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Better Off Dad

I am a stay at home dad. That’s pretty much all I am. I used to be other things before I started staying home with my kids. But now I’m just a stay at home dad, or SAHD for short. I know that’s what I am because that’s how people introduce me. “This is Marcus, he stays home with the kids (can you believe it?)” Or if they’re over the age of 55, I usually get the “He’s a Mr. Mom.” It’s said in a positive way, sort of like the way people say “between jobs” when they mean “fired for being an incompetent loser.”

January 2010 - Posts

  • Doing Disney

     

     

    Our family escaped to Disney World this past weekend. 

     

    Our school system has this wacky middle of January break.  First, school gets out early every day for a week, and then they cancel school on the following Monday and Tuesday.  They’re practically daring you to take a vacation.

     

    We had been talking for a while about going to Disney, “sometime.”  We were going to go last year when my wife had a conference there, but at the last minute they decided she could just tele-conference.  So, instead of spending three days in the sunshine with Mickey Mouse, my wife stared at a computer while I watched the children play in the gray.

     

    So, when we received a coupon in the mail for 40% off, we decided to take the plunge. 

     

    Hey, I’m a sucker for a coupon. 

     

    So, just in case, there are any other parents out there who are considering that classic Americana trip to Disney, here are a few tips I have picked up along the way that I will gladly share with you.

     

    1)         Never go in the summer…. Or Spring Break….. Or Christmas

     

    I grew up in South Florida and have enough memories of the miserable Florida heat and the long lines for rides that I decided long ago that I would never, never go there during the summer.  It’s just not that fun of a trip to wait for over an hour to ride a 2 minute ride in 104 degree heat with a bunch of other sweaty people.  And that’s not fun for a teenager, you have no idea how much not fun that is for a toddler.

     

    So, go in the off season.  Go anytime between September and Christmas (excepting Thanksgiving), or January and May (excepting the couple of weeks around Easter) and don’t think you’re being clever by going at Christmas.  “Oh, I know!  We’ll go at Christmas!  I bet no one else will think of that!”

     

    Oh, you were so smug with your Christmas idea!  It turns out that Christmas is their busiest time of the year.  Our bus driver told us that at Christmas it took an hour and a half……. JUST TO DRIVE TO THE TOLL BOOTH AND PAY FOR PARKING!  (That’s before you even get into the park.  Sheesh!)

     

    We walked on to most rides and only waited more than 10 minutes about three times.  So find that weird aberration in your school’s calendar that gives you an extra day off here or there.  (You know, one of those days where the teachers are “planning”) and go then.  It will make you so much happier.

     

     

    2)  If you’re rich spring for two rooms.  If you’re not, spring for a tent shaped like an elephant

     

    The most difficult thing about staying in a small hotel room with a child is that you are in a small hotel room with a child.

     

    This is never a pleasant experience.  It means that you have to turn off the lights when they need to sleep and go to bed at 8:30 when you’d rather stay up and watch Matlock reruns.  So obviously, if you’ve got piles of cash lying around the house, just reserve a second room and throw all the kids in there.  If you are not so flush with extra cash, then follow our method.


    We got a small child’s play tent (shaped like an elephant) set it up on one side of the room and threw the kid in that.  At bed time, you zip it up turn the lights down and then read, turn the tv on, or whatever.

     

    “But…” you ask, “What if I have more than one kid?”

     

    No problem.  We have three kids, a 7 year old, 4 year old, and 2 year old.  The four year old went in the elephant tent, the 7 year old went in a fish tent, and the two year old went in a pack n’ play in the bathroom.

     

    What?  You’ve never put your kid to sleep in the bathroom?  We do it all the time!  You slide the pack n’ play in there, turn the exhaust fan on and it’s sweet dreams for kiddo!  You can also use large closets depending on where you’re staying.

     

    Sure, the whole things a little, well, odd, and if you do have any late night emergencies, you may find yourself trotting down the hall to the lobby bathroom, but isn’t that a small price to pay for each child to have their own space, with no kicking under the covers and nobody whining about so and so keeping them awake?  (It’s also great for naps!)

     

     

    3)  If you want to see some white princesses, then Disney is the place for you!

     

    Who doesn’t love white princesses?  Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Ariel…. But what if you have a hankering to see one of Disney’s, um, less melanin challenged princesses?


    Well, you’ve got your work cut out for you.

     

    We were able to find Jasmine without too much trouble.  She showed up with Aladdin and the Genie once and she was at this princess dinner, but boy if you wanted to see Mulan, you are flat out of luck.  That didn’t surprise me too much, let’s be honest, the movie wasn’t that good.  But I thought for sure we’d find Princess Tiana no problem….. you know….. Tiana…… the Princess from Princess and the Frog?


    I thought, we’d have no trouble finding her.  I mean, she’s in the newest movie right?  I figured that they’d be hawking her like “Hot Doughnuts Now.”

     

    But alas, they were not.  We searched and searched, and then finally on the last day I started asking people where in the world Princess Tiana was.

     

    Nobody knew.

     

    I asked four different people and they all had to call and ask someone else.  Well, it turns out that this is because poor Tiana wasn’t exactly in the most prominent location.

     

    I was told to go to the Christmas Shoppe in Liberty Square, then go down an alley behind it.  And there, in an area that used to be a smoking zone, was poor, sad, Princess Tiana, entertaining the handful of little girls who had managed to track her down.

     

    Now I’m not saying that Disney stuck Tiana back in this corner because she is….. well, ……. from New Orleans.  But it does make you wonder.

     

     

    4)  Lower your expectations for your kids and yourself


    We all come to an event like this with our own baggage.  You want the kids to like the same things you liked as a kid, but it doesn’t always work out that way.  I thought my kids would love the Dumbo ride, and they couldn’t figure out why I was so excited by going around in circles in a fat little elephant.

     

    I also thought Asher would love getting to meet all the characters, but he didn’t seem to really care.  He would run up and hug them, but refused to have his picture taken with them, as if being photographed next to a giant chipmunk might affect his future political career.

     

    That being said, the kids had a great time.  They loved Disney and all of the rides and the parades and the fireworks and seeing all the characters.  They just didn’t necessarily like all the parts that I had decided that they were going to like. 

     

    Stupid kids.

     

    The other part of this is that if you’re thinking, “Oh, some day we should go do Disney,” don’t wait to long.  Your kids will have fun at Disney no matter what age they are.  Indeed, there a number of rides that we weren’t able to go on because our kids were too young or too small, but there is an age where the magic of Disney is real to your kids and an age where they realize that it’s all just a show.

