football.

    But in college, somehow I fell in love with a girl who played soccer.  I’m pretty sure it had something to do with the cut of those soccer outfits. 

    Go Drew Rangers!

    So, anyway, I watched a lot more soccer than I ever had before and began to even enjoy the sport some, especially if it was a game where someone actually scored.

    After we got married, we started following the Women’s National Soccer Team back in it’s golden era with Mia Hamm and Brandi “can’t keep her shirt on” Chastain.

    Somehow this led to us tuning into the Women’s NCAA basketball tournament.  I guess if I had married a man I might have watched the men’s tournament, but I didn’t, so for the last decade I’ve been a fan of the women’s game and have become familiar with the stars, the coaches and the powerhouse schools.

    I went to high school in a little town about an hour and a half from the University of Tennessee and, even as a sports outsider, I knew that Coach Pat Summit and the Lady Vols were a big deal.

    I remember being at my aunt’s house in Memphis after she had just finished a biography of Summit.  She told us, with a sense of mortified awe, how Pat Summit had been 9 months pregnant on a recruiting trip to Pennsylvania when her water broke.  She rushed to the team jet and began to fly back home.  Apparently the pilot wanted to make an emergency landing in Virginia to deliver the baby, but Summit refused.  Virginia had knocked them out of the final four the year before, and Summit wanted her son to be born in Tennessee where he could be immediately surrounded by Tennessee Volunteer fans wearing UT Orange.

    I remember thinking, Man, this woman is kind of crazy.  And kind of awesome!

    The next year we were watching the tournament when the Vols got knocked out early in the sweet sixteen.  Since the tournament began, the Vols have never gotten knocked out before the sweet sixteen and Summit was clearly a bit miffed that her team had cut it so close.  In the press briefing after the game, she went on TV, and said, “I am more disappointed in this team, than I am for this team.”

    Holy Crap!

    I think I like her, because she kind of scares me.  (What does that say about me?)

    But besides being tough, Summit is clearly dedicated to her team and her school.  She has a 100% graduation rate for her team at a time when the men’s average is 61%.  She has been at UT since they formed a team and before the Women even had a tournament.  She has refused repeated offers to go to other schools and repeated offers to coach men’s teams or professional teams. 

    And she looks damn good in orange, which is probably the hardest part of the job if you ask me.

    She has been in the final four 18 times and won the Championship 8 times. 

    In 2005 she surpassed some male coach’s win record (Dean Smith anyone?) and became the winningest Division 1 coach ever.

    And then yesterday she just won her 1,000th game.  (the second highest winner is Bob Knight with 902 and he’s retired)

    And the thing is, she’s not that old and she doesn’t seem to want to retire.  She’s only 56 and could easily coach for another 20 years.  It’s hard to imagine anyone ever catching her win record. 

    Now, knuckle dragging, inbred, redneck, mouthbreathers could probably question the value of this milestone  (if you want to read some really scary comments and remind yourself why sexism isn’t quite dead, read some of the comments at the end of this foxsports article.  So, so, so scary:  http://msn.foxsports.com/wcbk/story/9186724/Summitt-gets-milestone-1,000th-win&MSNHPHCP&gt1=39002 )

    Yes, Pat Summit started at the very beginning of the women’s game.  It’s unlikely that anyone will ever become a head coach as young as Summit, who was 22 when she was given the job.  She also had the advantage of starting at the beginning of a rising sport. 

    She was there when Title 9 took effect and had established one of the early dominant teams when the Women’s NCAA tournament began.  But, when the men’s game began every male coach at the time also had these advantages and no one has ever come close to what Summit has accomplished.

    She has never had a losing season.

    Never?  Can you imagine?

    I have a little girl.  Granted, she’s in the third percentile for height, has virtually no athletic ability whatsoever and would much rather sing the national anthem before a basketball game (or, God forbid, be a cheerleader) than play on the team, but still it makes me proud.

    Even if my dainty Audra were good enough to play for Coach Summit, I think I’d be a little hesitant to send her (did I mention that Pat scares me) but to have the knowledge that you were handing over your little girl to someone who would take care of her, make sure she graduated and might even help her win a national championship?  That’s pretty extraordinary.  Heck as a standout on the Lady Vols, you might even end up being drafted for the WNBA and making $34,500 a year!  (Wow, almost as much as a teacher!)

