I am off on a grand adventure, if you can call driving to Kentucky with three small children a grand adventure. Well, you can definitely call it an adventure - the “grand” part is still up for debate.
Luckily, our kids are well adapted to long distance travel.
We have always been a “car” traveling family. Our motto is “why fly in a plane when you can accomplish the same trip by driving for 16 hours.” (Basically, we’re just cheap) If they built a bridge to Europe, you better believe we would take it (unless it had tolls, then we might take the side roads)
The fact that our family is spread throughout the Eastern half of the U.S. has helped us develop long distant travel into a real art. Our family is just far wnough away that it’s a major trip, but not so far that we can justify buying 5 plane tickets. So we drive. And let me tell you, we know how to do it right. I can pack half our life into a minivan if necessary, I am always well stocked with tasty snacks and treats and I have a first hand knowledge of every rest stop, McDonalds and clean bathroom along I-81.
Not that we ever use them.
Bathroom breaks are a huge time suck. Did you know that the average bathroom break takes 33 minutes? This scientifically unproven fact is because people never just go to the bathroom. They want to stretch their legs, or get a snack, or get something to drink, which (guess what) just makes them want to got to the bathroom again.
I suppose I learned about the dangers of bathroom breaks while traveling as a child. My Dad knew how time consuming a bathroom break could be. Whenever I said I needed to go to the bathroom, I was handed a half gallon milk jug. (ed. Note: back then, seat belt laws were a little looser and cars usually had rubber floor mats)
Times are different nowadays. Apparently the cops don’t take kindly to you having your six year old stand up in the back of the car and urinate in dairy containers while you travel down the road at 70 miles an hour? (Especially if she’s a girl)
What is the world coming to?
Now don’t get me wrong. If my child told me that they needed to go to the bathroom, I’m not the kind of Dad that would tell them to hold it “just until we get to the hotel in a few hours.” I’m not an animal. Now, I might sigh deeply, roll my eyes and recite a short oral essay on how I “told you to go when we stopped for lunch 4 hours ago!” but I would still pull off, probably even at the next exit.
But you don’t have to be the crazed father to avoid restroom stops. It just takes planning. Yestreday when we drove 8 hours from East, TN to West Kentucky, we made one stop. And there were no complaints. No one asked to go to the bathroom. No one even needed to, well except our youngest in diapers, and who cares about that?
So, here are a few simple steps you can take to ensure that your next trip can be virtually bathroom free.
1. Limit beverage intake to a minimum – there’s no point in your kids sitting back there sucking down gallon after gallon of fluid, ripening their bladder for explosion. Did you know that the average human can survive for a week without water? Surely they can survive till grandma’s house! (unless she lives more than a week away, in which case, that is a very awkward arrival – “Hi honey! Where are the kids?” “uh…..”
2. If the kids must drink, give them thick beverages – Let the kids drink milkshakes and V8 and guava juice. Have you ever tried to pass guava juice? Virtually impossible.
3. Provide lots of salty snacks – Of course your kids have to drink some beverages, you’re not cruel, so give them something to suck up some of that water. Did you know that the salt on the average potato chip can absorb 6 ounces of apple juice? Just keep those kids eating Pringles and combos. Sure, they’ll swell up like a giant grape and risk serious medical complications later in life, but isn’t that worth it if it means getting to Disney World 33 minutes earlier?
4. Distract them! – The in-car DVD player is the greatest invention ever. I don’t care what you say. Yes, the pacemaker was nifty and we all have a special place in our hearts for the space shuttle (ok, and the pacemaker) but truly the greatest invention since time immemorial is the in-car DVD player. What else can keep your kid entertained for 8 hours straight while you drive through Kansas? A book? Don’t’ make me laugh. Our kids watch very little TV at home, so they actually look forward to long car rides. We go to the library, load up on DVDs and hit the road. The kids get so absorbed in what they’re watching that they never realize that they need to go to the bathroom. They’re just sitting there happy as a clam until I stop for Gas four hours later and turn the car off. Then all of a sudden, as the kids re-enter reality, a wash of panic floods over their face and they all say, “Oh my gosh! I need to go potty!”
5. Don’t bring your wife – This is the primary rule to any effective car trip. You see, my bladder was trained. I grew up knowing that we only stopped the car once between South Florida and Memphis and that was only for gas and to spend the night. And then in High school, I learned to go 8-10 hours at a time without using the bathrooms because they were just too scary. I knew three people who went in to use the bathroom and never came back out. Oh, but not my wife. Her family didn’t travel much and she went to a nice small friendly high school where it was safe to use the bathroom. Needless to say, she has the bladder the size of a walnut, and she can fill it up just from the excess saliva that comes from chewing a stick of Dentyne. My 3 kids, however, have my super human ability to subvert nature and carry a half gallon with us for an extended period of time. It is a skill that comes in very handy when traveling on long trips or while hiding from Nazis. So leave the wife at home or make her fly separate. It’s well worth it.
So, there you go. Next time you are planning that 20 hour trip to Branson, MO, use these 5 simple tips and you’ll be there in no time.
And if all that fails, you can always bring along some milk jugs.