     

    When we went to Disney several years ago, my daughter was 4 and the whole trip was a wonder to her.  She truly believed that she was meeting the princesses.  She truly believed that we had lunch in Cinderella’s castle.  She truly believed that the Mad Hatter had stolen her nose.

     

    But, now at seven, she still had a great time, but it wasn’t quite the same.  She loved meeting all the characters, but this time it was more to collect autographs than it was to “meet” them.  She liked eating at Cinderella’s castle, but she knew that it was just a painted tower of concrete and fiberglass.  And she knew that the Mad Hatter had not truly purloined her proboscis.   

     

    I don’t feel bad about this transition, but I am grateful that we were able to come when the magic was still real – when the pirates were frightening and Tigger was silly and Mickey Mouse really seemed like your best friend.

     

     

    5) Prepare yourself for Re-entry

     

    I don’t know if Disney World is or isn’t the happiest place on earth.  But I’ll tell you one thing, it’s a heck of a lot happier than your house.

     

    The magic of Disney for adults is that they take care of everything. 

     

    They pick you up at the airport, they carry your luggage.  They make your bed and bring you food.  They answer all your questions and always smile and say hello.  Yes, it’s all a big show, but it’s a really nice show.  And for a stay-at-home parent, it’s one of the few times where people are doing things for you instead of the other way around.

     

    This is wonderful…... but don’t get used to it!

     

    Because soon enough, you’ll be back in your own house which you probably left a complete mess and you’ll have a ton of luggage to unpack and laundry to do.  And the two idiot teenagers who were supposed to be watching your dog did a ridiculously poor job and now the dog is completely neurotic and has peed all over the house because no one let her out and there are still dishes in the sink from a week ago and there’s not a single damn fairy or singing bird anywhere that is going to lift one finger to help you make a bed or fold the laundry or scrub the carpet.

     

    Disney has 4 theme parks, a cruise ship, a time share system, and a series of international tour guides, but what I want is a Disney home service.

     

    I want someone to greet me at the door and say, “Hello, Mr. Zumwalt.  Can I get all of the groceries out of your car for you while you settle down in the living room?  The house has been cleaned and dinner is ready when you are.  We’re having steak with mashed potatoes shaped like Mickey’s head.  Can I bring you something to drink while Chip and Dale take the children on a backyard safari?”

     

    But we didn’t get that package.  I think it was extra.

     

    So prepare yourself on that flight home.  Tinkerbell is still back at the Magic Kingdom waving her little wand for other families now and you’re back home trying to wipe oatmeal off your sweater. 

     

    Life returns quickly and with a touch of vengeance.  So be prepared, because there’s no monorail sitting outside your house and the only thing in the shape of Mickey’s head is that weird stain on the carpet.  But that’s ok, because you have memories and lots of photographs and a bunch of tripe that you picked up along the way all to remind you of the wonderful time you had.  And to help remind you how nice it was and how soon you wish you could go back.

     

     

  • If Ignorance is Bliss, Does that Mean Intellect is Misery?

     

    I recently came across an article that ranked every state based on happiness.

     

    I love that kind of thing. 

     

    Partly I love it because ranking a location by happiness is about the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of.  For one thing, happiness is physically unmeasurable by any scientific gauge and secondly, everywhere I’ve ever lived (including places that made me very happy and places that made me very sad) was full of both sad and happy people.

     

    But it’s such an attractive idea isn’t it?  The idea that somewhere, perhaps in Nebraska, lies a community of people walking around with moronic smiles plastered across their faces, eating sponge cake  and practically peeing themselves with excitement over the upcoming season of Extreme Makeover.

     

    I also enjoy this sort of article because I sort of have a running joke with one of my best friends.  You see, about 6 years ago, I moved into a house about 4 blocks away from them here in Maryland and then two weeks later they moved away…… to Ohio. So I am always on the lookout for articles that scientifically prove that Ohio is a stupid place to live and that, therefore, I am smarter….. and better looking.

     

    So, I was pleased as punch to see this article which ranks Maryland #6 for happiness and Ohio #47, just above Mississippi, Kentucky and West Virginia (ouch!)

     

    http://channels.isp.netscape.com/homerealestate/package.jsp?name=fte/happinessbystate/happinessbystate&floc=NI-ntk1

     

    Now to be fair, this survey didn’t really make any sense.  It didn’t actually measure happiness, instead is measured things that are supposed to make you happy such as income, good schools, a healthy populace and the presence of gay people (I don’t know why gay people are supposed to make you happy…. it’s in the article.  Gay people happen to make me happy, but I’m not sure they really are the best happiness barometer.  But what do I know?  I’m not a scientist.)

     

    So anyway, I emailed off the article along with a note about how bad I felt for my friend to have to live in a state that was only slightly less miserable than a state where only about half the people over 60 have any teeth (true fact, look it up)

     

    He responded with a defensive note about how this article was a load of crap and how he was sick of people picking on Ohio and he was tired of being dragged down by loser cities like Cleveland.  (His words, not mine.  I think you Clevelandites are awesome!)

     

    Anyway, I chuckled and moved on, keeping an eye out for the next survey that would rank states based on obesity or inability to clear snow off the roads.

     

    But, lo and behold, I came across another scientific ranking of states based on happiness.

     

    Delightful.  There’s nothing like adding a little salt to a Cincinnatian’s wounds.

     

    However, this survey didn’t work out so well for me.  In fact, it looked a lot like the last survey, but turned upside down. 

     

    In this one, Mississippi was 6th, but Maryland was (gulp!) 40th!  (although still ahead of poor sad Ohio at 44th).

     

    http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/12/091217141314.htm

     

    As I began to look at these rankings a little more carefully, I began to notice some really peculiar differences.  Many of the states that had been in the top 10 of the first survey – Maryland, California, Massachusetts – Were in the bottom 10 of the second survey.  And many of the states that were in the bottom 10 of the first survey (Mississippi, Louisiana) were in the top 10 of the second.  Mississippi alone went from 48th to 6th (#6 was Maryland’s rank dammit!)

     

    What is that about?

     

    Well, it’s a little hard to tell and I suspect the most likely answer is that researchers are kind of stupid, but the main difference that I was able to discern is that in the first survey researchers looked at objective data that is supposed to lead to happiness (income, good schools, long lives) and ranked states accordingly and on the second survey they just asked people, “are you happy?”

     

    So, basically people who live in places where they should be miserable, i.e places that are poor, have bad educational systems and everyone’s fat and dies early are every happy.  And people who live in places with a high quality of living and lots of smart people who exercise regularly are sad.

     

    Great.