    Pat Summit’s team isn’t very good this year.  Apparently the sport peoples call this a “rebuilding year.”  But anyone who’s watched Summit coach knows not to count her out.  I can’t say I have my hopes up, but I’m looking forward to watching UT in the tournament this year as she racks up her 1001, 1002, and 1003 wins.  (ad infinitum) 

    So, even if you don’t know anything about Pat Summit, even if you don’t care about the University of Tennessee and even if you’re as ignorant of women’s sports as I am of all the other sports, just take a second this morning to raise a glass to good ol’ crazy, scary Pat Summit and this extraordinary accomplishment.

    And make sure it’s a glass of orange juice.

     

     

     

     

  • She Likes the Bad Boys

     
    My 6 year old daughter recently got switched to a new Kindergarten class. 

    Apparently, half way through the year, someone finally got around to doing a head count and realized that there were too many kids in the kindergarten classes so they brought in a new teacher. 

    Audra seemed fine with it and I didn’t mind too much either.  In her old class there was this one crazy boy who got mad at her and punched her in the face once because she was the door holder and he wanted that job (I think that’s how the NY senate appointment process worked).

    I was obviously upset that my daughter had been assaulted by a miniature male Naomi Campbell, but tried to be cool about the whole thing.  I’ve been a teacher, after all, and I know how this stuff happens.  Needless to say I wasn’t too upset that Audra was getting moved to a different class.

    I was talking with a friend who wondered aloud why Audra had been chosen to switch classes.  I told them that I was pretty sure all the teachers looked at their class list and tried to pull the children whose parents were least likely to raise a fuss.  There’s no doubt in my mind that they looked at Audra’s name and said, “Well, she got punched in the face and her parents didn’t do anything, so let’s move her.”

    Once a doormat, always a doormat.

    Anyway, so Audra is in this new class.  She seems to like her teacher and is doing fine.  She’s always easily adapted to new situations and this seems no different.  I only have one concern. 

    Let’s call him Bobby.

    We’re sitting at the dinner table and Audra, who normally talks all the way through dinner, piped up and said, “Bobby thinks I smell good.”

    My wife, Sarah, and I both looked at each other.

    There’s something about a kindergarten boy telling a kindergarten girl that she “smells good” that is both really sweet and a little creepy.

    “How did he know what you smelled like?” my wife asked.

    Audra demonstrated for us.  “He came over to me like this,” (Audra stood up and got about 3 inches away from Sarah’s nose) “and then he smelled me.”  (Here, Audra takes a deep sniff) “and then he told me that I smelled good.”

    I swear it’s getting creepier in here by the second.  If she tells me that he did that Hannibal Lecter thing with his tongue at her, I’m calling the cops.

    Now, on one hand, this is all well and good.  I remember the little girl I was boyfriend / girlfriend with in Kindergarten.  Her name was Ceiley and She had black hair, and although I don’t recall for certain, I’m pretty sure she smelled good.

    I remember she came over to our house for dinner one night and I had set up my batcave (which was essentially a sheet over a card table) and after dessert, when no one was looking, we went inside the batcave and  kissed - just once.  Oh, it was heaven.

    But then she left me for a first grader.

    Anyway, so I know that this isn’t necessarily a big deal, but there is something that worries me a little bit. 

    Apparently Bobby is a bit of a bad boy.

    Audra came home yesterday and said, “I was on superstar all day long!” (for those of you without kindergarteners, each class has a behavior chart with red yellow and green cards in it and every time they misbehave they have to move to the next color.  Audra’s class apparently also has the opportunity to go above and beyond and get a superstar)

    So Audra was on superstar. 

    Excellent.  She darn well better be. 

    But then she goes on to say, “And Bobby was on Yellow!”  She said this as if this was a really good thing.

    “What color is Bobby usually on?”

    “Oh, you know, yellow, red, sometimes green.”

    “Does Bobby get in trouble a lot?”

    “Well, sometimes.”

    Now, I’ve never met Bobby, but the visual image of a 6 year old in a leather jacket with a pack of cigarettes rolled up in the sleeve of his t-shirt riding up to school on his “power-wheels” Harley is stuck indelibly in my mind.

    Why does it have to be the bad boys that like my little girl?

