Our family escaped to Disney World this past weekend. 

Our school system has this wacky middle of January break.  First, school gets out early every day for a week, and then they cancel school on the following Monday and Tuesday.  They’re practically daring you to take a vacation.

We had been talking for a while about going to Disney, “sometime.”  We were going to go last year when my wife had a conference there, but at the last minute they decided she could just tele-conference.  So, instead of spending three days in the sunshine with Mickey Mouse, my wife stared at a computer while I watched the children play in the gray.

So, when we received a coupon in the mail for 40% off, we decided to take the plunge. 

Hey, I’m a sucker for a coupon. 

So, just in case, there are any other parents out there who are considering that classic Americana trip to Disney, here are a few tips I have picked up along the way that I will gladly share with you.

1)         Never go in the summer…. Or Spring Break….. Or Christmas

I grew up in South Florida and have enough memories of the miserable Florida heat and the long lines for rides that I decided long ago that I would never, never go there during the summer.  It’s just not that fun of a trip to wait for over an hour to ride a 2 minute ride in 104 degree heat with a bunch of other sweaty people.  And that’s not fun for a teenager, you have no idea how much not fun that is for a toddler.

So, go in the off season.  Go anytime between September and Christmas (excepting Thanksgiving), or January and May (excepting the couple of weeks around Easter) and don’t think you’re being clever by going at Christmas.  “Oh, I know!  We’ll go at Christmas!  I bet no one else will think of that!”

Oh, you were so smug with your Christmas idea!  It turns out that Christmas is their busiest time of the year.  Our bus driver told us that at Christmas it took an hour and a half……. JUST TO DRIVE TO THE TOLL BOOTH AND PAY FOR PARKING!  (That’s before you even get into the park.  Sheesh!)

We walked on to most rides and only waited more than 10 minutes about three times.  So find that weird aberration in your school’s calendar that gives you an extra day off here or there.  (You know, one of those days where the teachers are “planning”) and go then.  It will make you so much happier.

2)  If you’re rich spring for two rooms.  If you’re not, spring for a tent shaped like an elephant

The most difficult thing about staying in a small hotel room with a child is that you are in a small hotel room with a child.

This is never a pleasant experience.  It means that you have to turn off the lights when they need to sleep and go to bed at 8:30 when you’d rather stay up and watch Matlock reruns.  So obviously, if you’ve got piles of cash lying around the house, just reserve a second room and throw all the kids in there.  If you are not so flush with extra cash, then follow our method.

We got a small child’s play tent (shaped like an elephant) set it up on one side of the room and threw the kid in that.  At bed time, you zip it up turn the lights down and then read, turn the tv on, or whatever.

“But…” you ask, “What if I have more than one kid?”

No problem.  We have three kids, a 7 year old, 4 year old, and 2 year old.  The four year old went in the elephant tent, the 7 year old went in a fish tent, and the two year old went in a pack n’ play in the bathroom.

What?  You’ve never put your kid to sleep in the bathroom?  We do it all the time!  You slide the pack n’ play in there, turn the exhaust fan on and it’s sweet dreams for kiddo!  You can also use large closets depending on where you’re staying.

Sure, the whole things a little, well, odd, and if you do have any late night emergencies, you may find yourself trotting down the hall to the lobby bathroom, but isn’t that a small price to pay for each child to have their own space, with no kicking under the covers and nobody whining about so and so keeping them awake?  (It’s also great for naps!)

3)  If you want to see some white princesses, then Disney is the place for you!

Who doesn’t love white princesses?  Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Ariel…. But what if you have a hankering to see one of Disney’s, um, less melanin challenged princesses?

Well, you’ve got your work cut out for you.

We were able to find Jasmine without too much trouble.  She showed up with Aladdin and the Genie once and she was at this princess dinner, but boy if you wanted to see Mulan, you are flat out of luck.  That didn’t surprise me too much, let’s be honest, the movie wasn’t that good.  But I thought for sure we’d find Princess Tiana no problem….. you know….. Tiana…… the Princess from Princess and the Frog?

I thought, we’d have no trouble finding her.  I mean, she’s in the newest movie right?  I figured that they’d be hawking her like “Hot Doughnuts Now.”

But alas, they were not.  We searched and searched, and then finally on the last day I started asking people where in the world Princess Tiana was.

Nobody knew.