     

    There’s a very large part of me that finds me highly highly depressing. 

     

    Of course there are places where people live in lovely, educated, healthy places and are very happy (Hawaii)  and people who live in backward, poor, unhealthy states and are very sad (like, say, Ohio) but for the most part the people who are supposed to be happy aren’t and the people who should be miserable aren’t either.


    What’s going on?

     

    Well, I have a theory, a sad little theory. 

     

    If you compare these charts to a third chart, you’ll see a further correlation.  This chart is a list of states by number of people who have received a bachelor degree.

     

    http://www.census.gov/acs/www/Products/Ranking/2003/R02T040.htm

     

    In this survey, 9 of the highest educated states are also in the bottom 15 of the happiness chart.  And 8 of the least educated states are at the top 15 of the happiness chart.

     

    So, is ignorance bliss?  Does being smart make you sad.

     

    In one, quick word:

     

    Yes.

     

    I know that this is a terrible truth to have to come to terms with, but I think that the answer is an unqualified: Absodoobalutley!

    Now, it’s not surprising that the least educated are happy.  They usually don’t travel much or spend much time contemplating life outside of their community.  They tend to have a straightforward belief system of clear cut rights and wrongs.  They are often surrounded by people who are similar to them and believe many of the same things as they do.

     

    They also never had to read James Joyce.

     

    These are all recipes for sweet joyful happiness.


    On the other hand, the more educated you are, the less the world makes sense.  The less things are clear cut.  These college educated folk from Hah-vud have travelled more and seen disparity in the world.  They recognize that the truths that they grew up with may not be as straightforward as they once believed.  They understand that there are no easy answers and a study of history will reveal that we, as people, probably get it wrong more often than we get it right. 

     

    Plus educated people read depressing things like the New Yorker and the Stock Market report….. and James Joyce. 

     

    I believe that there is comfort and joy in a simple life, and not just a simplicity of possessions or activities, but a simplicity in how you view the world.  Children tend to be happy because there are a clear cut series of rights and wrongs, love is something given not earned, and being good and doing the right thing rarely encompasses more than eating all your peas and cleaning up your room once a week.

     

    Whereas the older you get and the more educated you become and the more of the world you see, the more you come to realize that life is rarely lived in black and white, but instead in a muted complex arena of grey. 

     

    The things we were told by our parents and the television would make us happy (getting A’s on our report car, buying a new car, owning a KIMBALL Piano!) rarely do.

     

    The simplicity of right and wrong in our small homes in our small home towns, doesn’t always translate to the confusing wrongs we see if we travel to the inner cities, or to other nations, or even read the newspaper where those who cheat often seem to succeed and those who try to make the world a better place are often met with roadblocks.

     

    Right after college I spent several years teaching in some of the poorest corners of our nation – Mississippi, Detroit, Newark, Washington, DC.  I saw people living in what were little more than shacks.  I saw 15 year olds having babies and leaving them to all but raise themselves.  I saw young girls being taken advantage of by the men in their lives.  And I saw a society where even the bright and hardworking were limited by the failures of those around them. 

     

    Spending that time has forever changed my life.  I see the world differently now and I see it far differently than if I had never gone to college or never left the small Tennessee town I grew up in.

     

    My wife and I were talking recently and we had the revelation that we would have probably been happier people had we never spent those years living in those various places.  We would have known less of the horrors of the world and it would have been easier to pigeon hole people and circumstances into boxes of right or wrong and the world would have made more sense and been a little less sad.

     

    That doesn’t mean that I regret those years, nor does it mean that I wouldn’t do it all over again, but there is a sense of mourning for the simplicity and ignorant joyfulness that came before hand.

     

    So, ignorance really can be bliss and knowledge really can be a burden.

     

    So should we all yank our kids out of school and move to a commune where we all live a life of blissful simplicity concerned only with those around us and never having to worry about complicated things like poverty or algebra? 

     

    Probably not.

     

    And, of course, I’m not suggesting that all people without a bachelor degree are ignorant or unaware of the pain in the world.   But I am suggesting that, often, learning more creates more questions than it does answers and that it can make the world more foreign instead of more understandable and that this complexity can rob us of some of that sureness and joyful clarity that came with youth.

     

    Ok, it’s pretty clear I’ve drawn some pretty broad sweeping conclusions without much convincing data.  Which is, to say, that I am now a scientist and should publish my observations in an academic journal.

     

    You see, that’s what those pointy headed academics are trying to do.  The more they learn, the more disorder they see in the world…. and it makes them sad.  So they try to clarify it.  They try to create order where there is none.  They try to rank states based on happiness.  They try to quantify the unquantifiable.  To draw order from the chaos.

     

    It makes them happy.

     

    Unfortunately, I’m afraid this blog hasn’t made anyone happy.  After yesterdays’ turgid soul wrenching diatribe, I had really hoped to write something happier today.  I’m not quite sure how I ended up here.  I was sure that writing about stupid happiness rankings and making fun of various states would be funny.

     

    It turns out it is not.

     

    Which I guess is why I should be #6 for happiness, but am, instead, #40.

     

    But, hey, at least I don’t live in Ohio.

  • Thoughts on God, Haiti and Prayer

     

    When I was a child we lived in south Florida.  At the time there was a crude joke making its way around the playground.  It went something like this:

     

    “Hey, do you have HBO?  Yeah?  That’s gross!  You have Haitian Body Odor!”

     

    Even at age 7 I knew that this was more than just a little wrong.

     

    At the time, Haitians were in the news a lot in south Florida.  Their country was the poorest nation on our side of the planet (it still is) and every other day there were reports about a group of Haitians who washed up on shore in some ragtag home made raft – starving, bedraggled, barely alive, but thrilled to have made it the 700 miles to the U.S. of A.  

     

    The refugees would have harrowing tales of the boat capsizing, of people falling into the water and drowning, of sharks circling.  Just as often there were reports of boatloads of Haitians being discovered and turned back by the coast guard, or simply of bodies washing on shore, bloated and decayed.

     

    It was a huge problem for the area and depending on where you fell on the humanitarian / political spectrum there were all kinds of different proposed solutions, none of which ever worked, because when someone is living in the poorest most devastated country around, there is no penalty you can impose that will stop them from trying to achieve a better life for their families.  When our jails are nicer than their homes, there is not much disincentive we can create.

     

    More or less, that’s where my knowledge of Haiti stopped.  Sure, I’ve read the occasional article about the country over the years and know a little bit about its twisted political history and our country’s involvement in and occasional occupation of its land.  My father in law has visited Haiti several times on mission trips in the past few years and, each time, comes back with stories of unbelievable poverty and need.