    Isn’t this like every teen movie I’ve ever seen.  The pretty, clean, nerdy, straight-A student falls in love with the kid who’s always getting caught smoking behind the dumpster and keeps a comb in his back pocket for sculpting his ducktail. 

    “Ah, Mister Kah-Tare!

    Yesterday, while I was painting the trim in our foyer, Audra came in and announced, giggling, “I think Bobby loves me!”

    “Really?” I said.  “And do you love him?”

    “Of course I do!” she announced smiling.

    Great.

    So, I launched into a mini-lecture about how she’s too young to be in love and it’s fine just to be friends and that she should tell Bobby to stop smelling her because it makes her daddy uncomfortable.

    I don’t know if any of that conversation will take, but I do know that if we ever get invited over to Bobby’s house and he has his batcave assembled, we are not staying for dessert.

  • The Million Dollar Man

     
    Every once in awhile I’ll come across an article that talks about the real “value” of a stay at home mom.  (It’s never about a stay at home dad, or even a genderless “stay at home parent,”  - no one cares about us).

    I’m sure you’ve seen these articles.  They’re usually reported in parenting magazines and talk about how if you had to hire someone to do all the amazing things a stay at home mom actually did, then you would have to pay them hundreds of thousands of dollars.

    Here’s an example:  http://www.salary.com/aboutus/layoutscripts/abtl_default.asp?tab=abt&cat=cat012&ser=ser041&part=Par499

    They usually compile this number by saying that a mom is a business manager, an accountant, a teacher, a psychologist, a driver, a personal shopper, and blah blah blah.  And then you add the salaries for all those jobs together and you get a salary of 14 billion dollars or something.

    Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    I know why they do this.  It makes all the cranky, defensive stay at home moms, who used to be high powered executives feel better about their new vocation.

    “Look at that!  If I were to get paid as a mom, I would be making more now than I did when I was the CEO of Citibank!”

    I feel like a lot of this is just to make people feel better and to provide one more grenade in the mommy wars.  (Incoming!  I make more than you do!)

    It’s the kind of thing my wife and I joke about a fair amount.  She’ll come home and talk about the raise she just got as a lawyer and I’ll pat her on the back and say, “don’t worry honey, someday, you’ll make as much as I do.”

    It’s all so ludicrous, because as much as we’d like to believe that a stay at home parent is worth $134K we all know, deep in our hearts, that we could hire a Bulgarian exchange student to nanny our kids for $200 a week and three pairs of “Real American Blue Jeans!”

    So, because of this, I have tended to deride these silly “mommy salary” calculations.

    Well not any more!

    Recently, I had a revelation that maybe I am worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. 

    As I’m sure you’ve all heard, Tom “Sally Jesse Raphael” Daschle just got nailed for not paying $130K in taxes on a car and driver for the last 2 years. 

    Let’s stop and think about that for a second.  He didn’t forget to pay $130K for a driver, he forgot to pay $130K in TAXES on the driver.  That means that the car and driver were worth at least three times as much as that. So, let’s say the car and driver were paid $400K (for the sake of easy math.)  That’s $200K a year!  And unless they were driving a Lamborghini or the moon rover, the bulk of that was not in the car.

    Let’s be crazy generous and say that Tom Daschle bought a brand new town car and spent $25K a year on maintaining it.  That still means the driver got paid over $150K a year for driving Tom to his advising “job” at a law firm, to Manhattan to give speeches to rich people and to a dozen different Lenscrafters to find just the right shade of red.

    I put 50K miles on our minivan last year.  I know I drove more than Tom Daschle’s driver. 

    So forget whatever I should be earning as a housekeeper, therapist, chef and blah blah blah.  In my job as personal chauffeur alone, I’m pushing myself into the top tax bracket. 

    Boy! Just think how much we could earn if both me AND my wife stayed home, we’d be millionaires!

    So in conclusion:

    1.  Stay at home parents really are worth approximately 14 billion dollars each

    2.  Tom Daschle is a total nuggnuts for not paying his taxes and I hope he gets beaten up by some South Dakota militia who steal his glasses and manhood.

    3.  I deserve a little more respect around here for my substantial financial contribution to this family.

    4.  I would throw everything away for the chance to be Tom Daschle’s driver - That’s some good money.

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