I’ve never harbored any ill will toward Disney. Not the theme parks, nor the characters or even horrible films like “Snow Dogs”, “Haunted Mansion” or any sequel to any movie they ever made. If it’s a Disney film with a “2” next to it your choices are few: either run screaming in the other direction or bravely attempt to kill it with fire.
When I was a wee chap back in the early ‘60s, animated films such as “101 Dalmatians” and live action stuff like “Mary Poppins” defined the Disney experience. And every Sunday night meant it was time to turn one of our three TV channels (four if you count the snowy UHF reception) to “The Wonderful World of Disney”.
I was also quite captivated by Mouseketeer Annette Funicello - she was the only 12 year-old girl I’d ever seen who needed a c-cup training bra.
Hey, I was a kid - so that’s not as sick as it sounds.
I’m not sure when the magical world ceased being ‘cool’, but I do know that wearing anything Mickey or Donald or Pluto to school after 3rd grade usually resulted in being beaten… well… goofy (sorry, couldn’t resist).
Today, however, it’s easy to pinpoint my distaste for the giant mouse and his pals - Hannah Montana being one reason, the Jonas Brothers being another. And let’s not even talk about their ‘gift’ of the Spears family.
And since I’m a huge fan of “Monday Night Football”, I blame Disney (who owns ESPN) for ruining my pleasurable pigskin viewing by hiring the most annoying man ever to breathe, Tony Kornheiser.
But Tony the Terrible is not my main reason for ranting on the Disney bunch. No, my anti-Disney stance stems from the recent remodeling of my grandson’s bedroom.
As you may recall, we recently dined in the house of gnome and were treated to a tour of his newly renovated living space.
When my daughter shared with me – by phone – that they had gone with the Disney/Pixar Cars theme for the imp’s room, I had no idea what that entailed.
A bedspread was a given, as were curtains and pillows and other such linen accoutrements. Stuffed versions of the film’s characters were also a necessity. My wife even participated in the branding, having returned from a recent meeting in Orlando with a mini-pillow Lightning McQueen.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the seemingly endless roster of all things “Cars.” Let’s start with the bathroom. There are Cars the Movie towels, soap dispensers, shower curtains, shower hooks, tumblers, soap dishes, toothbrushes and wastebaskets.
For the bedroom we have Cars the Movie wall hooks, wall borders, wall murals and even toddler beds. You’ve got your desktop pencil sharpener, notepad, stapler and tape dispenser. Hmmm… maybe those last few are for your Cars-themed office space.
For the kitchen there are Cars the Movie Tupperware bowls (with lids), sandwich containers (with E-Z freeze lid), a 12-piece sculptured flatware set and something called a clamshell three-piece mealtime set.
Tired of your expensive Ethan Allan ensemble? Replace it with a Cars the Movie work desk (with storage) or the three piece table and chair set. And please don’t overlook the flip open foam slumber sofa or the outdoor patio set with umbrella.
Other sundry items include clothing, backpacks, fabric, costumes, key chains, lunchboxes, party supplies, school supplies, room décor, books, calendars, puzzles, posters, stand-ups and of course, toys.
Look at how far we’ve come from a pair of stupid ears.
I’m not sure this is what Walt Disney had in mind when he began building his empire. The folks who run the corporate kingdom these days care more about profits and branding than they do about the wonderment of children.
Anyway, I’m apparently not the only one who feels this way. A Google of the term ‘Disney sucks’ brought back more than 3.5 million hits.
And while you won’t end up with some creepy animated Chip and Dale porno, you will find more than a few of the top returns lobbing the magical f-bomb at Cinderella’s Castle. And nearly all of them point to the way the company markets to kids.
Oh, and by the way: if you don’t run right out and buy all the Cars stuff mentioned in this blog you may be sorry. Next week, it all goes back in the Disney vault – never again to be seen (unless they need to up the revenue haul just in time for the holidays).
By J. Doug Gill