     

    But in general I haven’t thought much about Haiti over the years.  I’ve mainly just mentally filed it away as one more wretched and abandoned corner of our complicated planet.

     

    Until last week.

     

    When the first reports of the earthquake came in, I didn’t think much of it.  Our 24 hour news seems happy to report whatever potential tragedy pops up with equal ferocity, so I always find it near impossible to know how significant something is when it first crawls across my computer screen.  The week before, there had been a significant earthquake in California but it was hardly anything more than a curiosity the next day.   Last night the local news had a 5 minute segment about a horse that had fallen into a sink hole and the 30 firemen who came to rescue it.

    So, initially, I didn’t think much about this natural disaster.  But it soon became clear that the earthquake in Haiti was more than just another tectonic aberration.  It became horribly apparent that this was one of those disasters that does more than inconvenience people by losing electricity, but rather one that devastates an entire nation for decades to come.

     

    As I listened to the radio, I heard about thousands of people who were left homeless, about adoptive parents who didn’t know whether their child was alive or dead, about husbands searching warehouses full of corpses in desperate hopes of finding their wife so that she wouldn’t become just another nameless body bulldozed over with thousands of others in unmarked pits.

     

    It was horrifying.

     

    I heard about the chaos of people digging through the rubble of buildings by hand in order to rescue a trapped infant and the anger of Haitians who were piling up their dead in human roadblocks as a protest at their sense of abandonment by the world.

     

    But of course, the world did come to help….. 

     

    Now.

     

    Now, that there was horror and devastation.  But not last month when the horror and devastation was more commonplace - merely the starvation and poverty of a nation where life expectancy tops out at 44.

     

    I watched as facebook and email began to light up with people calling for prayers for Haiti.  I listened to Christian radio and church sermons asking for offerings of prayer for hope and I heard rambling comments from those who were compassionate (and those who were not) trying to justify how God could be real and  loving and yet could allow this to happen.  

     

    And all I could think was…. Haiti?

     

    It had to be Haiti?

     

    Of all of the God forsaken areas on this wretched planet for an earthquake to hit, it seems so ludicrously unfair for it to hit a country that was devastated before the devastation arrived.

     

    For the last couple of months I have been struggling with some of the same theological questions that have plagued people for millennia.

     

    If God is all loving, why does he let horrible things happen?

     

    If God is all powerful why does he not stop mass murders and ravaging floods and diseases that steal loved ones away from us?

     

    How am I supposed to believe that praying for a dying family member will do any good while the lady in the hospital room next door’s prayers go unanswered?

     

    These are not unique questions.  I think everyone, even people who don’t believe in God must spend some time considering such things, but for me, the holocaust of Haiti managed to land right in the midst of my own spiritual crisis.

     

    For several days last week, I was driving around in my “nicely equipped” minivan running from store to store making purchase after purchase in preparation for a surprise party for my wife.  I spent time choosing between a $10 pack of disposable plates and a $15 dollar pack – trying to decide which item would look the nicest for the 20 minutes it was used before it wound up in the garbage.

     

    All the while I am driving around listening to the radio describe the destruction of millions of lives that will never be the same.  And then I would hop out of the van again, run into a store and decide whether $25 was too much to spend on a rack to display appetizers.

     

    What kind of world did I live in?  A world of petty decadence for myself and of unending misery and heartache for others.  And I couldn’t get past the fact that there was nothing I could do about it.

     

    Of course, my wife and I sent money, a fair amount of it.  But in the end, that costs so little – a quick click of the mouse, perhaps a small delay in a future purchase.

     

    But what else could I do?  People kept telling me to pray.  People in church and on facebook and on twitter and on the radio kept saying, “we need to pray for the people of Haiti.”

     

    I know this sounds blasphemous.  And clearly it is, but…..  all I could think when asked to pray was:  Why should I?

     

    What good, exactly, are our distant, safe, middle class prayers likely to enact on the suffering masses of Haiti?

     

    Are we so arrogant as to think that our appeal to God will move him to action when he was so clearly blind to action last week as the crust of the earth was shifting, causing tens of thousands to die a horrifying death?

     

    Let me be clear.  I do believe in God.  I believe in a loving, gracious God who cares deeply about the lives of the people on this planet.

     

    I pray daily and ask God to guide my decisions and to give me wisdom in the choices I make, and joy and peace in the actions I take toward my children and family.

     

    I believe God hears me, and I believe he answers me.  I believe he cares for me and I believe he forgives me.

     

    But let me tell you, I was pissed at him last week.

     

    I cursed his apathy and his negligence.  I cursed his willingness to always let natural disasters strike the poorest in this world - the Asian Tsunami that killed hundreds of thousands, Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans and now this.

     

    It seems like these horrors of nature never seem to hit the French Riviera or wipe out Orange County.

     

    Of course, I understand why this is.  World economics play into it far more than any kind of unlucky geographic coincidence.  In New Orleans, housing prices are cheaper in the flood zone and those who had money could afford to get out of the city in advance of the crushing waters.  In Haiti, there is no money to build structures up to earthquake resistant code in the same way they do in California.  Someone told me that if the same earthquake had hit Los Angeles, the fatalities would have been in the dozens, because the buildings are built to withstand such horrors.  It is only in Haiti, where there is hardly money to build any structure at all, much less build it to earthquake standards, where a disaster like this could cause so many tens of thousands to die.

     

    So, in the end, I can be angry at God all I want, but the truth is that God has abandoned Haiti no less than the rest of us.  We all knew of its poverty and horrible standard of living and yet we chose to ignore it, so that we can drive merrily around tending to our own parties and stuff-filled lives.

     

    I mean, what else can we do, here, so far away in America?

     

    Well, I suppose we can always pray.

     

    I don’t claim to have all this figured out.  And I don’t doubt that most of my guesses are completely wrong, but let me tell you what I do know.  What I do see with my own eyes.  What I do feel with my own heart.

     

    I’m not so sure God answers prayer.  Well, not in the way we think.

     

    I don’t know that God sits around waiting for us to come before him and appeal for “a swift recovery to this ravaging cancer,” or a “safe journey on this trip home,” or a “comforting hand on the people of Haiti.”

     

    I know this seems horrible to even suggest.  But I just don’t see it.  I don’t see why God would choose, randomly, to spare one person from cancer but not another.  Both prayers were earnest.  Both were heartfelt.

     

    We casually offer up prayers for safe travel and thanks for a safe arrival.  But what of that horrible tractor trailer accident that killed an entire family?  Were their prayers not good enough?

