Letters, we get letters. Not the magnetic kind that you stick on the fridge (my wife threw ours away when I kept spelling ‘chubby’ on the freezer that holds the Haagen-Dazs), but the ones that have sentences, words, comments and signatures and stuff. Who knew so many grandparents would seek the erudite advice of all things Poo-Paw?

Over the past five months I’ve accumulated almost tens of emails and remarks about adjusting to the grandfather role.

I can sum it up thusly: aside from not being burdened by the inherent judgment parents should possess, being a grandfather is all about bad behavior (yours, not the child’s) and knowing that no one in your family can hold you accountable for any dreadful deed.

Grandparents, for all intent and purpose, have familial diplomatic immunity. 

Anyway, to the letters:

Dear Poo-Paw:
I just found out I’m going to become a grandfather. Besides conventional worries like the baby’s health and the competency of the parents, I find myself feeling especially glum because it feels as if my life has met its inevitable fate – I’m about to become old. Why can’t I seem to deal with the age thing? – Joe from Hagerstown.

Joe, you’re looking at this from the wrong perspective. It’s not becoming a grandfather that’s making you feel old, it’s the knowledge that you’re married to a grandmother. Buy yourself a cardigan and learn how to whittle.

Dear Poo-Paw,
I’m off to the Twin Cities to visit my four young grandsons. Any ideas on the trip? – Ed from Waldorf.

Ed, if it’s too late to cancel your flight, be sure to have hotel reservations. I spend about 6 hours every two weeks with my toddling two-and-a-half-year-old grandson and could never imagine living with the child. Between his insatiable appetite, perpetual motion and constantly making sure the little bugger doesn’t injure himself, there’s very little time for alcohol, cigars and sports-viewing - and if you can get grandma to stay with the family all the better.

Dear Poo-Paw,
We had planned on taking our three grandchildren to Disney World this year, but it was contingent on school performance on their last report card. Unfortunately, one of the three didn’t perform so well and now his parents feel he shouldn’t be allowed to go. Any suggestions? We don’t want to go against the parents’ rules. – Joy and Jeff from Jessup.

Joy and Jeff, who cares about the parents’ rules? Did they care about your rules when they lived under your roof? Of course not. Now is not the time to concern yourself with the feelings of the child’s parents, grandparenting is all about you. Plus, if our kids were kept in the house every time they didn’t ‘perform well’ in school, they would never have had the opportunity to make us grandparents in the first place.

I say punish the whole platoon for the actions of one soldier and enjoy all-things-Mickey from an adult perspective. Besides, there’ll be thousands of other kids there; will three less even be missed?

Dear Poo-Paw,
It seems you spend more time ridiculing your family and mentioning your Scotch addiction than you do commenting on the joys of grandparenting. How about periodically cutting some slack to the people you supposedly love? - Really, truly, pinky-swear not from your family, and not from Lutherville, Timonium, Cockeysville or Columbia.

Not from, I’d love to help, but FamiliesOnly has a no nepotism policy – I’m afraid you do not qualify for free giveaways, free subscriptions, free web access or free counsel. You’ve already blown your chance to heed the sage advice of Poo-Paw. Looks like you’re on your own with this one.

The rest of you, however, please keep those cards and letters coming.

By J. Doug Gill