I asked four different people and they all had to call and ask someone else.  Well, it turns out that this is because poor Tiana wasn’t exactly in the most prominent location.

I was told to go to the Christmas Shoppe in Liberty Square, then go down an alley behind it.  And there, in an area that used to be a smoking zone, was poor, sad, Princess Tiana, entertaining the handful of little girls who had managed to track her down.

Now I’m not saying that Disney stuck Tiana back in this corner because she is….. well, ……. from New Orleans.  But it does make you wonder.

4)  Lower your expectations for your kids and yourself

We all come to an event like this with our own baggage.  You want the kids to like the same things you liked as a kid, but it doesn’t always work out that way.  I thought my kids would love the Dumbo ride, and they couldn’t figure out why I was so excited by going around in circles in a fat little elephant.

I also thought Asher would love getting to meet all the characters, but he didn’t seem to really care.  He would run up and hug them, but refused to have his picture taken with them, as if being photographed next to a giant chipmunk might affect his future political career.

That being said, the kids had a great time.  They loved Disney and all of the rides and the parades and the fireworks and seeing all the characters.  They just didn’t necessarily like all the parts that I had decided that they were going to like. 

Stupid kids.

The other part of this is that if you’re thinking, “Oh, some day we should go do Disney,” don’t wait to long.  Your kids will have fun at Disney no matter what age they are.  Indeed, there a number of rides that we weren’t able to go on because our kids were too young or too small, but there is an age where the magic of Disney is real to your kids and an age where they realize that it’s all just a show.

When we went to Disney several years ago, my daughter was 4 and the whole trip was a wonder to her.  She truly believed that she was meeting the princesses.  She truly believed that we had lunch in Cinderella’s castle.  She truly believed that the Mad Hatter had stolen her nose.

But, now at seven, she still had a great time, but it wasn’t quite the same.  She loved meeting all the characters, but this time it was more to collect autographs than it was to “meet” them.  She liked eating at Cinderella’s castle, but she knew that it was just a painted tower of concrete and fiberglass.  And she knew that the Mad Hatter had not truly purloined her proboscis.   

I don’t feel bad about this transition, but I am grateful that we were able to come when the magic was still real – when the pirates were frightening and Tigger was silly and Mickey Mouse really seemed like your best friend.

5) Prepare yourself for Re-entry

I don’t know if Disney World is or isn’t the happiest place on earth.  But I’ll tell you one thing, it’s a heck of a lot happier than your house.

The magic of Disney for adults is that they take care of everything. 

They pick you up at the airport, they carry your luggage.  They make your bed and bring you food.  They answer all your questions and always smile and say hello.  Yes, it’s all a big show, but it’s a really nice show.  And for a stay-at-home parent, it’s one of the few times where people are doing things for you instead of the other way around.

This is wonderful…... but don’t get used to it!

Because soon enough, you’ll be back in your own house which you probably left a complete mess and you’ll have a ton of luggage to unpack and laundry to do.  And the two idiot teenagers who were supposed to be watching your dog did a ridiculously poor job and now the dog is completely neurotic and has peed all over the house because no one let her out and there are still dishes in the sink from a week ago and there’s not a single damn fairy or singing bird anywhere that is going to lift one finger to help you make a bed or fold the laundry or scrub the carpet.

Disney has 4 theme parks, a cruise ship, a time share system, and a series of international tour guides, but what I want is a Disney home service.

I want someone to greet me at the door and say, “Hello, Mr. Zumwalt.  Can I get all of the groceries out of your car for you while you settle down in the living room?  The house has been cleaned and dinner is ready when you are.  We’re having steak with mashed potatoes shaped like Mickey’s head.  Can I bring you something to drink while Chip and Dale take the children on a backyard safari?”

But we didn’t get that package.  I think it was extra.

So prepare yourself on that flight home.  Tinkerbell is still back at the Magic Kingdom waving her little wand for other families now and you’re back home trying to wipe oatmeal off your sweater. 

Life returns quickly and with a touch of vengeance.  So be prepared, because there’s no monorail sitting outside your house and the only thing in the shape of Mickey’s head is that weird stain on the carpet.  But that’s ok, because you have memories and lots of photographs and a bunch of tripe that you picked up along the way all to remind you of the wonderful time you had.  And to help remind you how nice it was and how soon you wish you could go back.