     

    And what of Haiti?  What of Haiti?

     

    How many prayers are shooting toward Haiti right this second?  And yet I see very little peace and very little comfort there.

     

    So, what does this mean?  Is God impotent instead of omnipotent?  Is praying merely an exercise in futility?  Is His loving grace capricious in its choice of who to bless?

     

    I don’t know, but I do know this.  When I pray to God, I don’t ask him to change others.  I ask him to change me.  And I know, without question, that he has.  

     

    The Bible says that we are the hands and the feet of God.  And while I don’t believe that God chooses which people to heal from cancer, I do believe that he has endowed man with the brain to research cures and has endowed physicians with the knowledge and skills to operate.

     

    And while I don’t think God caused the earthquake in Haiti and I’m not so sure that our prayers will erase it’s devastation; I do know that He has given each of us talents and more importantly a desire to help our Haitian brothers and sisters.  

     

    This may be blasphemous to suggest, but I don’t believe that relief in Haiti will come through magical prayer of followers sitting in their living rooms.  But I do believe that relief will come through the prayers of thousands who said, “Lord, what can I do to help?” and heard, in response, that they should send money, or board a plane, or send troops, or start a fund raiser, or gather needed supplies.  

     

    We, you and I, are the hands and feet of God.  We’re all he’s got.  We, simple, flawed, sinful people are what God has to offer to a world corrupt with inequality and suffering.

     

    We are the answers that so many prayers are calling for.

     

    So what does that mean?  What do we do?

     

    I don’t know exactly.  As I said, I haven’t gotten this all figured out.

     

    It is a mighty responsibility being the hands and feet of God.  It is an overwhelming burden at times to be the answers to our own prayers.  

     

    But it is a responsibility we must take up nonetheless.  

     

    Prayers sent to God can sometimes be a crutch.  If you believe that your responsibilities in this world start and end with asking God to take care of things, then you are letting yourself off to easy.  If you look at the television screen and see the human suffering in Haiti and believe that your prayers are all that are required, plus maybe a few bucks sent from your cellphone, then I fear that much of that suffering in the streets of Port-au-Prince will not change.

     

    I do not know what God is asking of others.  I hardly ever know what God is asking of me.  But I do know that in this past week of driving around, pursuing my own selfish goals, crying while listening to the radio and yelling at God and the church in my head – I know that I have spent more time in dialogue with God than in any recent period I can remember.

     

    In my anger at God, I have ended up becoming closer to Him.

     

    I don’t know what my responsibility to Haiti is, maybe nothing more than writing that check, but I DO know that I HAVE responsibilities.  

     

    And while I may or may not be the answer to the prayers of those in Haiti, perhaps I am called to be the answer to some other prayer.   Maybe it is the prayer of someone who needs extra help in a soup kitchen.  Maybe it is the prayer of a homeless man who needs somewhere to sleep.  Maybe it is the prayer of an unloved child who needs someone to adopt her.

     

    I don’t know yet, what I am supposed to be doing.

     

    But I do know that God DOES answer prayers.  He answers them not through some cosmic magic, but through the real actions and efforts of those people who seek to make this world a better place and who call to God, asking how they can help make that happen.

     

    I don’t understand the nature of God.  I don’t understand why things happen or why the world is the way it is.  All I know is that, for some reason, I am one of the fortunate ones.  I have a home and a family and more money than most people in this world could dream of.  

     

    We all do.  

     

    Our obligations do not stop with praying for someone.  

     

    They begin in praying for ourselves to be an answer to the prayer of others.

     

    I want to be an answer to prayer.  

     

    I want to be the hands and feet of God.

     

    I fail every day.  And I get angry and bitter.  And I am often resentful of this holy burden.  

     

    But I try, to continue to try:

     

    To be the miracle that someone is praying for.

     

  • Melancholy Milestones

     

     

    Yesterday my wife sent me an email noting that it was our youngest son, Micah’s, two and a half year birthday.

     

    She also attached a photo of the time he fell asleep in his car seat while eating a chicken nugget.

     

    I sighed.  I smiled.  But I also cringed a bit.

     

    Birthdays are a joyous time – even half birthdays.  But for Micah they are also a reminder that not everything is ok.

     

    Micah has some speech delays.  They are not overly significant, in fact, I expect that in another few months the county will officially declare that he doesn’t warrant receiving services anymore, but still they are there.  He says lots of words, but they are garbled and mumbled and because of that, he rarely strings more than a couple of words together at a time.  He has the speech abilities of a precocious 18 month old.

     

    The problem, as I mentioned, is that he’s (officially) 2 and a half now.  And that’s what makes these markings of a birthday a little difficult.

     

    Before Micah turned two, it was easy to pretend that there was not much wrong.  I mean, he was only one for crying out loud.  One is this hugely divergent age.  You have one year olds that can’t walk or say a single word.  And you have one year olds that can communicate in complete sentences.  

     

    As long as he was one, it was easy to blow it off when people asked how old he was. 

     

    “Oh, he’s just one.”

     

    And, secretly, I kept hoping that he would turn a corner and catch up.  I was convinced that he just needed to jumpstart his verbal motor skills and he would be off and running.  He would be one of those kids that nervous parents always talk about.

     

    “Well, my cousin’s daughter didn’t say a single word until she was three and then she started talking in complete sentences!”

     

    This mythological friend of a friend’s child was the dream scenario that all of us parents of late talkers cling to, but it didn’t work out that way…. or at least not yet.  Micah continues to gain new words and to pronounce old words clearer and clearer, but it is a slow process. 

     

    I’m not actually worried about his long term development.  He has made a ton of progress in the last year.  He has gone from saying almost nothing to a vocabulary of a hundred or so garbled words.  I am not worried that he will catch up and learn to talk. 

    And he seems plenty smart in other ways.  Not much gets past his eagle vision.  He knows when you’re trying to pull a fast one with a chocolate chip cookie, or when you’ve short changed him from watching the final few seconds of his beloved Scooby Doo (pronounced: Doop Doo!)  There’s not an electronic device he can’t figure out and there are very few things that his older siblings do that he’s not willing to try himself.  He can climb like a monkey and may end up learning to ride a bike before his 7 year old sister if she doesn’t get moving. 

     

    So, I’m not really worried about him catching up.

     

    I’m just worried about how long it will take.  And what that will mean for him in the coming months and years.  We’ve already decided that he probably won’t go to preschool next fall even though he will be old enough.  We’re just not sure the teacher would be able to understand him. 

     

    And every time one of these milestones rolls around, it forces me to remember that at this age his overly verbal sister was saying things like, “Actually, I think I’ll have some more potatoes, please” whereas Micah just shoves his bowl at us and says “Mo pees.”

     

    It’s at these formalized landmarks in time, that it is hard to ignore how far he is behind his siblings and most other children.

     

    When we’re at the playground and another parent tells me their perfectly verbal child is three, it’s easy not to worry, until I start to realize how close to three my child is becoming.

     

    The progression to age three has become a dreaded sort of countdown for me.  Kids all develop at different ages and levels and that can buy you some time, but there’s no faking age three.  At three, all kids are talking.  Some may have a lisp, and some may or may not be using 4 syllable words, but they are all talking like little kids.  And I expect that Micah won’t be.

     

    And, again, I’m honestly not worried about it in the long term.  I know what progress he has made already and I am confident he will be just fine.  But the problem is that I’m neurotic enough not to at least worry in the short term.

     

    Did I do anything to cause this delay?  Did we not read to him enough as a baby?  Was it because he was in the car so much as an infant being driven around trying to get our live-in teenagers to work and school?  Could I have done more to head this off early on?  Should I be doing more now?  Should we have taken that chicken nugget out of his mouth?

     

    The logical part of me knows that the answers to all of these questions is almost certainly no.  His babyhood was not very different from his older brother’s, but still it’s hard not to fret.

     

    Micah is a wonderful, joyous, deviously ingenious, funny little boy.  He’s my baby.  And he blossoms with all of the dreams I carry for each of my children. 

     

    But it’s hard knowing that everything isn’t “normal.”

     

    And so, when we cross one of these little milestones it causes me to think a little less about all the progress he has made and a little more about how far he still has to go. 

     

    But I don’t doubt that he will make it.  He’s far too stubborn not to make it.

     

    He’s my little two and a half year old now.  My baby.  My chicken nugget munching fool.

     

    And I know he’s going to be just fine.  Sometimes, it’s just hard to remember.

     

  • They Said that I Should Go to Rehab… and I Met this Really Great Guy

     

     

    So, this morning I was perusing the digital news, as usual, and came across something delightful in its absurdity – an article titled

     

    “Amy Winehouse to Remarry Ex-Husband”

     

    http://wonderwall.msn.com/movies/winehouse-to-remarry-ex-husband-at-caribbean-hideaway-1532867.story?GT1=28135

     

    For those of you who have remained blissfully unaware of all things Winehouse, let me give you a brief synopsis.

     

    Amy Winehouse is an incredibly talented singer who came out with an album of old school R&B songs that was critically and commercially acclaimed.

     

    She is also an absolute whack job / drug attic / alcoholic, who is unlikely to make it into her 30s.  And in the year’s most ironic bit of celebrity foreshadowing wrote a hit song about how she didn’t need to go to rehab and then spent the entire year that she should have been enjoying her success, proving over and over again that she really really needed to go into rehab.

     

    She was also married to a charming gent who got put in jail for attacking a pub owner.  This prompted Winehouse to interrupt several of her concert performances to deliver drunken ramblings about how much she loved her alcoholic, jailbird husband.

     

    Here’s a good example of that…. I think.  I can’t really understand her.

     

    Then, (and you’ll find this shocking)  Amy ended up in rehab.  And while she was there had an affair with some people who were not in jail.  Then her husband found out and divorced her.

     

    And now, inevitably, because what else would a classic Bogart / Bergman romance like this lead to?  The golden couple is getting back together.

     

    My favorite line from the article is:

     

    "Everything feels right with Blake now. As soon as he's cleared to leave the country and his drug rehab is done it will happen."

     

    Yes, because a wedding where the only pre-requisites are completing drug rehab and getting your parole officer’s permission to leave the country just CAN NOT FAIL!….. again.

     

    Anyway, as I was musing over Ms. Winehouse and her unending ride on the crazy train, I somehow started thinking about the TV show “Big Love.”  (I know…. this is what happens when you’re brain multi tasks on you early in the morning).

     

    Big Love is an HBO show about a polygamist family and all of the difficulties that come along with having three wives who are very different from one another.   One of the premises of “Big Love,” is that the husband spends one night with each wife on a rotating basis.  And jealousies, petty feuds and infighting ensue.

     

    And then I had an idea for the greatest Reality TV Show EVER!

     

    Let’s call it “Celebrity Polygamy!”

     

    Here’s what we do.  We take one genial but flawed man and give him three wildly different and wacky wives and, baby, just let the tapes roll.

     

    Of course, Amy Winehouse would make a perfect sister wife on which to build a series upon.  She’s crazy, unpredictable, talented, makes people uncomfortable and is good in a bar fight.

     

    But who do you balance someone like Amy with?  Who is the feminine ying to her feminine yang?

     

    Now, I am sure there are lots of possibilities, but my initial thought was:

     

    Sarah Palin. 

     

    Wow, I would pay money to see that.

     

    But now what you need is someone with a sharp comic tongue who can turn to the camera and verbally express what everyone in America is thinking while Sarah Palin and Amy Winehouse roll around on the floor slapping each other and trying to reach for the nearest firearm.

     

    I’m thinking Wanda Sykes.

     

    The fact that she’s gay, really only adds another delightful layer of fun to the show.

     

    So, the next question is who you bring in as the guy to help deal with all of this chaos?   You want someone who is relatable, and somewhat attractive, but also someone who maybe America would like to see suffer a little bit.


    Charlie Sheen comes to mind.

     

    So, there you go.  Season 1 of Celebrity Polygamy would have Charlie Sheen playing husband to Amy Winehouse, Sarah Palin and Wanda Sykes.

     

    You CAN NOT tell me that you wouldn’t want to watch that show.

     

    Ok, let me rephrase that.  You WOULD tell me that you would never watch the show, but in reality, you would secretly DVR it and watch it late at night while eating Cheetos and Mallomars. 

     

    There is no question that it would be a huge hit.  Which would, of course lead to the need to cast season 2.

     

    I’m thinking:

     

    Jon Gosslein

    Courtney Love

    Martha Stewart

    RuPaul

     

    And of course at this point, the series will be such a hit that it will spawn a spin-off:

     

    Celebrity Polygamy – Ladies Time!

     

    Starring:

     

    Winona Ryder

    John Malcovich

    R Kelly

    Lou Dobbs

     

    Man, I can already taste the royalty checks.

     

    But who am I missing?  I would really like to have seasons 3-5 already planned out.  Please suggest some other pairings for Celebrity Polygamy that I may have missed.  I anxiously await your suggestions.  This can be the new parlor game for 2010.  What is the perfect celebrity polygamy match up?

     

    I’m sure this will be the greatest Reality show ever.  I’m sure MTV and Lifetime are fighting over the rights as we speak. 

     

    All we need now is a host.

     

    I hear Conan O’Brien is available

     

  • First Day Back

     

    The first day back after a vacation is always hard. 

     

    You’ve just spent a couple of weeks opening presents, visiting family, stuffing your face with decadent foods, lounging around fireplaces and generally turning yourself into an overweight lazy slob.

     

    And then Monday rears its ugly head.

     

    And all of a sudden you’re thrown instantly back into the whirlwind.  There are kids to be dressed, busses to be caught, meetings to attend, blogs to be written.  That magical time when responsibilities and attending to one’s health seemed unimportant is all of a sudden gone.

     

    Plus there’s those damned resolutions.


    While we were all sitting back gorging ourselves on second helpings of sweet potato casserole and pecan pie, we looked down at our bloated mid sections and said, “yeah, I ought to exercise some more.”

     

    This is all well and good when you’re sleeping in each morning and the dreaded first day of real life is still a few days away.  But, oh, when that Monday morning rolls around it slaps you like the love child of Zsa Zsa Gabor and Elin Nordegren.

     

    On Sunday night we drove home from my wife’s family in upstate New York, where, despite a temperature of 7 degrees and 50 mph winds, we had had a lovely and relatively warm time.  But it seemed like the second we pulled into the driveway, Monday morning started running at us fast and hard.

     

    The lovely, quiet days were gone and we were faced with the decaying remnants of Christmas – a giant, dying tree, sitting in our entry way, garlands and empty stockings lining the fireplace, and ceramic animals dressed like Santa Claus sitting on the shelves.

     

    There was no food in the fridge, moldy bread in the bread box (yes we have a bread box!  How the heck do you judge the size of things without one?) dirty laundry piling up in epic proportions.

     

    And of course, life hit full force from there.  The toilet overflowed, milk got spilt on the carpet, the kids and dog were all a little more than nuts. 

     

    And this was just Sunday night, which, unfortunately, didn’t end when the kids went to bed, because I still needed to get a gift card for the bus driver a present for my son’s preschool class, and a little distance from the twenty year olds living in my basement who had proved, once again, that they were not necessarily capable of completing basic tasks such as riding the metro without getting lost or taking out the garbage.

     

    Life hit hard.

     

    And then Monday hit.

     

    Monday was actually looking good when it first dawned.  Just like I had resolved, I was up before dawn.  I read a book on religion in lieu of the Bible (because, honestly, the Bible had just been ticking me off lately) and then I prayed, wrote my blog, exercised, showered, dressed all the kids, gathered up backpacks, coats, delayed teacher presents, and all made it into the van and up to the bus stop on time. 

     

    It actually felt good.  It had been a very productive 2 and a half hours.

     

    I got Asher delivered to preschool and headed to the mall to meet the group of Stay at Home Dads that I organize.  There were lots of guys there, clearly anxious to get out of the house and back with some friends again.  We compared holiday notes and reached some rather savvy conclusions about certain family members and the benefits of in-car DVD players on long drives.

     

    Then the day continued with non-stop ups and downs, like a rickety old coney island rollercoaster where you exit the ride with whiplash and splinters in your keister.  (thank you very much Microsoft Spell Check, but “Keister” IS a word)

     

    A friend called to tell me that his teen daughter had run away.  It wasn’t serious, she was just skipping school, but he didn’t know where she was and didn’t know what to do with her once they found her.

     

    I then went to the hospital to visit some dear friends who had just had a baby.

     

    Then I got a phone call from one of those twenty year olds I so vaguely mentioned earlier and was informed that he was on academic probation…… again.  And wouldn’t be able to get any financial aid for school this term. 

     

    Then it was time to pick up my son from preschool and meet a friend for lunch.


    That’s right, lunch!  All this happened and I haven’t even eaten my chik-fil-a fiesta salad yet!

     

    Then there was shopping to fill our empty cupboards, a few tardy emails sent, and of course, the taking down of the 15 foot tree in our front hallway.  (What moron thought that was a good idea?)

     

    And, of course, spending an hour or so cooking a delicious, gourmet sweet potato soup just so I can sit and watch my two youngest break into tears at the horrid thought of having to eat it and then literally, LITERALLY, gag on it when mom fed them a bite.

     

    And the sad thing?  The truly, truly sad thing, is that this didn’t feel like a particularly unusual day.

     

    Sure, there were a couple of bits of crazy that were sort of outliers of normal, but all in all, the day had a lot more “regular life” in it than not.

     

    That is what is deceptive about the Christmas holidays.  It’s not so much that it lulls you into thinking that lazing around, watching Scooby doo and eating leftover corn pudding is a normal life.  You know that this is just a respite.  The problem is that it is just long enough and just isolated enough to allow you to forget how ridiculously busy and crazy your regular life is.  And so, when you’re sitting around making those fanciful resolutions on Dec 31, you think to yourself, “Heck, life is pretty good, what could I possibly change?  I guess I could stand to lose a few pounds.”

     

    When in reality you’re resolution ought to be to secretly pack up everything you own in the middle of the night and move away to a tiny Caribbean island with nothing but a decent library and a grocery store that delivers. 

     

    Life is hard. 

     

    The world is tough. 

     

    And simply living can be exhausting – a series of tiny goals that never seem to be accomplished (just get the kids on the bus, just make it to lunch, just press on till the kids are in bed and you unofficially go off duty for a few hours.)

     

    Yes, it’s overwhelming.

     

    But within the chaos and the sad parts there is also beauty.  And one of the great casualties of life is that we can be so smothered by the difficult that we forget that the elegant is there standing quietly in the corner.

     

    We forget the sleeping newborn baby, the children who were so helpful while taking down the Christmas tree, the joy (and anger) at finding the missing teenager and even the knowledge that, while those dunderhead twenty year olds living in the basement seem to be bungling things left and right, at least they are bungling things in an attempt to move toward a better life.

     

    Life is crazy, and life is terrible, but life is also good and glorious, and chaotic, and devastating and uplifting and hilarious and tear stained and bitter and sweet.

     

    It is the full range of every emotion that we possess and, some days, we just happen to get them all rolled into one wacky day. 

     

    So, this year, in addition to praying daily, exercising for twenty minutes while watching Friends re-runs and working on that new book I’ve been contemplating, I am also going to resolve to do a little better job of seeking out the good and remembering the blessed moments of the day and not just the blasted ones. 

     

    It is a resolution to not necessarily change my life, but to try to remember it differently.  To remember as much good as I do bad and as much joy as I do pain.

     

    And most importantly to remember that Monday, January 4th only comes once a year.

     

    And for that, we can all resolve to be grateful.

     

     

  • Mastering Christmas

     

    Christmas is not an easy task.

     

    I don’t mean the actual meaningful part of Christmas, the part with the birth of Jesus and cattle lowing and what not.  Luckily, that is easy.  It is a gift and a blessing and I think our family does a decent job of communicating the wonder of it to our children.

     

    No, I’m talking about all of the rest of Christmas.

     

    One of my best friends in high school pulled me aside one day during the Christmas season and whispered to me that her family was Muslim.  I was shocked!  This was East Tennessee after all.  We didn’t even Catholics, much less Muslims!  

     

    “Do you celebrate Christmas?”  I asked her.  

     

    “Oh, sure,” she said.  “We celebrate the commercial part of Christmas.”

     

    And that’s what I’m talking about today – the commercial part.

     

    The shopping and Santa visits, and Christmas trees and present wrapping and explosion of decadence that has very little to do with that Jesus guy.  

     

    You see, the problem is that I really like both aspects of Christmas.  I like the church part, I love it in fact, but I also really like the Christmas morning, presents under the tree, booty from Santa part.

     

    But it’s not easy.

     

    Christmas is hard and there is an endlessly delicate balance to it… or at least there is if you’re as neurotic as I am.

     

    You see, Christmas is pretty much my responsibility.  From the gift choosing and buying to the food to the arrangement of presents and decorating of the house, it all rises and falls with me.

     

    And it’s a lot of pressure.  Because I have this illogical desire, nay, need for everything to turn out like some beautiful Norman Rockwell / cover of the JC Penny Catalog circa 1986 / childhood memory of some Christmas that never actually existed.  

     

    It is a virtually impossible task.

     

    The problem is, largely, that I have these amazing memories of Christmas as a child.  It was wonderful - the excitement, the anticipation.  I want Christmas morning to unfold before me with the same joy and exhilaration that exists in my fuzzy childhood recollections.

     

    It’s not easy…. Or probably even possible, but I try anyway.  

     

    I try, every year, to re-create those extraordinary, warm fuzzy memories where only the wonderful beautiful parts survive.  

     

    Why?  Because I’m an idiot.

     

    And you see, there are a number of pitfalls.

     

    In my, admittedly deranged, mind, there is a level of balance and perfection to Christmas morning.  You want there to be enough presents, but not too many.

     

    I remember one of our early Christmases when Audra was a baby, that I was so excited for her that I wrapped a billion presents.  Not only did we overbuy (How is that even a word?) but I wanted there to be an abundance of gifts, so I wrapped pajama tops separately from pajama bottoms and I broke open the six pack of socks and wrapped them in individual pairs.

     

    It looked glorious Christmas morning.  That JC Penney catalog would have been proud, but it was the Christmas that would never end.

     

    Audra was two and she enjoyed opening presents, but then she wanted to play with each one after it was open, and try on each new shirt and climb in each box.  

     

    We went through all of Christmas morning and only opened a couple of gifts.  Then it was time to cook dinner and that took forever because I had felt it necessary to make a baked brie, and chex mix, and a fondue as an appetizer and then nobody was hungry for the regular meal, but that was ok, because we still had to get the ham ready.  And then Audra, of course, still took a morning nap and an afternoon nap and then there were breaks along the way and…..

     

    Well, all I remember was late that night, the adults were all tired and cranky and our only goal was to hurry up and open the last couple of damn pairs of socks before midnight so we could go the heck to bed.  

     

    Happy Merry Frickin’ Christmas.

     

    So clearly you don’t want to do too much.

     

    But, you see, I live in constant fear of doing too little.

     

    Why?  I don’t know.  But this little nugget of neurosis seems to worm its way in to just about every aspect of my life.  It’s why I’m on so many committees at church and why I planned 8 different games and invited 22 children to Audra’s third birthday and why I always make twice as many mashed potatoes as anyone could possibly ever eat because, well, you know, it just seems like the thing to do.

     

    It is my Achilles heel in life and it does seem to manifest itself in truly bizarre ways at Christmas.  It’s why I have hot apple cider and coffee and hot chocolate available.  It’s why our Christmas tree is twice as big as the space we have for it.  It’s why my dog is carrying around a 3 foot long rawhide bone two weeks after receiving it.  And it’s why I double the recipe for a side dish of sweet potato casserole even when the recipe says it serves the number of people we actually have coming for dinner.

     

    So, anyway, I am prone to “too much.”  And it has taken me awhile to figure out that more is not necessarily better and that it is actually ok, to sit down and enjoy Christmas day yourself – (not for long though!)  There is always a fire to stoke, a ham to prepare, a snack to bring out or a diaper to change.  But occasionally, for a couple of minutes at a time, it IS ok to sit down and just enjoy.  (But don’t tell anyone)

     

    So, despite my neurosis and my general self criticism and the belief that if it wasn’t perfect then I probably failed, somehow, this year, I seem to have gotten it awfully darn close to what I always hoped it would be.  

     

    The presents Santa brought were perfect and not too much / not too little.  Each child loved what they received and didn’t covet their sibling’s gifts too much.  

     

    Our special Christmas breakfast was just right and didn’t take too long but provided a nice respite during the morning. 

     

    The opening of gifts was ideal.  There was a good balance between playing and opening and it didn’t last too long, or end too quickly.

     

    There were lovely snacks along the way, but not so much that they spoiled dinner and dinner itself was hearty, decadent and abundant with leftovers, but didn’t take me all day to cook.

     

    The night ended with pie, cider, rosy contentment on everyone’s faces and a flickering fire that provided just enough warmth but not so much that we had to take off the new sweaters we had received.

     

    I think I’ve finally mastered Christmas.

     

    Now I know, I KNOW, that this all seems a little nuts.  Reading this back over, I recognize that I appear to be a crazy person and there’s probably more truth to that than not.  But I have wonderful memories of the commercial part of Christmas.  And I want my children to have those same memories.

     

    Why?  I don’t know, probably because Martha Stewart deems it so.  

     

    And would my kids have great memories even if I didn’t make the home made hot chocolate with whipped cream AND mini marshallows?  Oh, probably.

     

    But this year the balance all seemed right.  The kids were happy, the adults were happy and wonder of wonders even I was happy.  

     

    Will Christmas miracles never cease?

     

    Now I just need to remember everything so I can do it all again next year.

     

    Perfectly.

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